Seattle Sneakers
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The Seattle Sneakers
(The Sneaks) are a Golly team from Seattle, Washington. They joined the Hellmouth Cup in Season 1.
The Sneakers' major arcana is The High Priestess; they have a deep spiritual connection to the Underworld and frequently pass between the Realm of the Living and the Realm of the Dead.
The Sneakers are known for being fearless in the face of danger, courageous when all others lose heart, and never willing to hear what the odds are.
Team Character
The Coolest
The Seattle Sneakers are the coolest team in Golly. Everyone admires their style. Once, as a prank, the entire Seattle Sneakers team wore giant baby diapers to their matches, and acted like it was totally normal. The next day, every other team was wearing giant baby diapers to their matches.
Love of Heights
The Seattle Sneakers
live out their motto, "Don't Look Down," in daily life. Many Sneakers players are world-class amateur extreme splorts enthusiasts in such splorts as such as upside-down tightrope walking or no-plane skydiving. Other players on the Sneakers engage in various forms of strength-building splorts, such as zero-g weightlifting, or psychological endurance splorts, such as long-distance sensory deprivation running. Several Seattle Sneakers players hold world titles in various competitive eating splorts.
Friendship with Jersey OSHA Violations
The Seattle Sneakers
and
Jersey OSHA Violations
initially bonded during the Hellmouth Cup through their mutual interest in legal action against the
San Francisco Boat Shoes
. The two teams became fast friends, soon discovering they also share a hobby of pushing the limits of what is possible for the human body to endure, both physically and psychologically. They established an official anti-rivalry, dubbed the Highwire Crown.
Players from the OSHA Violations and Seattle Sneakers routinely go on team outings to participate in such extreme splorts as:
- base jumping without a parachute
- skydiving without a plane
- upside-down tightrope walking
- jump-off-a-cliff-and-dive-or-maybe-die
- fire-breathing
- tire-eating
- burning-tire-fire-eating
- taco sword-swallowing
Members of the OSHA Violations legal team are avid sneakerheads, and will get hot tips from the Seattle Sneakers when exclusive sneaker releases drop; in exchange, the OSHA Violations legal team provides free legal consults for the Sneakers.
Sneakers in the Hellmouth Cup
Feud with San Francisco Boat Shoes
During Season 8 the San Francisco Boat Shoes
, who were eliminated from the postseason, made several social media posts that tagged the Seattle Sneakers or alluded to them.
The San Francisco Boat Shoes
and Sneakers did not normally interact, since they were in the Hot and Cold Leagues, respectively. The Sneakers claimed to have never heard of the "Boat Shoes," and proceeded to mock footwear designed specifically for sailboat owners as out-of-touch.
Boat Shoes Trademark Attempts
The San Francisco Boat Shoes
continued efforts to interact with the Sneakers via social media, and were subsequently blocked.
The Boat Shoes began to attempt to get attention through legal avenues. They started by trademarking the "Fresh Footwear Crown" as part of a merchandising effort, and sent a team of lawyers to Seattle to negotiate a cut of profits with the Sneakers. The lawyers were unable to find the main offices of the Sneakers using the intentionally incorrect directions provided by the Sneakers, and the deal fell through.
The Boat Shoes then attempted to trademark the "Fresh Kicks Crown" as part of another merchandising effort. The Boat Shoes sent a bounty hunter instead of a team of lawyers the second time around.
Realizing they were out of their depth, the Seattle Sneakers reached out to the Jersey OSHA Violations
for legal help. The OSHA Violations were no friends of the Boat Shoes after the events of the Season 3 Fixing Scandal). With help from the OSHA Violations, the Sneakers were able to successfully challenge the "Fresh Kicks Crown" trademark claims of the Boat Shoes in court.
Fresh Kicks Crown
Main: Fresh Kicks Crown
The Sneakers, playing it cool, spent the entire Hellmouth Cup denying the existence of the San Francisco Boat Shoes
, while the Boat Shoes, desperate for the attention of the Sneakers, repeatedly declared they would do everything in their power to meet the Sneakers in the Hellmouth Cup series.
Intern Rekindles Boat Shoes Feud
In Season 11 a social media intern for the Seattle Sneakers posted from a team account that "boat shoes are stupid" and "who needs special shoes just to walk on a boat? lol"
The post gathered intense interest and had several hundred thousand likes within 24 hours. The social media intern was rapidly promoted to Assistant General Manager of the Seattle Sneakers.
Fresh Kicks Crown Revived
In Season 16 the Phoenix Freshrolls
joined the Golly league as an expansion team. The Seattle Sneakers posted on social media that they thought the Freshrolls toilet paper logo was "fresh" and the post received several hundred thousand likes within 24 hours.
