Alewife Arsonists

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Alewife Arsonists
Alewife Arsonists logo
"Burn it down!"
Team Information
Name Alewife Arsonists
Abbreviation AA
Primary Color #ff1717
Logo  AA.png 
Hometown Alewife, Boston, MA
Stadium The Concrete Cathedral (a.k.a. Alewife Station, Red Line)
Emoji 🔥
Status Active
Rivalry Crowns
Favorites
Mixtape 🔥Alewife🔥Arsonists🔥
Integer 25
Movie Backdraft
Divination
Element Fire
Power Word Troublemakers
Motto

Ex finibus ignis

(From the ends, fire)
 
Template:Infobox team   •   edit
 

The AA.png Alewife Arsonists are a collective of commuters who hail from the Alewife Station of the Boston MTA Red Line.

The Concrete Cathedral (a.k.a. Alewife Station), home stadium of the AA.png Alewife Arsonists , is not merely a subway station; it is a massive intermodal transit hub, and celebrated masterpiece of Brutalist architecture. It is where the Red Line subway, a sprawling multi-story parking garage, and a cavernous busway all collide. It is the fabled End of the Line, the final stop on the Red Line, the place where the city's main artery frays into the suburbs and the adjacent Alewife Brook Reservation swampland.

The AA.png Alewife Arsonists draw their power from three distinct sources within Alewife Station, a commuting trinity of urban motion:

  • The Altar of Steel (Subway Platform): This is where matches are held, on the South End of Platform B. The game grid is a shimmering projection of light directly over the third rail. it draws its energy from the raw, pungent electricity powering the Red Line. The screech of an arriving train is the opening bell, while the automated "Stand clear of the closing doors" can freeze opposing teams like deer in the hedalights.
  • The Altar of Fumes (Busway): The Arsonists feed off of the commuter rage and chaotic energy of the commute. The cacophany of buses and clouds of diesel fumes fill the cavernous bus terminal. Psychic entities of the Alewife Arsonists can cause the idling buses to rev their engines in unison, sending waves of thick, vision-obscuring, pattern-disrupting diesel fumes onto the platform — a valuable home-field advantage.
  • The Altar of Rust (The Garage): The fans, as well as various unseen entities and generational spirits, plus a few ghosts, are not permitted to enter the hazardous platform area to watch matches in person. Instead, they gather in their traditional seats: the thousands of abandoned, rusted-out vehicles that haunt the dark corners of the Alewife Station parking garage, one of the largest and most confusing concrete labyrinths in the Commonwealth. There, they tune in to The Spark, a pirate radio broadcast emanating from deep within Alewife Station, and listen to the announcer, the mysterious Brake Master Cylinder, call the Alewife games in that signature gravelly voice.

The AA.png Alewife Arsonists are known for showering their opponents with chirps during games. They create a collective chorus of shouts, channeling every Townie who has ever shouted at a passing yuppie from a triple-parked sedan, every Southie who's ever shouted from the porch to keep walking, every Boston driver who's ever been cut off by someone who had to cross 4 lanes of traffic to do it, every Red Sox fan when there's a Yankee on the field. One of the Arsonists' favorite battle cries, reserved for their bitter rivals the BB.png Boylston Boogers , is "GO BACK TO WELLESLEY!"

Arsonist patterns are fueled by a mix of commuter impatience and frustration, plus an erratic aggressiveness that is prone to causing self-destructive flameouts. They don't win by being better than their opponents, they win by wearing down their opponents with noise, throwing them off guard with their erratic and aggressive play, and wearing them out until their defenses are lowered, at which point they either go for the win, or self-immolate.

Hellmouth Cup

History

The Alewife Salute

Season 8 of the Hellmouth Cup was the year it all worked for the AA.png Alewife Arsonists . The three altars were in perfect alignment. The diesel fumes from the busway were thick and nourishing, the Red Line ran on time, and Sully's '98 LeSabre was stocked with championship-grade Fluffernutters. In the final game against SS.png Seattle Sneakers , the mysterious Brake Master Cylinder fell silent for the final minute, letting the sounds of the station - the screech of wheels, the hum of the third rail - broadcast to the faithful. When the final Sneakers pattern dissolved, there was a sacred pause, and then, for the first time in history, the cacophony of a thousand dying car horns from the Altar of Rust echoed through the streets. "The Alewife Salute" became the official name for a championship celebration, a symphony of pure, unadulterated rust and rage. The Hellmouth Cup was brought to the garage, where it was filled with Narragansett Lager and used as a communal chalice.

The Hellmouth Hangover

The AA.png Alewife Arsonists loss to MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos the very next season (Season 9 of the Hellmouth Cup) is blamed on the 'Gansett Curse (a.k.a. beer allergies, a.k.a. a hangover). The Arsonists, still basking in the glow of their victory, were extremely hung over. Their patterns were sluggish and unfocused, their rage diluted by satisfaction. Everybody was wearing sunglasses and trying not to get sick at the smell of the beer-soaked Milwaukee Flamingos. The mysterious Brake Master Cylinder lamented that the team seemed to have beer allergies in addition to sun allergies. They had burned so brightly winning the Season 8 Hellmouth Cup that their grand burning torch had been reduced to a tiny pilot light. It was a brutal reminder that for the Arsonists, contentment is a poison.

