Tucson Butchers
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The Tucson Butchers (The Butchers) are a Golly team from Tucson, Arizona. They fell instantly and deeply in love with the Milwaukee Flamingos in the Season 9 Hellmouth Cup, which led to the formation of the Midwest Love Triangle. The Tucson Butchers are married to the Milwaukee Flamingos.
Team Character
The Butchers are butchers who spend most of their day surrounded by flesh and blood. The butcher shop they run is rarely open, since they are usually playing Golly or spending time with their spouse, the Milwaukee Flamingos . The shop is famous for its wide selection of meats and sausages. There have been many mysterious occurrences in and around the shop: disappearing pets, unusual accidents with disappearing bodies, large pools of blood that occasionally form in the street, haunting moans emitted from beneath the building, and more. If you bring up these mysterious occurrences with the locals, they will laugh it off cheerfully, then tail you conspicuously until you leave town.
The Butchers are quiet and mysterious. They can occasionally be found coming and going from their shop at odd hours. Neighbors have reported seeing the Butchers carrying large, heavy objects in garbage bags out of their shop at odd hours on multiple occasions. When confronted about this behavior, the Butchers have responded that the bags are "for work" without elaborating further.
The Butchers are famous for their excellent and diverse taste in music. The Butchers were the first Golly team to drop a Mixtape, hosting a mixtape drop party. The Butchers mixtape became an instant success and began a tradition of Mixtapes and drop parties.
Butchers in the Hellmouth Cup
Season 9 Snowbird Series and Anti-Rivalry with Milwaukee Flamingos
In Season 9 the Milwaukee Flamingos and Tucson Butchers faced off in the Hellmouth Cup in a cup series that was nicknamed the "Snowbird Series," for the large number of snowbirds that flock from Milwaukee to Tucson for a warmer winter. Nearly instantaneously, the Flamingos and Butchers developed a hot, messy anti-rivalry that would become a powerful influence on both teams' personalities and history.
Season 10 Valentines Day Series and Continuing Anti-Rivalry with Flamingos
After establishing a hot, messy anti-rivalry in Season 9's Hellmouth Cup series, the Milwaukee Flamingos and Tucson Butchers had many unresolved storylines and tangled loose ends in their newly budding anti-rivalry. Working feverishly toward that end, both teams spent Season 10 with a singular focus on making it to the Hellmouth Cup. The two teams met in their second cup series on Valentine's Day, forever cementing them as the Lovers of Golly.
The Season 10 Hellmouth Cup series between the Tucson Butchers and Milwaukee Flamingos was nicknamed the "Valentine's Day Series" because it took place on Valentine's Day, because the red/pink color scheme, and because during the Season 9 Hellmouth Cup series, which also featured the Butchers vs the Flamingos, the two teams had developed an anti-rivalry and resolved to meet again in the Hellmouth Cup soon.
This Hellmouth Cup series forms the first X (Season 10, or X) of the Triple X.
Game 1 became notable because, in addition to setting a record for longest game, the Butchers and Flamingos spent most of Game 1 making out, causing most viewers to lose interest in the series altogether, and making Season 10 the least-watched postseason series in Golly history.
The Lovers Embrace
The Lovers Embrace is a nickname given to Game 1 of the Hellmouth Cup b5041ae0-f1a9-49bd-a8fa-79e9ffa00dee, when the Tucson Butchers and Milwaukee Flamingos were reunited after a season apart. The game set a record for the longest Hellmouth Cup series match in history (7,255 generations - see Records/Length/Hellmouth#Longest Postseason Games in Hellmouth Cup).
The game took place on the Underground Cave Complex map. The Tucson Butchers dominated the grid early, which freed them up to spend most of the rest of the match making out with the Milwaukee Flamingos. By the end of the match, most fans had left, and those that remained were booing the umpires; no one could understand why the umpires took so long to declare the match over.
The Flamingos' Flawless Dynasty
With their back-to-back victories in the Season 9 and Season 10 Hellmouth Cup series, the Flamingos established their franchise's first Flawless Dyansty and the second Flawless Dynasty in Golly history.
Midwest Love Triangle
While not, strictly speaking, a love triangle, more like a love motorcycle with a sidecar, fans took to calling the collective complicated relationships between the Flamingos, Grape Chews, and Butchers as the Midwest Love Triangle, starting after Season 10 of the Hellmouth Cup.