The Sneakers and Freshrolls entered into an anti-rivalry, which the Sneakers suggested they call the "Fresh Kicks Crown". The Freshrolls eagerly agreed, and the entire anti-rivalry was already well-established by the time the Boat Shoes heard about it. The Boat Shoes were incensed, and complained loudly on social media in the hopes the Sneakers would see it, but the Sneakers never saw it because they had blocked the Boat Shoes a long time ago.
Season by Season Summary
Season-by-Season Summaries for Seattle Sneakers
.
Seattle Sneakers in the Hellmouth Cup
{{HellmouthRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}
- In Season 1 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
Long Beach Flightless Birds 2-3.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
- In Season 4 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
Baltimore Texas 2-3.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
- In Season 7 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
Long Beach Flightless Birds 1-3.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
- In Season 8 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They swept the
Jersey OSHA Violations 3-0 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the
Baltimore Texas 3-2 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They lost the Hellmouth Cup Series to the
Alewife Arsonists , 1-4.
- They swept the
- In Season 11 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
Baltimore Texas 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the
Ft. Worth Piano Tuners 1-3.
- They defeated the
- In Season 13 the Seattle Sneakers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
San Diego Balloon Animals 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the
Elko Astronauts 2-3.
- They defeated the
- In Season 15 the Seattle Sneakers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
Long Beach Flightless Birds 2-3.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
- In Season 21 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
Long Beach Flightless Birds 1-3.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
- In Season 22 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
Baltimore Texas 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the
Jersey OSHA Violations 3-1 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They lost the Hellmouth Cup Series to the
Orlando Business Majors , 2-4.
- They defeated the
Seattle Sneakers in the Toroidal Cup
{{ToroidalRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}
- In Toroidal/Season 2 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
Ft. Worth Piano Tuners 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by sweeping the
San Diego Balloon Animals 3-0 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They were swept in the Toroidal Cup Series by the
Milwaukee Flamingos .
- They defeated the
- In Toroidal/Season 3 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the
Elko Astronauts .
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the
- In Toroidal/Season 15 the Seattle Sneakers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
Phoenix Freshrolls 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the
Ft. Worth Piano Tuners 1-3.
- They defeated the
- In Toroidal/Season 18 the Seattle Sneakers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
Ft. Worth Piano Tuners 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the
Long Beach Flightless Birds 2-3.
- They defeated the
- In Toroidal/Season 20 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They swept the
Phoenix Freshrolls 3-0 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by sweeping the
Elko Astronauts 3-0 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They became Toroidal Cup champions by defeating the
Orlando Business Majors 4-1.
- They swept the
Seattle Sneakers in the Rainbow Cup
{{RainbowRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}
- In Rainbow/Season 2 the Seattle Sneakers were the #2 seed in the West League.
- They were knocked out in the West League Championship Series by the
Vegas Vampires and the
Long Beach Flightless Birds .
- They were knocked out in the West League Championship Series by the
- In Rainbow/Season 6 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the West League.
- They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in first place ahead of the
Grand Junction Conjunctions .
- They came in fourth in the Rainbow Cup Series, accumulating 34π to finish 27π behind the first-place
Louisville Illusionists .
- They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in first place ahead of the
- In Rainbow/Season 8 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the West League.
- They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in first place ahead of the
San Diego Balloon Animals .
- They came in second in the Rainbow Cup Series, accumulating 38π to finish 30π behind the first-place
Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers .
- They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in first place ahead of the
- In Rainbow/Season 9 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the West League.
- They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in first place ahead of the
Salt Lake Turbulence .
- They came in second in the Rainbow Cup Series, accumulating 57π to finish 14π behind the first-place
Milwaukee Flamingos .
- They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in first place ahead of the
- In Rainbow/Season 10 the Seattle Sneakers were the #1 seed in the West League.
- They were knocked out in the West League Championship Series by the
Elko Astronauts and the
San Diego Balloon Animals .
- They were knocked out in the West League Championship Series by the
- In Rainbow/Season 16 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the West League.
- They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in first place ahead of the
Long Beach Flightless Birds .
- They won the Rainbow Cup Series, accumulating 57π to finish 8π ahead of the
Fargo Flea Flickers .
- They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in first place ahead of the
- In Rainbow/Season 17 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the West League.
- They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in first place ahead of the
San Francisco Boat Shoes .
- They came in second in the Rainbow Cup Series, accumulating 53π to finish 11π behind the first-place
Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers .
- They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in first place ahead of the
- In Rainbow/Season 18 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the West League.
- They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in first place ahead of the
Phoenix Freshrolls .
- They came in third in the Rainbow Cup Series, accumulating 35π to finish 33π behind the first-place
Mobile Wheels .
- They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in first place ahead of the
Seattle Sneakers in the Klein Cup
{{KleinRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}
- In Klein/Season 1 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They swept the
Baltimore Piano Tuners 3-0 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the
Tucson Butchers 1-4.
- They swept the
- In Klein/Season 2 the Seattle Sneakers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
Long Beach Flightless Birds 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the
San Diego Balloon Animals 4-3 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They lost the Klein Cup Series to the
Delaware Corporate Shells , 1-4.