The Grape Wall of Alewife

The DET.png Detroit Grape Chews , who had established their "Big Purple Machine" reputation early in the Hellmouth Cup, saw their team narrative gradually morph into the Hot League Choke Artists - the team that was cursed with never winning a pennant. The AA.png Alewife Arsonists had a significant role in this shift in the narrative, repeatedly frustrating the Grape Chews by handing them Championship Series losses in Season 8, Season 11, and Season 19. While the Arsonists were hardly the only team to deny Detroit a pennant in the Hellmouth Cup, the Grape Chews found themselves particularly vulnerable to the bustling commuter energy and Brutalist designs the Arsonists brought to matches.

The Cartographic Defamation

The modern MTA Crown rivalry between the AA.png Alewife Arsonists and BB.png Boylston Boogers had its fuse lit in Season 14 not by a match, but by a mosaic. In a grand act of civic arrogance, the Boogers unveiled a massive, permanent tile subway system map at Boylston station. The Boogers had commissioned the work from Mr. Bartholomew Peabody Finch, a celebrated (but notoriously smug) artist from Wellesley who was a huge Boogers fan. The map was a masterpiece of passive aggression. It depicted the Green Line as a thick, vibrant artery of emerald and gold tile, pulsing with life, feeding all of Boston with its energy and vitality. In stark contrast, the Red Line was rendered as a thin, pathetic capillary of cracked crimson ceramic that withered and fizzled into a gray, featureless smudge at Alewife. This public insult, dubbed The Cartographic Defamation, was the moment the "GO BACK TO WELLESLEY!!" chant was first shouted by Alewife fans at Boogers players.

The Wellesley Heresy

This first encounter in the postseason between the AA.png Alewife Arsonists and BB.png Boylston Boogers in Season 14 was an instant classic, but one that served up a dose of heartbreak to Alewife. Riding high as the #1 seed going into the postseason, the Arsonists were consumed with fury over the Cartographic Defamation incident. But they handled it poorly, their rage was too personal, and their patterns became rigid and artless. The Boogers, in contrast, played in a cool, mocking style. The final winning formation from the Boogers was a perfect formation of stable oscillators, a victory of infuriating poise against blind aggression. As the mysterious Brake Master Cylinder put it, "The Boogers turned our fire to glass, and showed us our own reflection. To which we all say... GO BACK TO WELLESLEY!" The loss, which came to be known as The Wellesley Heresy, ignited the rivalry that burns to this day in an intense inferno.

WINNER: BB.png Boylston Boogers

Alewife in the Hellmouth Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

HellmouthSeasonsQuantileGraph AA.png

Summary

{{HellmouthRankList SeasonAllTime Chron AA}}


Toroidal Cup

History

The Delawarehouse Fire

The Toroidal/Season 1 postseason began well for the AA.png Alewife Arsonists , who savored a moment of sweet revenge against the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes in the Division series, burning through the coastal fog that had left them clouded and confused in the Hellmouth Cup. But they were halted in their quest for a pennant by the DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells .

The Shells and Arsonists became locked in what the mysterious Brake Master Cylinder called "a cosmic staredown" - the Arsonists deployed formations that formed an impenetrable firewall, while the Shells patterns formed equally impenetrable legal boilerplate. But in a true moment of self-destruction, the Alewife firewall collapsed on a technicality, and the Arsonists were eliminated.

The bitter and unexpected end to the series led the Arsonists to declare a formal rivalry, the Delawarehousefire Crown, with the Shells to resolve the unfinished business.

War of the Pothole

Toroidal/Season 8 was the postseason series AA.png Alewife Arsonists fans had craved for decades: the first postseason matchup against the BB.png Boylston Boogers since the ugly Cartographic Defamation and the psychological trauma of the Wellesley Heresy of the Hellmouth Cup.

The entire series was a brutal, ugly slog that was fought deep in the tunnels of the Red and Green Lines. In the deciding fifth game, the Boogers deployed a massive, elegant, and seemingly unstoppable pattern. But the Boogers' beautiful construct hit a tiny snag in the formation, with a single pixel out of place (the so-called "Pothole Pixel" in Alewife Station, well-known to all Arsonists as a glitchy cell to be avoided), and the entire Boogers formation instantly collapsed into an ash field. The Arsonists' resulting victory was not glorious, and it was nothing more than a lucky break, but it was righteous. It was a win for Alewife and for broken, unmaintained streets everywhere.