The Grape Chews became further frustrated from being rejected and ignored by the Flamingos; their performance tanked during the multiple seasons that followed the Season 10 Valentine's Day Series.
On several occasions, the Detroit Grape Chews made surprise visits to the Milwaukee Flamingos training facilities, only to discover that the Tucson Butchers were visiting, making things extremely awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. On several occasions, fistfights involving the Grape Chews, Butchers, Flamingos, and/or innocent bystanders took place in the street outside the Flamingos training facility.
The Flamingos eventually broke off all formal relations with the Grape Chews, although the Midwest Crown continued.
Butchers in the Toroidal Cup
The Championships the Butchers Gave Away
After the drama of the Grape Chews Blowing Their Last Chance, the drama continued in Toroidal/Season 17, as the Milwaukee Flamingos faced off with their anti-rivals the Tucson Butchers , and the lovers had a chance to spend some quality time together. The Flamingos eventually beat the Butchers to establish a Flawless Dynasty and the first multi-cup Dynasty in Golly history.
The championship victory drew significant criticism, with parallels being drawn to the Flamingos achieving a Flawless Dynasty with two wins over the Butchers in both the Hellmouth Cup and the Toroidal Cup.
The controversy over the Flamingos winning four of their six championships by beating their anti-rivals raised significant conflict of interest questions and eventually led the Commissioner's Office to open an investigation into the matter, shortly before the Flamingos won their Season 17 Toroidal Cup championship.
Secret Shotgun Marriage
Shortly after winning the Toroidal/Season 17 championship, with the Commissioner's Office bearing down on them with an investigation, the Milwaukee Flamingos absconded to Las Vegas with their lovers, the Tucson Butchers , whom they had just beaten to achieve a second Flawless Dynasty. They claimed that the trip was an attempt to avoid media attention.
However, with the opening of an investigation, the Flamingos faced the possible revocation of two Flawless Dyanasties, incineration, and worse - eternal humiliation. The Flamingos consulted the Jersey OSHA Violations legal team for advice.
The first and most important advice the Flamingos received from the Jersey OSHA Violations legal team was for the Milwaukee Flamingos and Tucson Butchers to immediately get married in a secret surprise Vegas shotgun wedding. Getting married would allow the two teams to claim spousal privilege during the investigation, significantly hindering its progress. However, the marriage was kept secret for fear of confirming everyone's suspicions about the Butchers throwing the championship for their lovers, the Flamingos.
Marriage Goes Public
In Toroidal/Season 19 the Commissioner's Office publicly disclosed the marriage of the Milwaukee Flamingos and Tucson Butchers in an attempt to gain control of the media narrative around the investigation. The result was widespread shock and dismay. Many people discussed whether it was a sign that the Commissioner of Golly was letting the entire splort unravel.
The Flamingos and Butchers seized on the media narrative of a lax Commissioner who was playing fast and loose with the rules, and waged a media war that pressured the Commissioner to shut down the investigation, which had been stymied by spousal privilege, lack of evidence, and a general sentiment that this was a whole lot of effort going into something that wasn't particularly important.
At the end of Toroidal/Season 20, the Commissioner's Office made several important announcements:
- Announcement of the formation of the Rainbow Cup, with teams from the Toroidal Cup league
- Announcement of the infamous Cancel Texas Memo in which the Commissioner doomed the Baltimore Texas to be incinerated, and punished the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners to take on the hometown and team colors of their bitter rivals, thus creating the Baltimore Piano Tuners
- Announcement of the end of the investigation of the Milwaukee Flamingos and sanctioning their marriage to the Tucson Butchers
In the wake of Toroidal/Season 20, historians and experts widely agree that the media war waged by the Flamingos, and their secret shotgun wedding legal strategy, was brilliantly executed and marked a significant erosion of the power of the Commissioner.
