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Stop Hitting Yourself Protocol

After losing Game 1 of the Season 19 LDS, and realizing they were out-matched and out-classed by the Long Beach Flightless Birds , the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners decided to annoy them to death to win the series. The Flightless Birds, an entity built on dignity and rhythm, were unprepared for the Tuners weaponized immaturity and were psychologically dismantled. the Tuners threw a gigantic, Texas-sized tantrum that lasted from the moment Game 2 started to the moment Game 5 ended. It was a non-stop string of childish behavior that overwhelmed the Bird and nearly pushed the simulator to a breaking point. The Tuners employed several tactics, including freezing in confusion and staring blankly at the Birds - Was there a whistle? Was there a server error? Why are they staring at us like that? - and in that split second of hesitation, the Tuners would break their own stillness with a violent, sucker-punch glider stream, sneaking formations past the Birds and racking up critical go-ahead points while the Birds were still buffering. The moves were technically legal, but entirely unsportsmanlike, and infuriatingly effective.

The Tuners also employed an echo chamber: Whenever the Flightless Birds attempted to communicate or coordinate data ("Shift left!", "Cycle up!"), the Tuners immediately rebroadcast the signal back on a slightly delayed, higher-pitched frequency: "Shift left - er, right? Shift right? Cycle up? Cycle - cycle down?" They flooded the grid with chirps - "Hey bud! Shift down? Shift up? Hot dogs? What?" - until no one could hear or understand anything in the cacophony. The Tuners also clogged the Birds' comms channels with the digital equivalent of "What? What? Huh? I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you." They picked fights after every whistle. They flopped. They whined. And somehow, it all worked.

The Piano Tuners' victory was sealed with weaponized, petty pestering. When the final horn sounded in Game 4, and the Tuners secured their 3-1 series win, there was no applause. The Flightless Birds left the grid in disgusted silence. The exhausted referees were relieved the tantrums were finally over. The Commissioner had a terrible headache and refused to take any calls for a week. Even the Piano Tuners' own fans seemed embarrassed as they shuffled out of the stadium. The Tuners had advanced to a (no-lose) Texas Crown LCS showdown against the Baltimore Texas , the infamous Cold League Choke Artists, but they arrived with zero dignity.

Season 19 Cold League Division Series Results Table
Ft. Worth Piano Tuners vs. Long Beach Flightless Birds
	Winner	W Score	Margin	L Score	Loser	Generations	Link
Game 1	Long Beach Flightless Birds	242	72.73%	66	Ft. Worth Piano Tuners	1,857	e71ca63a-c808-434f-af66-afe992ec4326
Game 2	Ft. Worth Piano Tuners	168	75.60%	41	Long Beach Flightless Birds	1,739	4871db16-792b-4fd3-a522-b90984d07bff
Game 3	Ft. Worth Piano Tuners	241	69.71%	73	Long Beach Flightless Birds	2,742	5fee7df2-0cb3-45db-92fe-67838f4adf9a
Game 4	Ft. Worth Piano Tuners	193	40.41%	115	Long Beach Flightless Birds	1,188	f18706fa-31d2-4a7a-9900-c071c5c09fe0

Back in the Hole

The League Championship Series saw the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners face off against their bitter rivals, the Baltimore Texas , who by that time were well-known across the league as Choke Artists. The Texas were making their sixth attempt at a Cold League pennant, and were convinced that this time would be different.

The Texas shot out to a 2-game lead in the best-of-5 series, leaving the Piano Tuners with their backs against the wall. But the Tuners didn't waste a drop of sweat - they counted on their luck, the blessing of the universe, and the Choke Artist status of their bitter rivals to save the day for them. And much to the annoyance of every team in the league, the umpires, and the Commissioner, they won Game by simply standing around, waiting for the Baltimore Texas to get in their own way and spoil their shot at clinching the pennant. They did the same thing in Game 4, and then again in Game 5. At some point, they trotted out from the corner of the grid where they had set up with couches and a Playstation and were playing Grand Theft Auto, so that they could clinch the pennant.