WINNER: AA.png Alewife Arsonists

Red Rum Series

After the emotional high of finally vanquishing their cross-town rivals, the BB.png Boylston Boogers , in the Toroidal/Season 8 League Division Series, the AA.png Alewife Arsonists were wholly unprepared for the TB.png Tucson Butchers , and the result was that the Toroidal/Season 8 Toroidal Cup series was a messy slaughter.

The Arsonists brought fire, but the Butchers brought knives, and laid the Arsonists out on the chopping block for a quick 3-0 lead in the series. The Butchers spent most of Game 4 chasing the Arsonists around the grid with the pattern of a bloody knife while the Arsonists kept running from corner to corner, escaping with their lives each time thanks to the periodic grid layout. They managed to outlast the Butchers and win Game 4, but quickly succumbed in a quick and bloody Game 5.

Season 8 - Toroidal Cup Results Table
TB.png Tucson Butchers vs. AA.png Alewife Arsonists

  Winner W Score Margin L Score Loser Generations Link
Game 1 Tucson Butchers 288 69.44% 88 Alewife Arsonists 1,410 ToroidalCup.png ca57d79d-cbf2-4d90-bb7d-9f4b33c316db
Game 2 Tucson Butchers 169 26.04% 125 Alewife Arsonists 2,631 ToroidalCup.png af77070b-ae2e-430d-820e-28a447085495
Game 3 Tucson Butchers 245 85.31% 36 Alewife Arsonists 1,974 ToroidalCup.png 46160a97-5be1-4ffd-a838-09d743c78d5d
Game 4 Alewife Arsonists 191 20.42% 152 Tucson Butchers 3,291 ToroidalCup.png c1b19433-04da-4b1d-8bc1-1046a23fee2f
Game 5 Tucson Butchers 212 36.32% 135 Alewife Arsonists 1,207 ToroidalCup.png fbad2472-f4f4-4819-bfb5-62449cb4c75c

The scarlet patterns of Tucson were not chaotic spatters; they were brutally efficient, the cellular automata equivalent of a butcher's cleaver sectioning a side of beef. The mysterious Brake Master Cylinder, pirate broadcaster for the Arsonists, described with awe the way the Butchers exposed not just the soft underbelly but also the marbled fat of the Arsonists' defense, turning entire defensive formations into delicious platters of sliders.

The fire of the Arsonists was messy and wild, no match for Tucson's methodical dismantlement. The "Red Rum" series, so-called because is a bloody stain on the collective's memory. Many fans, however, fondly remember this series as having the most epic team-mashup playlist of any Cup series ever.

Static Warfare

The AA.png Alewife Arsonists loss to the SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers in Toroidal/Season 5 League Division Series was a paranoid nightmare. The Eavesdroppers' strategy was information warfare. They didn't counter the Arsonists' patterns - they anticipated them. Like a form of mind control, the Eavesdroppers could read the Arsonists' stream of consciousness. Similarly, the mysterious Brake Master Cylinder's pirate broadcast from deep within Alewife Station was plagued by phantom signals and weird, whispering static. Fans in the garage swore they could hear the Arsonists' own chaotic thoughts being played back to them, twisted and distorted. The Arsonists became hesitant and confused, and their patterns sputtered. They second-guessed themselves into oblivion, resulting in a silent, unremarkable defeat. Since then, Brake Master Cylinder will start each broadcast of matches against the Eavesdroppers with a full minute of pure, cleansing static to "clear the lines".

Alewife in the Toroidal Cup Season by Season

Chart

ToroidalSeasonsQuantileGraph AA.png

Summary

{{ToroidalRankList SeasonAllTime Chron AA}}


Rainbow Cup

History

Flamingo Caboose

In Rainbow/Season 9 the AA.png Alewife Arsonists brought the franchise their first spot in the Rainbow Cup by coming second to the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos . The celebration by the Flamingos and Arsonists in the hotel afterward with victory cigars and coolers full of 'Gansett lager, far from being bitter, led to a blooming anti-rivalry between the two teams, who had faced off many times before but began to see each other in a different light - Milwaukee Light. (But the Flamingos clarified they were already married.)

In contrast to the League Championship Series, the mysterious Brake Master Cylinder, who had been spotted at the victory celebration in the Flamingos' mobile victory cigar lounge, seemed unconcerned with achieving victory, and more concerned with getting a good view of the Flamingos' victory.

Many fans remember the mysterious Brake Master Cylinder's famous final call of Game 9: "Please stand clear of the closing doors. This is the Flamingo Train Caboose. Red Line."

Coattail Pennant

Rainbow/Season 12 represented an all-time low for AA.png Alewife Arsonists - clinching a spot in the Rainbow Cup by finishing second to their bitter rivals, the BB.png Boylston Boogers . The final game in the that Season 12 Championship Series got ugly, with fistfights between the Boogers and Arsonists breaking out. The entirety of the final Game 9 was a slap in the face for Alewife, a virtual victory parade for the Boogers, with the Arsonists stuck trailing behind the parade to clean up the mess.