Butchers in the Rainbow Cup
Triple X
The Triple X is a set of three championship matches between the Tucson Butchers and the Milwaukee Flamingos (who were married in the Toroidal Cup after their involvement in the Midwest Love Triangle) that took place on Season 10 (or 11) of each of three respective cups (Hellmouth, Toroidal, Rainbow). They are:
- Hellmouth Cup: Season 10: Hellmouth Cup Series (also known as the Valentines Day Series); the Flamingos defeated the Butchers in 7 (4-3), coming from behind 0-3 to take the championship for the second time in two seasons. The Flamingos became the first-ever back-to-back champions in Golly.
- Toroidal Cup: Season 10: Toroidal Cup Series; the Flamingos defeated the Butchers in 6 (4-2), including a critical Game 4 shutout
- Rainbow Cup: Season 11: Rainbow Cup Series; the Butchers finished second, while the Flamingos finished third.
These three championship series form the Triple X.
The Triple X was formed at the conclusion of Rainbow/Season 11. The Butchers and Flamingos planned an elaborate ceremony for the announcement and sent invitation emails to everyone, but the Triple X in the subject line caused all of the emails to be flagged as Spam and discarded, so no one showed up.
Second Valentines Day Series
The Second Valentine's Day Series was the second Cup Series to take place on or around Valentine's Day, and the second time that the Tucson Butchers and Milwaukee Flamingos had met in a Cup Series on or around Valentine's Day.
The Butchers and Flamingos originally met in Season 9 of the Hellmouth Cup series, the (first) Valentines Day Series, whereupon they immediately fell deeply in love, creating the Midwest Love Triangle.
The Butchers and Flamingos met again in Rainbow/Season 19, the nearest Rainbow Cup series to Valentine's Day.
Season by Season Summary
Season-by-Season Summaries for Tucson Butchers .
Tucson Butchers in the Hellmouth Cup
{{HellmouthRankList SeasonAllTime Chron TB}}
- In Season 1 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the San Diego Balloon Animals 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the Long Beach Flightless Birds 2-3.
- In Season 2 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Elko Astronauts 1-3.
- In Season 3 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the San Diego Balloon Animals 2-3.
- In Season 5 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Baltimore Texas 1-3.
- In Season 7 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners 2-3.
- In Season 8 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the Baltimore Texas .
- In Season 9 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Jersey OSHA Violations 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by sweeping the Long Beach Flightless Birds 3-0 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They lost the Hellmouth Cup Series to the Milwaukee Flamingos , 1-4.
- In Season 10 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Elko Astronauts 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by sweeping the Long Beach Flightless Birds 3-0 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They lost the Hellmouth Cup Series to the Milwaukee Flamingos , 3-4.
- In Season 15 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners 2-3.
- In Season 20 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Long Beach Flightless Birds 1-3.
- In Season 23 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the Long Beach Flightless Birds 2-3.
- In Season 24 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They swept the Phoenix Freshrolls 3-0 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the Salt Lake Turbulence 1-3.
Tucson Butchers in the Toroidal Cup
{{ToroidalRankList SeasonAllTime Chron TB}}
- In Toroidal/Season 4 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Long Beach Flightless Birds 1-3.
- In Toroidal/Season 7 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They swept the Elko Astronauts 3-0 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the Salt Lake Turbulence 3-2 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They became Toroidal Cup champions by defeating the Sacramento Boot Lickers 4-3.
- In Toroidal/Season 8 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Salt Lake Turbulence 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners 3-2 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They became Toroidal Cup champions by defeating the Alewife Arsonists 4-1.
- In Toroidal/Season 10 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Elko Astronauts 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the Jersey OSHA Violations 3-1 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They lost the Toroidal Cup Series to the Milwaukee Flamingos , 2-4.
- In Toroidal/Season 16 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Long Beach Flightless Birds 2-3.
- In Toroidal/Season 17 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Phoenix Freshrolls 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the Baltimore Texas 3-2 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They lost the Toroidal Cup Series to the Milwaukee Flamingos , 2-4.
- In Toroidal/Season 19 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the San Diego Balloon Animals .
- In Toroidal/Season 22 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Baltimore Piano Tuners 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the San Diego Balloon Animals 2-3.
- In Toroidal/Season 23 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Salt Lake Turbulence 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the Long Beach Flightless Birds 3-2 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They lost the Toroidal Cup Series to the Albuquerque Solarpunks , 3-4.
- In Toroidal/Season 24 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Phoenix Freshrolls 2-3.
