Detroit Grape Chews

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Detroit Grape Chews
Detroit Grape Chews logo
"Chews loudly! Chews wisely!"
Team Information
Name Detroit Grape Chews
Primary Color #9963ab
Logo  DET.png 
Abbreviation DET
Nickname The Chews; The Chancellors of Choke; The Emperors of Embarrassment; The Sultans of Suck
Hometown Detroit
Emoji 🍬
Status Active
Rivalry Crowns
Preferences
Mixtape Detroit🍬Grape🍬Chews🍬
Divination
Element Fire
Power Word Choke
Motto
 
Template:Infobox team   •   edit
 

The Detroit Grape Chews are a Golly team from Detroit, Michigan. Early in the team's history the Grape Chews were famous for their rivalry with the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos , dubbed the Midwest Crown, but eventually they became famous as the Hot League Choke Artists due to the fact that they have never clinched a pennant or appeared in a Cup series. (The BTX.png Baltimore Texas were famous as the Cold League Choke Artists).

Team Character

The Detroit Grape Chews have thin skin and have a well-known propensity to start fistfights with strangers or settle arguments with fists. In fact fans of opposing teams will often taunt the Grape Chews on the grid in order to rile up the players, who will then start fistfights on the grid with other players.

Grape Chews are very insecure and have fragile egos. Their inability to perform in high-pressure postseason games is a negative feedback loop: each time they fail to deliver in the postseason, it increases the expectations and pressure for the next appearance. Mounting pressure leads to anxiety and poor performance, which causes them to choke and lose matches, and so the cycle continues.

Grape Chews in the Hellmouth Cup

The Big Purple Machine

The Grape Chews had no problems getting to the postseason - they were in the postseason for the first 7 seasons of the Hellmouth Cup. Their consistency in powering through other teams during the regular season earned the team the nickname "Big Purple Machine" - but as season after season went by, and the Grape Chews lost series after series, the "Big Purple Machine" nickname fell out of general use in favor of the more pithy and fitting nickname, "Choke Artists".

Midwest Crown and Rivalry with Milwaukee Flamingos

Main: Midwest Crown

The rivalry between the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews and the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos is a long and complicated one. Starting in Season 1 of the Hellmouth Cup, the rivalry was intense and white-hot; it was named as one of the three Crown Jewels of Golly rivalries. On-field fistfights during Grape Chews-Flamingos matches were more intense and resulted in far more injuries than fistfights between the Grape Chews and any other teams.

However, as the Hellmouth Cup progressed, the rivalry became much more one-way, with the Detroit Grape Chews building much of their team identity around the rivalry, but the Milwaukee Flamingos rapidly losing interest in the rivalry. The Flamingos cited a desire to establish their own identity as a benevolent flock of birds, and began to publicly distance themselves from the Grape Chews. (It is a well-known fact that Milwaukee Flamingos players have never gotten into a single fistfight outside of their matches with the Detroit Grape Chews.)

Valentines Day Series and Butchers-Flamingos Anti-Rivalry

After establishing a hot, messy anti-rivalry in Season 9's Hellmouth Cup series, the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and TB.png Tucson Butchers had many unresolved storylines and tangled loose ends in their newly budding anti-rivalry. Working feverishly toward that end, both teams spent Season 10 with a singular focus on making it to the Hellmouth Cup. The two teams met in their second cup series on Valentine's Day, forever cementing them as the Lovers of Golly.

Initial configuration for "The Lovers Embrace," which set a record for the longest Golly match in history.
GollyLogoTransparent.png b5041ae0-f1a9-49bd-a8fa-79e9ffa00dee
"The Lovers Embrace" after 5,461 generations. Despite being the obvious losers the Milwaukee Flamingos kept teasing the Tucson Butchers for another 2,000 generations.
GollyLogoTransparent.png b5041ae0-f1a9-49bd-a8fa-79e9ffa00dee

The Season 10 Hellmouth Cup series between the TB.png Tucson Butchers and MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos was nicknamed the "Valentine's Day Series" because it took place on Valentine's Day, because the red/pink color scheme, and because during the Season 9 Hellmouth Cup series, which also featured the Butchers vs the Flamingos, the two teams had developed an anti-rivalry and resolved to meet again in the Hellmouth Cup soon.

This Hellmouth Cup series forms the first X (Season 10, or X) of the Triple X.

Game 1 became notable because, in addition to setting a record for longest game, the Butchers and Flamingos spent most of Game 1 making out, causing most viewers to lose interest in the series altogether, and making Season 10 the least-watched postseason series in Golly history.