When the final results came in from the mysterious Brake Master Cylinder's pirate radio broadcast, confirming the Boogers had won the pennant and the Arsonists had merely secured a spot behind their snot-nosed uptown rivals, there were no horns sounding the Alewife Salute in the parking garage. It was a rare occasion where a postseason clinch was met with absolute, tomblike silence. The spiritual defeat of being pulled into the finals by their most hated rials was a deep wound that only a Rainbow Cup win against the Boogers could heal. It was a Coattail Pennant.

The healing would not come in Rainbow/Season 12: the Arsonists bombed out of the Rainbow Cup, taking a distant last place with 17🌈, far behind the Boogers with 53🌈. As the mysterious Brake Master Cylinder said in his famous final broadcast: "The Arsonists were not here to accumulate rainbows. They were here to SEND THE BOOGERS BACK TO WELLESLEY. And whether they earned 1🌈 or 17🌈, whether the Boogers put their grubby fingers on the Rainbow Cup or not, it doesn't matter, because tonight, the Arsonists failed at the main thing: to keep the main thing the main thing."

Alewife wouldn't have to wait long: they would get their vengeance in Rainbow/Season 13.

Rainbow Burn

After the embarrassing showing of Rainbow/Season 12, the AA.png Alewife Arsonists were no longer playing to win: they were playing to burn everything to the ground. The aura in the Concrete Cathedral during Rainbow/Season 13 games was deafening, the noise cranked up, more trains running through, more diesel fumes, and the horrid screeching of train wheels on the steel tracks tuned at a frequency that would reverberate through the entire Alewife station. The Arsonists used erratic, ugly, violent patterns to take the league by storm, and the strategy racked up wins and earned them a spot in the postseason.

The Arsonists lit everyone up in the Championship Series, going on a tear for the last 3 games to nail the coffin shut. (The remaining teams were left with so few rainbows that it caused a technical dispute between the LIL.png Louisville Illusionists and the OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations for the second Rainbow Cup spot.) But when the Arsonists got to the Rainbow Cup series, they poured gasoline over everything: they ripped through 4 straight games with first-place finishes, left the LIL.png Louisville Illusionists and SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers in the dust, and handily overpowered the VV.png Vegas Vampires in the final stretch to win the series with 72🌈 (second-most all time).

The mysterious Brake Master Cylinder described the victory as an act of cosmic vandalism. The beautiful, orderly spectrum of the Rainbow Cup had converged to a single, saturated color: shuttle-bus red #ff1717. The chaotic dancing patterns the Arsonists had employed were turned into posters, murals, tattoos, and billboards. In the final victory parade with the Rainbow Cup, the Arsonists didn't just hoist the Rainbow Cup: they burned their cosmic vandalism into the face of the Cup with a laser for future generations to see and remember. The intense, dominant, rapid victory of the Arsonists in the Season 13 Rainbow Cup series came to be known as the Rainbow Burn.

Echoes of Static Warfare

Repeated postseason losses to the SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers in this era cemented a deep, paranoid fear in the AA.png Alewife Arsonists . It was no longer about being outplayed or outmaneuvered. The Eavesdroppers somehow seemed able to create feedback loops for the Arsonists' internal monologue, and interfering with The Spark, the pirate radio broadcast by the mysterious Brake Master Cylinder. Anytime Alewife faced Sugar Grove, the inner chaos - the silent, screaming rage of a million wasted commuter hours - was amplified and reflected back on the Arsonists in a psychic feedback loop.

Alewife in the Rainbow Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

RainbowSeasonsQuantileGraph AA.png

Summary

{{RainbowRankList SeasonAllTime Chron AA}}


Klein Cup

History

The Red Line Robbery

The Klein/Season 3 postseason saw a legendary (and first-ever) Championship Series faceoff between the AA.png Alewife Arsonists and BB.png Boylston Boogers . The series was widely hyped across Boston (despite the fact that all the games would be blacked out for all local audiences) and it did not disappoint. The Boogers took an early edge and pushed hard. They were on the cusp of victory with a 3-2 edge. Then, in a momentous Game 6, the Boogers started to run Klein maneuvers - inside-out tricks that were not attacking Alewife's formations so much as appearing inside them. Disoriented and overrun, the Arsonists were narrowly defeated, 307-256, and lost the pennant.

The mysterious Brake Master Cylinder described it with cold fury: "The Boogers are not back in Wellesley. The Boogers are not at the gate. The Boogers are on the platform. They have stormed the Concrete Cathedral. They wormholed right through the station and reality itself." The series would become known as the Red Line Robbery.

