Jersey OSHA Violations

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Jersey OSHA Violations
Jersey OSHA Violations logo
"Safety third!"
Team Information
Name Jersey OSHA Violations
Abbreviation OSHA
Primary Color #53917e
Logo  OSHA.png 
Hometown Jersey
Emoji 🚫
Status Active
Rivalry Crowns
Favorites
Movie Law & Order (TV Show)
Divination
Element Fire
Power Word Lawyer
Motto
 
Template:Infobox team   •   edit
 

The OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations are a Golly team from New Jersey. They are not from Chicago.

The Jersey OSHA Violations, who experienced a championship drought for their first 48 seasons of existence (the Hellmouth Cup and Toroidal Cup), were haunted by the Curse of the Silly Goat. This curse, caused by their stadium being built on the site of a former petting zoo and haunted by the perturbed spirit of a theoretical non-Euclidean goat, led to "goat in the machine" glitches during matches, striking the OSHA Violations at the most critical moments.

The Jersey OSHA Violations have a tradition of getting blackout drunk before playoffs games. This has led to the use of the term Jersey Courage to refer to courage gained from intoxication with alcohol.

The Jersey OSHA Violations also have a tradition of smoking copious amounts of marijuana during "team safety" meetings, which are usually called for the purpose of smoking marijuana, which has led to the use of the term Safety Meeting for group smoking sessions.

Team Character

The Jersey OSHA Violations are sticklers for rules, and love processes, procedures, and paperwork. They can find ambiguities in nearly everything, burrowing like termites into the truth until it is so full of holes it is impossible to tell up from down.

OSHA Violations Legal Team

While it is not their principal claim to fame, the OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations have a world-class legal team of experienced and credentialed lawyers. Accidental Dismemberment, a famous Hellmouth trial lawyer, is the team's lead counsel, and offers legal consulting for other Golly teams in any effort to erode the power of the Commissioner's Office.

During the Hellmouth Cup Season 3 Fixing Scandal, the Jersey OSHA Violations Legal Team did pro bono work representing the Golly Players Union in their bid for the right to retire.

The events of the Season 3 Fixing Scandal and subsequent drought of postseason appearances by the OSHA Violations have led some fans to speculate that the Jersey OSHA Violations had a hex placed on their database entries by the Golly Legal Office in retaliation for the Jersey OSHA Violations Legal Team's pro bono work. However, most fans readily acknowledged that the real reason the Jersey OSHA Violations struggled in the postseason is because they kind of sucked.

Lavish Stadium

The OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations stadium is a lavish, state-of-the-art facility featuring:

  • 47 steakhouses
  • Seats with built-in butt-warmers
  • Roof constructed of rare beryllium permanganate crystalline structure that had to be grown in zero gravity
  • Dozens of hot tubs in the club locker rooms
  • A sports car museum, closed to the public, featuring thousands of sports cars stored in an underground salt mine deep beneath the stadium (allegedly)

The OSHA Violations are the only team that consistently comes in above-budget despite being ranked last in attendance.

Persons of Note

The following is an incomplete list of notable members of the Jersey OSHA Violations organization, past and present:

  • The Godfather - nickname for the owner(s) of the franchise (true identity unknown)
  • Accidental Dismemberment - chief legal counsel, Jersey OSHA Violations Legal Team
  • Ambulanzé Chaise-Arré - a hot-shot celebrity tort lawyer who joined the Jersey OSHA Violations as a free agent for the Toroidal Cup
  • Junior Perfect - a top-notch paralegal who ensures everything in the legal office runs smoothly; Perfect has an eagle eye for detail and ensures every capital I is dotted and every capital T is crossed


OSHA Violations in the Hellmouth Cup

Anti-Rivalry with Seattle Sneakers

The SS.png Seattle Sneakers and OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations initially bonded during the Hellmouth Cup through their mutual interest in legal action against the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes . The two teams became fast friends, soon discovering they also share a hobby of pushing the limits of what is possible for the human body to endure, both physically and psychologically. They established an official anti-rivalry, dubbed the Highwire Crown.

Players from the OSHA Violations and Seattle Sneakers routinely go on team outings to participate in such extreme splorts as:

  • base jumping without a parachute
  • skydiving without a plane
  • upside-down tightrope walking
  • jump-off-a-cliff-and-dive-or-maybe-die
  • fire-breathing
  • tire-eating
  • burning-tire-fire-eating
  • taco sword-swallowing

Members of the OSHA Violations legal team are avid sneakerheads, and will get hot tips from the Seattle Sneakers when exclusive sneaker releases drop; in exchange, the OSHA Violations legal team provides free legal consults for the Sneakers.

OSHA Violations in the Toroidal Cup

OSHA Violations in the Rainbow Cup

Curse of the Silly Goat

The Curse of the Silly Goat refers to a curse that affected the Jersey OSHA Violations for the first 48 seasons of their existence, the entirety of the Hellmouth Cup and Toroidal Cup.