The Lovers Embrace

The Lovers Embrace is a nickname given to Game 1 of the Hellmouth Cup GollyLogoTransparent.png b5041ae0-f1a9-49bd-a8fa-79e9ffa00dee, when the TB.png Tucson Butchers and MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos were reunited after a season apart. The game set a record for the longest Hellmouth Cup series match in history (7,255 generations - see Records/Length/Hellmouth#Longest Postseason Games in Hellmouth Cup).

The game took place on the Underground Cave Complex map. The Tucson Butchers dominated the grid early, which freed them up to spend most of the rest of the match making out with the Milwaukee Flamingos. By the end of the match, most fans had left, and those that remained were booing the umpires; no one could understand why the umpires took so long to declare the match over.

The Flamingos' Flawless Dynasty

With their back-to-back victories in the Season 9 and Season 10 Hellmouth Cup series, the Flamingos established their franchise's first Flawless Dyansty and the second Flawless Dynasty in Golly history.

Effect of Valentines Day Series on Midwest Crown

Main: Midwest Love Triangle

The Season 9 and Season 10 Hellmouth Cup and the messy, complicated anti-rivalry between the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and TB.png Tucson Butchers is credited by many historians and psychoanalysts with being one of the principal causes that contributed to the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews becoming the Hot League Choke Artists and failing to make it to a final Cup series during their entire history.

The Grape Chews' inability to clinch a Hot League pennant and make it to a single cup game during their entire history was attributed to a combination of overperforming to show off for the Flamingos (which put them in the postseason often) and the tendency to choke in clutch situations, resulting in repeated postseason disappointment for the Grape Chews.

A public statement shortly after the Season 10 Hellmouth Cup by the TB.png Tucson Butchers (in response to a reporter's question about the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews ) said the Grape Chews were artificially-created globs of manufactured flavor, while Butchers and Flamingos were real, visceral flesh and blood. The Big Purple Machine nickname was never given to a Grape Chews team after Season 10, leading many to interpret the statement as marking the symbolic end of the Grape Chews' Big Purple Machine era.

Midwest Love Triangle

While not, strictly speaking, a love triangle, more like a love motorcycle with a sidecar, fans took to calling the collective complicated relationships between the Flamingos, Grape Chews, and Butchers as the Midwest Love Triangle, starting after Season 10 of the Hellmouth Cup.

The Grape Chews became further frustrated from being rejected and ignored by the Flamingos; their performance tanked during the multiple seasons that followed the Season 10 Valentine's Day Series.

On several occasions, the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews made surprise visits to the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos training facilities, only to discover that the TB.png Tucson Butchers were visiting, making things extremely awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. On several occasions, fistfights involving the Grape Chews, Butchers, Flamingos, and/or innocent bystanders took place in the street outside the Flamingos training facility.

The Flamingos eventually broke off all formal relations with the Grape Chews, although the Midwest Crown continued.

Detroit Choke Artistry in the Hellmouth Cup

The DET.png Detroit Grape Chews earned the title of Hot League Choke Artists in the Hellmouth Cup. Despite consistently making a strong showing in the regular season and making appearances in the postseason, the Chews repeatedly choked in critical moments, earning them the Choke Artist nickname. The Chews continued to earn their reputation, and the nickname stuck - permanently. Throughout the course of the Hellmouth Cup, the Chews lost seven League Championship series, failing to clinch a pennant seven times:

(Note that this is only considering losses in the League Championship Series, and does not account for losses in the League Division Series.)

Grape Chews in the Toroidal Cup

The Dynasty Detroit Built

Over the course of the Toroidal Cup, the rivalry between the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and DET.png Detroit Grape Chews went from cool to icy. The Flamingos, who had already established a Flawless Dynasty in the Hellmouth Cup, established a second Flawless Dynasty, this one in the Toroidal Cup, in Toroidal/Season 17.

Milwaukee's Toroidal Cup Dynasty has been nicknamed "The Dynasty Detroit Built" as a result of the fact that all three of Milwaukee's Hot League pennant-clinching Championship Series wins were over Detroit. This cemented the Grape Chews' legacy as the Hot League Choke Artists, and gave the Milwaukee Flamingos a permanent moral high ground in the Midwest Crown rivalry.

Grape Chews Blow Their Last Chance

In Toroidal/Season 17 the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews and MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos met in the Hot League Championship Series, while the TB.png Tucson Butchers faced the Cold League Choke Artists the BTX.png Baltimore Texas in the Cold League Championship Series, meaning the winner of the Hot League series would definitely face the Butchers - the third leg of the Midwest Love Triangle.