Season 3 Hot League Championship Series Results Table
BB.png Boylston Boogers vs. AA.png Alewife Arsonists

  Winner W Score Margin L Score Loser Generations Link
Game 1 Boylston Boogers 213 46.01% 115 Alewife Arsonists 1,693 KleinCup.png c6c1af6f-45f0-4479-bb92-dd66781694d3
Game 2 Alewife Arsonists 298 61.74% 114 Boylston Boogers 1,907 KleinCup.png 431f9dbc-dcbf-45a8-ad20-9eae60d368e3
Game 3 Boylston Boogers 408 98.53% 6 Alewife Arsonists 2,533 KleinCup.png b7ba9aed-b2ce-4327-a6ef-293b4e1946f7
Game 4 Boylston Boogers 133 28.57% 95 Alewife Arsonists 1,785 KleinCup.png b35cce8e-7c88-4b0e-a893-4591b62669aa
Game 5 Alewife Arsonists 222 26.13% 164 Boylston Boogers 3,908 KleinCup.png 4e32a008-c5de-4fca-bf22-48ff5f6940a9
Game 6 Boylston Boogers 307 16.61% 256 Alewife Arsonists 2,492 KleinCup.png 081f9ec2-5df6-469f-bf5f-9db44ba923fc

The Seven Game Echo

The Season 9 Klein Cup series ended with a 3-4 loss by the AA.png Alewife Arsonists to the EA.png Elko Astronauts , in an agonizing series. The Arsonists, up 3 games to 2, were on the cusp of bringing home the Klein Cup. But in Game 6, they stumbled hard, and Game 7 was the final, winner-take-all showdown.

The mysterious Brake Master Cylinder, in his famous call of Game 7, described "a pitched battle pitting noisy chaos and bustle and combustion of Alewife STtation against hte cold, soulless vacuum of outer space." The Alewife station resembled an 18th century pitched naval battle, booming with loud cracks and filled with smoky haze, while the cold and ruthless deep space cowboys remained sealed. In the desperate final generations of the battle, the Astronauts had gone static, leaving the Arsonists in charge of their own destiny. With plenty of grid space, the Arsonists attempted a blooming formation. But the fuel tank was exhausted, the formation sputtered, and Alewife watched their lead, and the Klein Cup, slip through their fingers, losing 307-377 to the Astronauts.

Season 9 - Klein Cup Results Table
EA.png Elko Astronauts vs. AA.png Alewife Arsonists

  Winner W Score Margin L Score Loser Generations Link
Game 1 Elko Astronauts 234 62.39% 88 Alewife Arsonists 1,299 KleinCup.png 68114e9d-2d8e-44f3-a4cb-5ed7f29ba518
Game 2 Elko Astronauts 380 36.58% 241 Alewife Arsonists 3,674 KleinCup.png c3afd2e5-af17-4f7f-9f5b-6ebed42af4a8
Game 3 Alewife Arsonists 704 100.00% 0 Elko Astronauts 2,920 KleinCup.png 9be58fcb-3785-4c51-be52-2523cb26ddd1
Game 4 Alewife Arsonists 289 70.59% 85 Elko Astronauts 1,408 KleinCup.png f8708e7c-e5bc-4c74-8bc9-818e41ad0ffa
Game 5 Alewife Arsonists 425 57.18% 182 Elko Astronauts 3,901 KleinCup.png b0489e51-ff4b-4488-8368-35d4702db270
Game 6 Elko Astronauts 347 34.01% 229 Alewife Arsonists 3,723 KleinCup.png e6b42b00-4d15-4029-a873-0d8ee8865012
Game 7 Elko Astronauts 377 18.57% 307 Alewife Arsonists 3,066 KleinCup.png 409a274f-f294-477a-8992-48e87da50b0c

The Empty Tank

After a magnificent Klein/Season 14 regular season run and a guaranteed spot in the postseason, the AA.png Alewife Arsonists notched several critical moral victories. First, they swept the VV.png Vegas Vampires in the Division Series, avenging two bitter Division Series losses to the Vampires. Alewife followed that up by winning a very tough series against a dominant SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes team. They prevailed in the Championship series and clinched the pennant, and after two huge, emotional postseason series wins against bitter rivals, the Arsonists entered the final Klein Cup series against the SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers riding an epic wave of elation.

After the Arsonists took a seemingly commanding 2-0 lead in the series, everything began to fall apart like the universe was following a script. In four stunning back-to-back-to-back-to-back victories, the Boot Lickers ran the table and stunned Alewife. The mysterious Brake Master Cylinder, who had spent most of the Klein/Season 14 postseason boasting of Alewife's superior formations and tactics, memorably left the microphone open and walked out of the broadcast booth in disgust as the Boot Lickers closed in on their Game 6 clincher, leaving the game to close to a soundtrack of tortured subway trains grinding their gears down the tracks of the Red Line, their cries echoing through endless underground tunnels like the wailing of disappointed fans.

The Nose Wipe

The Klein/Season 21 postseason saw the AA.png Alewife Arsonists and BB.png Boylston Boogers meet in a long-anticipated rematch of the Red Line Robbery from Klein/Season 3 - time had not healed any of the wounds. The series was a masterclass in focused spite. Like a crazed Boston driver cutting across 4 lanes of traffic just to cut you off while honking at you angrily, the Arsonists aggressively outmaneuvered the Boogers early in every game, using distraction tactics to soften the Booger defenses. Combining confusing maneuvers with choking, hazy diesel fumes from Alewife Station's tunnels rendered the Boogers confused and disoriented, unable to mount a proper defense. The Arsonists took the series 3 games to 1, and ended the Boogers' season like a very thorough nose wipe with a hanky. Alewife fans refer to this series as The Nose Wipe.