- They defeated the
- In Klein/Season 4 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
Albuquerque Solarpunks 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the
Sacramento Boot Lickers 3-4.
- They defeated the
- In Klein/Season 5 the Seattle Sneakers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They swept the
San Diego Balloon Animals 3-0 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They were swept in the Cold League Championship Series by the
Long Beach Flightless Birds .
- They swept the
- In Klein/Season 6 the Seattle Sneakers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the
Albuquerque Solarpunks .
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the
- In Klein/Season 8 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the
Tucson Butchers .
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the
- In Klein/Season 13 the Seattle Sneakers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the
Salt Lake Turbulence .
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the
- In Klein/Season 17 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
Tucson Butchers 2-3.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
- In Klein/Season 18 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
Phoenix Freshrolls 2-3.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
- In Klein/Season 19 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
Albuquerque Solarpunks 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the
Elko Astronauts 4-2 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They lost the Klein Cup Series to the
Jersey OSHA Violations , 3-4.
- They defeated the
- In Klein/Season 20 the Seattle Sneakers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
Albuquerque Solarpunks 1-3.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
- In Klein/Season 21 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
Tucson Butchers 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the
Salt Lake Turbulence 4-3 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They lost the Klein Cup Series to the
Jersey OSHA Violations , 2-4.
- They defeated the
- In Klein/Season 23 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They swept the
Albuquerque Solarpunks 3-0 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the
Tucson Butchers 4-1 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They lost the Klein Cup Series to the
Milwaukee Flamingos , 2-4.
- They swept the
Seattle Sneakers in the Hellmouth II Cup
{{HellmouthIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}
- In Hellmouth II/Season 2 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the
Baltimore Piano Tuners .
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the
- In Hellmouth II/Season 9 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
Salt Lake Turbulence 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the
Long Beach Flightless Birds 3-4.
- They defeated the
- In Hellmouth II/Season 17 the Seattle Sneakers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
Tucson Butchers 1-3.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
- In Hellmouth II/Season 18 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They swept the
Tucson Butchers 3-0 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the
Phoenix Freshrolls 3-4.
- They swept the
- In Hellmouth II/Season 19 the Seattle Sneakers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
Tucson Butchers 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the
Salt Lake Turbulence 4-3 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They lost the Hellmouth II Cup Series to the
Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers , 3-4.
- They defeated the
- In Hellmouth II/Season 21 the Seattle Sneakers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
Baltimore Piano Tuners 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the
Phoenix Freshrolls 4-2 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They lost the Hellmouth II Cup Series to the
Fargo Flea Flickers , 1-4.
- They defeated the
- In Hellmouth II/Season 22 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
Phoenix Freshrolls 2-3.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
- In Hellmouth II/Season 23 the Seattle Sneakers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
San Diego Balloon Animals 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the
Elko Astronauts 1-4.
- They defeated the
Seattle Sneakers in the Hellmouth III Cup
{{HellmouthIIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}
- In Hellmouth III/Season 1 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
Tucson Butchers 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the
Long Beach Flightless Birds 4-1 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They became Hellmouth III Cup champions by defeating the
Milwaukee Flamingos 4-3.
- They defeated the
- In Hellmouth III/Season 6 the Seattle Sneakers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the
Elko Astronauts .
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the
- In Hellmouth III/Season 7 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
Baltimore Texas II 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the
Sacramento Boot Lickers 1-4.
- They defeated the
- In Hellmouth III/Season 18 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They swept the
Sacramento Boot Lickers 3-0 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the
Phoenix Freshrolls 1-4.
- They swept the
- In Hellmouth III/Season 19 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the
Salt Lake Turbulence 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the
Elko Astronauts 4-1 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They became Hellmouth III Cup champions by defeating the
Fargo Flea Flickers 4-3.
- They defeated the
- In Hellmouth III/Season 20 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
San Diego Balloon Animals 1-3.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
- In Hellmouth III/Season 23 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
Phoenix Freshrolls 2-3.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the
Art
Logos
Seattle Sneakers team logo:
Cup Posters
Hellmouth Cup Teams |
Cold Fire Division | |
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Cold Water Division | ||
Hot Fire Division | ||
Hot Water Division |
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Toroidal Cup Teams |
Cold Fire Division |
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Cold Water Division |
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Hot Fire Division |
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Hot Water Division | ||
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Rainbow Cup Teams |
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Unwest League, South Division | ||
West League, Mountain Division | ||
West League, Pacific Division | ||
West League, Southwest Division | ||
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Klein Cup Teams |
Cold Fire Division | |
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Cold Water Division | ||
Hot Fire Division | ||
Hot Water Division | ||
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Hellmouth II Cup Teams |
Cold Fire Division | |
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Cold Water Division | ||
Hot Fire Division | ||
Hot Water Division | ||
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