Prior to the Hot League Championship Series, the Flamingos made a deal with the Grape Chews. If the Grape Chews could win the Season 17 Hot League Championship Series, and then win the Toroidal Cup series against the Butchers, the Flamingos would agree to resurrect the Midwest Crown rivalry, abandon their romance with the Butchers, and go back to the way things were in the early seasons of the Hellmouth Cup to give things another shot. If the Grape Chews lost the series, or the Toroidal Cup series, the Flamingos and Grape Chews would mutually agree to close the book on the Midwest Crown and retire the rivalry forever.

The Grape Chews agreed. The Grape Chews and Flamingos tied up the series at 2 games apiece. And then, the Grape Chews choked in a critical Game 5.

In Game 5 ToroidalCup.png f69096d2-d073-4be2-8b7f-9f105667cbb4, arguably the most important and defining game of the entire Detroit Grape Chews franchise, the Grape Chews started off weak, and only got weaker, until they were completely overrun by the Flamingos. It was a characteristic choke under maximum pressure.

The Grape Chews would later repeatedly refer to this game as "The Breakup," including several attempts to bring up Game 5 out of nowhere when talking to the Flamingos and then casually dropping "The Breakup" nickname, but the Flamingos ignored the nickname, and the rest of the league followed suit and also ignored it.

Flamingos-Butchers Secret Shotgun Vegas Wedding

Shortly after winning the Toroidal/Season 17 championship, with the Commissioner's Office bearing down on them with an investigation, the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos absconded to Las Vegas with their lovers, the TB.png Tucson Butchers , whom they had just beaten to achieve a second Flawless Dynasty. They claimed that the trip was an attempt to avoid media attention.

However, with the opening of an investigation, the Flamingos faced the possible revocation of two Flawless Dyanasties, incineration, and worse - eternal humiliation. The Flamingos consulted the OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations legal team for advice.

The first and most important advice the Flamingos received from the OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations legal team was for the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and TB.png Tucson Butchers to immediately get married in a secret surprise Vegas shotgun wedding. Getting married would allow the two teams to claim spousal privilege during the investigation, significantly hindering its progress. However, the marriage was kept secret for fear of confirming everyone's suspicions about the Butchers throwing the championship for their lovers, the Flamingos.

Chews To Be or Not To Be

When the Commissioner released the Cancel Texas Memo and announced the incineration of the BTX.png Baltimore Texas , the Commissioner did not give the Texas a choice in the matter. However, the Commissioner did contact the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews to offer the possibility of being incinerated alongside their fellow Choke Artists, thus ending their humiliating, championship-appearance-free existence once and for all and the possibility of being reincarnated as a cursed expansion team, one day, many decades from now.

The offer came at a critical time for the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews . They had been humiliated in the League Championship Series of the Toroidal/Season 17, when they were forced to agree to disband the Midwest Crown following their loss. They had given up their third Hot League pennant to the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos , who went on to establish the Dynasty Detroit Built. And to top it off, they had just found out about the secret marriage of the Flamingos and Butchers, through a Commissioner's Office press release of all things.

The Grape Chews ultimately decided to stick their finger in fate's eye and continue their Sisyphean existence as the Hot League Choke Artists, abandoning themselves to a probable fate full of further failure and humiliation. But this time, they could do so knowing they were free of their old Milwaukee attachments, their old Milwaukee rivalries, their old deep feelings for Milwaukee that they could easily bottle up and bury, no problem, nope, none at all.

Quote from the Commissioner: "Let the record show, that the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews chose to continue to exist. Should further misery continue to befall them, they are now solely responsible for it."

Detroit Choke Artistry in the Toroidal Cup

The DET.png Detroit Grape Chews continued to live up to their title of Hot League Choke Artists in the Toroidal Cup. In addition to the 3 League Championship Series losses to the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos that formed the Dynasty Detroit Built (Toroidal/Season 2, Toroidal/Season 10, Toroidal/Season 17), the Grape Chews also lost League Championship Series to four other teams in that time, leading to seven failures to clinch a pennant:

(Note that this is only considering losses in the League Championship Series, and does not account for losses in the League Division Series.)

Grape Chews in the Rainbow Cup

Midwest II Crown and Rivalry with Fargo Flea Flickers

Main: Midwest II Crown

In Toroidal/Season 17, the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos issued a final ultimatum to the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews , putting the fate of the Midwest Crown on the line. The Grape Chews blew their last chance and the Midwest Crown was canceled. The Flamingos faced the Butchers in the Toroidal Cup, and at the end of the season they eloped in Las Vegas, leaving the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews rudderless, without the rivalry they had built their team identity around, and at an elevated risk of spontaneous incineration.