The series would later become heavily studied by Golly historians and strategists due to the many innovative and brilliant formations the Arsonists had developed in secret and kept hidden until they were deployed against the Boogers.

Alewife in the Klein Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

KleinSeasonsQuantileGraph AA.png

Summary

{{KleinRankList SeasonAllTime Chron AA}}


Hellmouth II Cup

History

The Pothole Rodeo

The Hellmouth II/Season 1 League Division Series pitted the AA.png Alewife Arsonists against the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes , and the wild 5-game series was a chaotic, messy, bone-jarring ride like hitting a series of massive potholes at high speed. The lurching, violent swings in momentum felt less like strategy or deliberate formations, and more like trying to hang on for dear life on a frenzied course down a neglected city street.

The final pothole of Game 5 caused the ultimate breakdown for the Arsonists, with the Boat Shoes deftly stealing a win from the Arsonists in the final generations, causing the ultimate breakdown for the Arsonists, and an eventful end to their season. Fans took to calling it the Pothole Rodeo for the jarring twists and turns the series took.

Season 1 Hot League Division Series Results Table
SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes vs. AA.png Alewife Arsonists

  Winner W Score Margin L Score Loser Generations Link
Game 1 San Francisco Boat Shoes 443 69.53% 135 Alewife Arsonists 3,567 GollyLogoTransparent.png f9938c0e-d4e5-4387-a282-ca1844a70376
Game 2 Alewife Arsonists 408 56.62% 177 San Francisco Boat Shoes 3,025 GollyLogoTransparent.png 5faf892e-4b19-4a24-87c2-4af3361f4830
Game 3 Alewife Arsonists 369 42.01% 214 San Francisco Boat Shoes 2,235 GollyLogoTransparent.png 0a38e225-fab1-433d-89fd-8a3255e87b39
Game 4 San Francisco Boat Shoes 422 64.69% 149 Alewife Arsonists 2,695 GollyLogoTransparent.png 0ca35ee7-abb9-473a-8957-b6d01c803fec
Game 5 San Francisco Boat Shoes 231 12.99% 201 Alewife Arsonists 1,069 GollyLogoTransparent.png 3053a5ae-fcb7-4374-9802-990d80c7f60e

The Pothole Rodeo Redux

The Hellmouth II/Season 9 League Championship Series saw a rematch of the first Pothole Rodeo between the AA.png Alewife Arsonists and the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes , and the 7-game series only provided more room for the chaotic, messy, bone-jarring ride to continue to play out. The two teams battled and bruised each other like a driver going in circles in a pothole-filled loop with no offramp. The two teams bashed each other half to death while continuing to try to hang on for dear life.

In a heartbreaking repeat of the first Pothole Rodeo, the Pothole Rodeo Redux saw the Boat Shoes prevail in an epic winner-take-all Game 7.

Season 9 Hot League Championship Series Results Table
SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes vs. AA.png Alewife Arsonists

  Winner W Score Margin L Score Loser Generations Link
Game 1 San Francisco Boat Shoes 248 43.95% 139 Alewife Arsonists 2,708 GollyLogoTransparent.png 17a6b50c-0e34-47bc-b4c8-89dae9b8e2d8
Game 2 Alewife Arsonists 343 63.27% 126 San Francisco Boat Shoes 3,933 GollyLogoTransparent.png 3473ed4b-6472-414d-96dd-819d75541721
Game 3 San Francisco Boat Shoes 335 11.34% 297 Alewife Arsonists 2,805 GollyLogoTransparent.png 1d8a537b-cbce-4a77-bdad-3d11a0ed0817
Game 4 San Francisco Boat Shoes 374 74.60% 95 Alewife Arsonists 3,383 GollyLogoTransparent.png 18e4845c-b65e-4e00-8ac8-3454bbd5004d
Game 5 Alewife Arsonists 389 90.75% 36 San Francisco Boat Shoes 3,436 GollyLogoTransparent.png de2cf1ad-576a-403d-aee6-1c5719e43c86
Game 6 Alewife Arsonists 462 71.00% 134 San Francisco Boat Shoes 5,037 GollyLogoTransparent.png 62888789-bf52-4243-8e00-c6c3f4146d91
Game 7 San Francisco Boat Shoes 321 44.86% 177 Alewife Arsonists 3,339 GollyLogoTransparent.png cc4ef645-ec34-4b64-bb12-9679e53f292e


The Shadow of Elko

Hellmouth II/Season 13 saw the AA.png Alewife Arsonists suffer an unbearable loss to an old rival, the EA.png Elko Astronauts , part of the Thank You For Not Smoking Crown. Elko once again demonstrated an ability to seal themselves off in the cold, silent vacuum of space, making themselves immune to the fire, noise, stink, and chaos of Alewife Station. The Astronauts' reverence for spacetime and the cathedrals built by geoplanetary forces over the course of many millennia left them unintimidated by the Arsonists, or the Brutalist design of their Concrete Cathedral. Instead, the zero gravity of space left the usual flame formations of the Arsonists floating helplessly in inert bubbles. The lack of gravity and atmosphere left Alewife without its most potent weapons, drifting off into the cold freezing vacuum of space in the final Game 6.