The Jersey OSHA Violations stadium was built on the site of a former petting zoo. The main attraction at the former petting zoo was a theoretical, non-Euclidean goat, which was purely conceptual. However, when the petting zoo was shut down, the goat was never set loose, and when the stadium was built on the site, the perturbed non-Euclidean goat spirit began to cause "goat in the machine" glitches during matches. These tended to strike the OSHA Violations at their most crucial moments, creating a long string of heartbreaks.

The curse was finally broken in Rainbow/Season 1, for reasons that are still poorly understood.

Curse removal theories include:

  • The Möbius Fence: A 14-year-old fan of both the OSHA Violations and the philosopher Martin Heidegger published a research paper with a mathematical proof that a "conceptual goat" could be pacified by the "concept" of a three-sided fence. During Rainbow Cup postseason matches at the OSHA Violations stadium, several fans positioned themselves at mathematically precise focal points around the arena. One fan held a sign saying "This is one side of the fence." The second held up another sign that said "This is the second side of the fence." The third held up a sign that said "This is the final side of the fence." The conceptual fence, which may have been missing a side, or may have had an extra side, trapped the conceptual "goat in the machine" in the machine, and the paradox rendered it unable to interfere with matches, allowing the OSHA Violations to finally win.
  • Goat's Goodbye: Spotting an opportunity to break the curse early in Season 1 of the Rainbow Cup, the team hired a Goat Trainer to work with the non-Euclidean goat and develop several "trick plays" that would utilize the goat. It is speculated that the OSHA Violations practiced these trick plays repeatedly throughout the season, all while maintaining a protocol of absolute secrecy. In the final seconds of the final match of the Rainbow Cup series, the OSHA Violations attempted to execute their trick play to outmaneuver the MW.png Mobile Wheels , which would have failed because the haunted spirit of the non-Euclidean silly goat had disappeared sometime during the final match, except the OSHA Violations executed it incorrectly, which caused the trick play to succeed. Commotion broke out on the grid, and when the dust had settled, the OSHA Violations had clinched the Rainbow Cup by a single Rainbow.

First Ever Franchise Championship

In Rainbow/Season 1 the OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations defied the odds, being ranked as underdogs in every postseason series they were in, to gain eternal glory as the first-ever Rainbow Cup champions. The championship victory snapped a 48-season championship drought brought on by the Curse of the Silly Goat.

Season by Season Summary

Season-by-Season Summaries for OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations .

Jersey OSHA Violations in the Hellmouth Cup

HellmouthSeasonsQuantileGraph OSHA.png

{{HellmouthRankList SeasonAllTime Chron OSHA}}


Jersey OSHA Violations in the Toroidal Cup

ToroidalSeasonsQuantileGraph OSHA.png

{{ToroidalRankList SeasonAllTime Chron OSHA}}


Jersey OSHA Violations in the Rainbow Cup

RainbowSeasonsQuantileGraph OSHA.png

{{RainbowRankList SeasonAllTime Chron OSHA}}


Jersey OSHA Violations in the Klein Cup

KleinSeasonsQuantileGraph OSHA.png

{{KleinRankList SeasonAllTime Chron OSHA}}


Jersey OSHA Violations in the Hellmouth II Cup

HellmouthIISeasonsQuantileGraph OSHA.png

{{HellmouthIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron OSHA}}


Jersey OSHA Violations in the Hellmouth III Cup

HellmouthIIISeasonsQuantileGraph OSHA.png

{{HellmouthIIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron OSHA}}


Jersey OSHA Violations in the Hellmouth IV Cup

HellmouthIVSeasonsQuantileGraph OSHA.png

{{HellmouthIVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron OSHA}}


Jersey OSHA Violations in the Hellmouth V Cup

HellmouthVSeasonsQuantileGraph OSHA.png

{{HellmouthVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron OSHA}}


Art

The Jersey OSHA Violations were one of the first teams to have a logo:

OSHAViolations Logo.png

Posters

The following poster was commissioned by the Artists Union after the OSHA Violations made it to the Hellmouth Cup series in Season 12 to face off against the San Francisco Boat Shoes.

OSHA Poster OSH.png

Cup Posters

Season12 HellmouthCup Poster.png

Navboxes

Hellmouth V League Teams

Hellmouth IV Cup logo

Hellmouth V Cup
Teams 		Cold Fire Division

BTX2.png Baltimore Texas II

EA.png Elko Astronauts

LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds

SLC.png Salt Lake Turbulence

SS.png Seattle Sneakers

Cold Water Division

FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls

TB.png Tucson Butchers

ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks

SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals

SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers

Hot Fire Division

VV.png Vegas Vampires

DET.png Detroit Grape Chews

MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos

SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes

FFF.png Fargo Flea Flickers

Hot Water Division

AA.png Alewife Arsonists

BB.png Boylston Boogers

DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells

SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers

OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations

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