The Chews were intent on finding a replacement rivalry to help them get over the Flamingos. They learned the FFF.png Fargo Flea Flickers would be joining Golly for the Rainbow Cup, so they began to make plans for a new Midwest II Crown with the Flea Flickers. However, while the Grape Chews rebuilt their entire team identity and marketing strategy and branding material around the new Midwest II Crown rivalry, the Flea Flickers were indifferent to the idea, insisting they were "conflict averse" and didn't want to "get hung up on conflict" - concepts that were completely foreign to the Grape Chews.

In order to avoid conflict with the Grape Chews, who love to start fist fights, the Flea Flickers continue to play along and participate in the Crown each year, but enthusiasm for the Midwest II Crown continues to be entirely one-sided.

Grape Chews in the Klein Cup

The Midwest Staredown

The Midwest Staredown is the nickname for the Klein/Season 1 League Championship Series between the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews , specifically, Game 6, which lasted for 10,168 generations (KleinCup.png 96bc14a5-21eb-4ff1-bbd9-825d711debad). Although the Detroit Grape Chews won the staredown to even the series at 3-3, they ultimately choked in Game 7. The MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos advanced to the first Klein Cup and faced the TB.png Tucson Butchers , to whom they are married.

The Midwest Staredown did re-spark interest in the Midwest Crown, which had been on hiatus.

Detroit Choke Artistry in the Klein Cup

The DET.png Detroit Grape Chews continued to live up to their title of Hot League Choke Artists in the Klein Cup. In addition to blowing the League Championship Series twice each to the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos , DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells , and BB.png Boylston Boogers , they managed to best their own track record of choking, failing to clinch a pennant nine times:

(Note that this account is only losses in the League Championship Series, and does not account for losses in the League Division Series.)

Grape Chews in the Klein Cup

A Century of Failure

Hellmouth II/Season 4 marked the 100th season in which the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews have failed to clinch a Hot League pennant or reach their first-ever Cup game:

  • Hellmouth Cup: 24 seasons of pennant-free performance by Detroit (24 total)
  • Toroidal Cup: 24 seasons of pennant-free performance by Detroit (48 total)
  • Rainbow Cup: 24 seasons of pennant-free performance by Detroit (72 total)
  • Klein Cup: 24 seasons of pennant-free performance by Detroit (96 total)
  • Hellmouth II Cup: 4 (and counting) seasons of pennant-free performance by Detroit (100 total)

True to form, the Grape Chews finished strong during the regular season (Hellmouth II/Season 4), and made it to the postseason - hooray for consistent regular season performance by the Grape Chews!

The Grape Chews overpowered the BB.png Boylston Boogers in the Division Series, beating them just as they have beaten countless other opponents in countless other Hot League Division Series. (Except the Klein Cup, yikes.)

Soon after, the Grape Chews found themselves in the Hot League Championship Series, with the franchise facing 100 seasons without ever clinching a Hot League Pennant.

  • "Here is our chance," they thought. "Surely, we won't fail this time," they said to themselves. "What are the odds we pooch it 100 times in a row?" they pondered, alone to themselves, when the locker room was empty.
  • The Detroit Grape Chews fought valiantly with he Jersey OSHA Violations: tooth and nail fist to face, eye for an eye.
  • The Grape Chews managed to tie up the series, 3-3.

Here we go: it all came down to Game 7 (GollyLogoTransparent.png 64276ed7-86e4-48fb-9120-663c286025e2).

In Game 7, The Chews performed pitifully. Over the course of nearly 3,000 generations, there was never a doubt as to which team was in control (the OSHA Violations) and which team was the tiny excited clueless puppy dog running into the wall (Detroit). The Chews trailed the OSHA Violations for the entire match, thus sealing the fate of the Hellmouth II/Season 4 DET.png Detroit Grape Chews as the saddest team in Golly history. (Sorry to be the bearer of bad Chews, Detroit.)

Grape Chews in the Hellmouth II Cup

Detroit Choke Artistry in the Hellmouth II Cup

The DET.png Detroit Grape Chews continued to live up to their title of Hot League Choke Artists in the Hellmouth II Cup. In the Hellmouth II Cup the Chews choked time and time again in the Division Series (including 4 straight losses to the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes in the League Division Series - Hellmouth II/Season 7 thru Hellmouth II/Season 10). Due to their large Division Series choke rate, they almost didn't have a shot at the Hot League pennant and a chance to choke in the Championship Series. But they still managed to get a few opportunities, and pooch it with every single one.

Overall, the Chews choked in the League Championship five times:

(Note that the Chews dropped nine League Division Series.)