The cold Shadow of Elko had once again been cast on Alewife Station.

Season 13 - Hellmouth II Cup Results Table
EA.png Elko Astronauts vs. AA.png Alewife Arsonists

  Winner W Score Margin L Score Loser Generations Link
Game 1 Alewife Arsonists 523 96.94% 16 Elko Astronauts 2,677 GollyLogoTransparent.png 7ba492fd-3b50-4c0b-8939-cec83f91ff90
Game 2 Elko Astronauts 325 51.08% 159 Alewife Arsonists 2,621 GollyLogoTransparent.png 660af71e-b366-4b70-b6a7-34dedfe7c98d
Game 3 Elko Astronauts 381 73.23% 102 Alewife Arsonists 4,655 GollyLogoTransparent.png 690ee468-6cbf-4e60-aadb-b50fe08bc28e
Game 4 Alewife Arsonists 533 94.37% 30 Elko Astronauts 3,101 GollyLogoTransparent.png 374cae39-2d8a-40f3-825e-342709344bf2
Game 5 Elko Astronauts 239 21.76% 187 Alewife Arsonists 3,509 GollyLogoTransparent.png 8f9e3a72-9bca-4ba0-b59a-da3c6a1285d9
Game 6 Elko Astronauts 405 64.94% 142 Alewife Arsonists 4,201 GollyLogoTransparent.png 86553867-a072-4630-841d-80e06a537890

The Unbearable Lightness of Albuquerque

Fate had a hand in bringing together the AA.png Alewife Arsonists and ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks in their first-ever Cup series faceoff in Hellmouth II/Season 15. Both teams were each facing off against one of the notorious Choke Artists (the Arsonists faced the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews while the Punks faced the BPT.png Baltimore Piano Tuners ), and the resulting Double Choke sent the Arsonists and Solarpunks to the final Hellmouth II Cup series.

The Arsonists' loss to the Punks in the final Cup series was a spiritual battle, and a dark night of the soul for Alewife. The Punks brought the strategy that had earned them a dynasty in Hellmouth II/Season 14: The Unbearable Lightness of Albuquerque, a clean, optimistic, and fresh strategy that powered the Punks with nearly unlimited energy. That strategy clashed with the diesel fumes and multi-level power structure of the Arsonists. The mysterious Brake Master Cylinder described the difficulty of getting a foothold against the Solarpunks as "trying to set fire to the sun." The Hellmouth II Cup series loss was particularly galling because it showed that the Arsonists were potentially vulnerable to the strengths of another Cold League team (they had already struggled in vain against the EA.png Elko Astronauts ; the ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks represented a new, novel threat from the Cold League.)

The Shadow of Elko Descends Again

By Hellmouth II/Season 20, the AA.png Alewife Arsonists had been frustrated repeatedly by the EA.png Elko Astronauts , with the Shadow of Elko being cast across the country and landing squarely on Alewife Station, the very end of the Red Line. The Arsonists had been training, sweating, planning, working deep into the night, plotting their revenge against the Astronauts deep in the secret tunnels of the Red Line, preparing new secret plans each season to ambush their rival Astronauts the way they had ambushed the BB.png Boylston Boogers with The Nose Wipe.

It was not long before the Arsonists had their opportunity. In Hellmouth II/Season 20, the Thank You For Not Smoking Crown rivals had their eyes locked on one another from the get go, and both teams battled ferociously through their postseason rivals to have a shot at the other in a rematch of the Season 13 Hellmouth II Cup series. Fans of all teams were elated for yet another chapter in the history of the epic Astronauts-Arsonists matchup.

In a seeming reversal of their string of bad fortune against the Astronauts, the Arsonists took a 3-1 series lead against the Astronauts, and were poised to strike one final, winning blow against Elko to shatter the Shadow of Elko's grip and end the long string of heartbreaks.

But the Shadow of Elko caused a total eclipse of the sun, the Astronauts ushered Alewife into an airlock, and ejected them into deep space, icing them out of the Hellmouth II Cup in a reversal that (given the ferocity and fire in the belly of the Arsonists) virtually no one saw coming. It was an historic, repeated humiliation on the biggest stage, and made the Thank You For Not Smoking Crown the most lopsided crown since the Chews Versus Shoes Crown.