The Piano Tuners celebrated awkwardly, aware they hadn't really won so much as they had been the beneficiaries of a somewhat morbid gift from the universe - schadenfreude at seeing their bitter rivals blow the ultimate lead at the door of breaking their curse, only to half-heartedly pass on a victory three straight games. But the Baltimore Texas seemed almost happy to resign themselves to the fate of losing, and who were the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners to say no?

Dallas Huston, radio announcer for the Baltimore Texas Choke Artists, signed off with his signature mix of whimsy and doom:

	Put the champagne back in the cellar, folks. Let it age another century. The Ft. Worth Piano Tuners are going to the Hellmouth Cup, and we... well, we are going back in the hole. It’s dark, it’s cold, it's the size of Texas, and it smells like ozone. But the rent is cheap. This is Dallas Huston, reminding you that maybe next year we'll break the curse.

Season 19 Cold League Championship Series Results Table
Ft. Worth Piano Tuners vs. Baltimore Texas
	Winner	W Score	Margin	L Score	Loser	Generations	Link
Game 1	Baltimore Texas	144	65.97%	49	Ft. Worth Piano Tuners	1,001	05218570-3a9c-4c27-ab69-95e91e5ff1e4
Game 2	Baltimore Texas	179	60.34%	71	Ft. Worth Piano Tuners	3,608	a25c7bef-0394-421f-b362-a301175bacaf
Game 3	Ft. Worth Piano Tuners	207	51.21%	101	Baltimore Texas	1,601	f3c34528-5a3f-4c82-b6c9-2cde45a0a742
Game 4	Ft. Worth Piano Tuners	224	63.84%	81	Baltimore Texas	1,560	660a2c10-3ef0-4bd3-8635-2e2f9ccf27b9
Game 5	Ft. Worth Piano Tuners	221	41.18%	130	Baltimore Texas	1,622	4fc7c488-0c58-4484-888b-0ccbe3d1a9dd

Choked in the Smoke

Fresh off the emotional high of the Texas Crown victory over the Baltimore Texas , the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners entered the Hellmouth Cup seriels with a swagger that their code couldn't support. They expected the East Coast Alewife Arsonists to be intimidated by the swaggering team that had slain the Long Beach Flightless Birds , the ultimate West Coast titans. Instead, Alewife yawned loudly, in their face. Then they tore them to pieces.

The Alewife Arsonists treated the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners = like kindling. Using a Flash Oven formation, they rapidly heated the grid, causing spontaneous combustion in the Tuners' static blocks. The entire Tuners formation went up in a flurry of pops, like popcorn kernels tossed into a flash pan. The Tuners bounced back in Game 2, with the Tuners utilizing the heaviest, wettest formations they could muster to smother the Arsonists - but it only worked for one game. The Arsonists lit a high-entropy fire in Game 3, slow-roasted the Tuners in Game 4, and starved them of oxygen in Game 5, taking home the crown and leaving the Tuners choking and coughing in the smoking remains of their season.

Season 19 - Hellmouth Cup Results Table
Alewife Arsonists vs. Ft. Worth Piano Tuners
	Winner	W Score	Margin	L Score	Loser	Generations	Link
Game 1	Alewife Arsonists	151	37.09%	95	Ft. Worth Piano Tuners	2,188	cae083cc-657a-4a4e-9e30-6172fd4fa3a8
Game 2	Ft. Worth Piano Tuners	118	9.32%	107	Alewife Arsonists	1,468	8eb75445-7bad-44fe-bd6c-32aa419cc027
Game 3	Alewife Arsonists	193	12.95%	168	Ft. Worth Piano Tuners	1,806	f4c5b0c8-28e2-4b86-953f-eae685194ee1
Game 4	Alewife Arsonists	162	10.49%	145	Ft. Worth Piano Tuners	2,194	d432d7a1-b84d-4bce-88d7-8b27141b01f5
Game 5	Alewife Arsonists	88	6.82%	82	Ft. Worth Piano Tuners	1,055	37dc3843-8d24-4884-97bf-08af3ca9412b