Season by Season Summary

Season-by-Season Summaries for DET.png Detroit Grape Chews .

Detroit Grape Chews in the Hellmouth Cup

HellmouthSeasonsQuantileGraph DET.png

{{HellmouthRankList SeasonAllTime Chron DET}}


Detroit Grape Chews in the Toroidal Cup

ToroidalSeasonsQuantileGraph DET.png

{{ToroidalRankList SeasonAllTime Chron DET}}


Detroit Grape Chews in the Rainbow Cup

RainbowSeasonsQuantileGraph DET.png

{{RainbowRankList SeasonAllTime Chron DET}}


Detroit Grape Chews in the Klein Cup

KleinSeasonsQuantileGraph DET.png

{{KleinRankList SeasonAllTime Chron DET}}


Detroit Grape Chews in the Hellmouth II Cup

HellmouthIISeasonsQuantileGraph DET.png

{{HellmouthIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron DET}}


Detroit Grape Chews in the Hellmouth III Cup

HellmouthIIISeasonsQuantileGraph DET.png

{{HellmouthIIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron DET}}


Navboxes

Hellmouth Cup Teams

Hellmouth Cup logo

Hellmouth Cup
Teams 		Cold Fire Division

BTX.png Baltimore Texas

EA.png Elko Astronauts

LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds

SLC.png Salt Lake Turbulence

SS.png Seattle Sneakers

Cold Water Division

FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls

FWPT.png Ft. Worth Piano Tuners

OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations

SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals

TB.png Tucson Butchers

Hot Fire Division

DECOOLD.png Delaware Corporate Shells

DET.png Detroit Grape Chews

MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos

SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes

SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers

Hot Water Division

AA.png Alewife Arsonists

BB.png Boylston Boogers

ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks

ORL.png Orlando Business Majors

SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers

ATL.png Atlanta Glitter Sharks (quitters)

Navbox Info:
Template:Navbox hellmouth teams   •   edit


Toroidal Cup Teams

Toroidal Cup logo

Toroidal Cup
Teams 		Cold Fire Division

BTX.png Baltimore Texas (incinerated)

BPT.png Baltimore Piano Tuners

EA.png Elko Astronauts

LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds

SLC.png Salt Lake Turbulence

SS.png Seattle Sneakers

Cold Water Division

FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls

FWPT.png Ft. Worth Piano Tuners (moved to Baltimore)

LIL.png Louisville Illusionists

OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations

SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals

TB.png Tucson Butchers

Hot Fire Division

DECOOLD.png Delaware Corporate Shells (suspended pending litigation)

VV.png Vegas Vampires

DET.png Detroit Grape Chews

MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos

SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes

SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers

Hot Water Division

AA.png Alewife Arsonists

BB.png Boylston Boogers

ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks

ORL.png Orlando Business Majors

SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers

Navbox Info:
Template:Navbox toroidal teams   •   edit


Rainbow Cup Teams

Rainbow Cup logo

Rainbow Cup
Teams 		Unwest League, Cold Division

MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos

DET.png Detroit Grape Chews

FFF.png Fargo Flea Flickers

BPT.png Baltimore Piano Tuners

Unwest League, Northunwest Division

DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells

OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations

AA.png Alewife Arsonists

BB.png Boylston Boogers

Unwest League, South Division

SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers

ORL.png Orlando Business Majors

LIL.png Louisville Illusionists

MW.png Mobile Wheels

West League, Mountain Division

EA.png Elko Astronauts

ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks

GJC.png Grand Junction Conjunctions

SLC.png Salt Lake Turbulence

West League, Pacific Division

SS.png Seattle Sneakers

SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes

SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers

VV.png Vegas Vampires

West League, Southwest Division

TB.png Tucson Butchers

FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls

SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals

LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds

Navbox Info:
Template:Navbox rainbow teams   •   edit


Klein League Teams

Klein Cup logo

Klein Cup
Teams 		Cold Fire Division

BPT.png Baltimore Piano Tuners

EA.png Elko Astronauts

LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds

SLC.png Salt Lake Turbulence

SS.png Seattle Sneakers

Cold Water Division

FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls

TB.png Tucson Butchers

ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks

SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals

SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers

Hot Fire Division

VV.png Vegas Vampires

DET.png Detroit Grape Chews

MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos

SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes

FFF.png Fargo Flea Flickers

Hot Water Division

AA.png Alewife Arsonists

BB.png Boylston Boogers

DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells

SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers

OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations

Navbox Info:
Template:Navbox klein teams   •   edit
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