Season 20 - Hellmouth II Cup Results Table
EA.png Elko Astronauts vs. AA.png Alewife Arsonists

  Winner W Score Margin L Score Loser Generations Link
Game 1 Elko Astronauts 304 18.75% 247 Alewife Arsonists 2,632 GollyLogoTransparent.png 51846f18-6d41-419a-bdc9-7faa59f2fe0c
Game 2 Alewife Arsonists 373 49.60% 188 Elko Astronauts 5,297 GollyLogoTransparent.png a4236dd5-cd13-45af-bf51-308079eb63ba
Game 3 Alewife Arsonists 363 74.66% 92 Elko Astronauts 4,840 GollyLogoTransparent.png f34083c9-2b9f-417f-84d1-719ebf61bf5a
Game 4 Alewife Arsonists 334 56.59% 145 Elko Astronauts 3,067 GollyLogoTransparent.png 63ec74bb-ca1b-482d-92cd-c291b8e2947b
Game 5 Elko Astronauts 404 56.19% 177 Alewife Arsonists 4,422 GollyLogoTransparent.png c1c87c32-577e-48c0-900c-37fcfc707122
Game 6 Elko Astronauts 593 88.03% 71 Alewife Arsonists 2,850 GollyLogoTransparent.png 95d7f7e1-3fba-4f51-8e30-75574f984a5a
Game 7 Elko Astronauts 563 85.08% 84 Alewife Arsonists 4,526 GollyLogoTransparent.png ad38fe25-58a8-4ac6-96dd-2c2d60f2bd19

The Grape Wall of Alewife Stands Firm

While the rapid succession of Hellmouth II Cup series losses in Hellmouth II/Season 13, Hellmouth II/Season 15, and Hellmouth II/Season 20 were some of the most heartbreaking in the AA.png Alewife Arsonists 's long and storied history, the consolation prize was defeating the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews and holding the Grape Wall of Alewife strong through the entire Hellmouth II Cup. The Grape Chews continued their endless nightmare of being cursed to never win a pennant, having already "celebrated" a Century of Failure in Hellmouth II/Season 4.

The DET.png Detroit Grape Chews continued to live up to their title of Hot League Choke Artists.

In the Hellmouth II Cup, the Chews choked repeatedly, both in the Division Series (including 4 straight losses to the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes in the League Division Series - Hellmouth II/Season 7 thru Hellmouth II/Season 10) and in the Championship Series.

Overall, the Chews choked in the League Division Series (first round of postseason) nine (9) times:

(Hellmouth II/Season 13 LDS), lost in 4

Overall, the Chews choked in the League Championship Series (second round of postseason) five (5) times:

(Hellmouth II/Season 15 LCS), lost in 6

(Hellmouth II/Season 20 LCS), lost in 7

Burnt At Both Ends

For the AA.png Alewife Arsonists , the Hellmouth II Cup is bookended by identical humiliating early exits from the postseason after being a #1 seed. In both Hellmouth II/Season 1 and Hellmouth II/Season 24, the Arsonists had outstanding seasons by all standards, and in both cases were expected to run the table and put up a tough fight for the Cup against any Cold League team. But as quickly as they had entered, the Arsonists were snuffed out by the #4 seeds. Rival fans, mocking the Ex finibus ignis ("from the ends, fire") motto of the AA.png Alewife Arsonists , nicknamed this phenomena of flaming out so spectacularly Burnt At Both Ends.

The mysterious Brake Master Cylinder has never acknowledged this phrase, and cannot handle any reference to the phrase. If it comes up in any context, Brake Master Cylinder will spontaneously break into a musical number, and will keep up the singing for as long as it takes to clear the air of any mention of the Burnt At Both Ends affair.

Alewife in the Hellmouth II Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthIISeasonsQuantileGraph AA.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron AA}}


Hellmouth III Cup

History

Alewife in the Hellmouth III Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

HellmouthIIISeasonsQuantileGraph AA.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron AA}}


Hellmouth IV Cup

History

Alewife in the Hellmouth IV Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthIVSeasonsQuantileGraph AA.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron AA}}


Hellmouth V Cup

History

Alewife in the Hellmouth V Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthVSeasonsQuantileGraph AA.png

Summary

{{HellmouthVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron AA}}


Navboxes

Hellmouth V League Teams

Hellmouth IV Cup logo

Hellmouth V Cup
Teams 		Cold Fire Division

BTX2.png Baltimore Texas II

EA.png Elko Astronauts

LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds

SLC.png Salt Lake Turbulence

SS.png Seattle Sneakers

Cold Water Division

FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls

TB.png Tucson Butchers

ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks

SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals

SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers

Hot Fire Division

VV.png Vegas Vampires

DET.png Detroit Grape Chews

MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos

SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes

FFF.png Fargo Flea Flickers

Hot Water Division

AA.png Alewife Arsonists

BB.png Boylston Boogers

DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells

SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers

OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations

Navbox Info:
Template:Navbox hellmouth v teams   •   edit
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