Tucson Butchers in the Rainbow Cup
{{RainbowRankList SeasonAllTime Chron TB}}
- In Rainbow/Season 6 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the West League.
- They were knocked out in the West League Championship Series by the Grand Junction Conjunctions and the Seattle Sneakers .
- In Rainbow/Season 11 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the West League.
- They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in second place behind the Vegas Vampires .
- They came in second in the Rainbow Cup Series, accumulating 52đ to finish 9đ behind the first-place Mobile Wheels .
- In Rainbow/Season 13 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the West League.
- They were knocked out in the West League Championship Series by the Sacramento Boot Lickers and the Vegas Vampires .
- In Rainbow/Season 14 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the West League.
- They were knocked out in the West League Championship Series by the Long Beach Flightless Birds and the Grand Junction Conjunctions .
- In Rainbow/Season 19 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the West League.
- They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in second place behind the Grand Junction Conjunctions .
- They came in second in the Rainbow Cup Series, accumulating 57đ to finish 6đ behind the first-place Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers .
- In Rainbow/Season 21 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the West League.
- They were knocked out in the West League Championship Series by the Salt Lake Turbulence and the Sacramento Boot Lickers .
- In Rainbow/Season 22 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the West League.
- They were knocked out in the West League Championship Series by the Grand Junction Conjunctions and the San Francisco Boat Shoes .
Tucson Butchers in the Klein Cup
{{KleinRankList SeasonAllTime Chron TB}}
- In Klein/Season 1 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the San Diego Balloon Animals 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the Seattle Sneakers 4-1 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They became Klein Cup champions by defeating the Milwaukee Flamingos 4-1.
- In Klein/Season 2 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the San Diego Balloon Animals 2-3.
- In Klein/Season 8 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They swept the Seattle Sneakers 3-0 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the Salt Lake Turbulence 4-2 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They lost the Klein Cup Series to the Jersey OSHA Violations , 1-4.
- In Klein/Season 13 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Albuquerque Solarpunks 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the Salt Lake Turbulence 3-4.
- In Klein/Season 17 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Seattle Sneakers 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the Baltimore Piano Tuners 4-2 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They swept the Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers 4-0 to became Klein Cup champions.
- In Klein/Season 21 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Seattle Sneakers 2-3.
- In Klein/Season 22 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Long Beach Flightless Birds 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the Sacramento Boot Lickers 4-2 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They swept the Delaware Corporate Shells 4-0 to became Klein Cup champions.
- In Klein/Season 23 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Baltimore Piano Tuners 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the Seattle Sneakers 1-4.
- In Klein/Season 24 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Baltimore Piano Tuners 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the Long Beach Flightless Birds 3-4.
Tucson Butchers in the Hellmouth II Cup
{{HellmouthIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron TB}}
- In Hellmouth II/Season 3 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Sacramento Boot Lickers 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the Baltimore Piano Tuners 1-4.
- In Hellmouth II/Season 4 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Baltimore Piano Tuners 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the San Diego Balloon Animals 4-3 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They swept the Jersey OSHA Violations 4-0 to became Hellmouth II Cup champions.
- In Hellmouth II/Season 6 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Sacramento Boot Lickers 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the Salt Lake Turbulence 4-3 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They swept the Jersey OSHA Violations 4-0 to became Hellmouth II Cup champions.
- In Hellmouth II/Season 10 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Albuquerque Solarpunks 1-3.
- In Hellmouth II/Season 11 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Baltimore Piano Tuners 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the Phoenix Freshrolls 4-2 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They lost the Hellmouth II Cup Series to the Boylston Boogers , 3-4.
- In Hellmouth II/Season 12 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Phoenix Freshrolls 1-3.
- In Hellmouth II/Season 13 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Albuquerque Solarpunks 2-3.
- In Hellmouth II/Season 14 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Long Beach Flightless Birds 1-3.
- In Hellmouth II/Season 17 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Seattle Sneakers 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the Long Beach Flightless Birds 4-1 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They became Hellmouth II Cup champions by defeating the San Francisco Boat Shoes 4-2.
- In Hellmouth II/Season 18 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the Seattle Sneakers .
- In Hellmouth II/Season 19 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Seattle Sneakers 2-3.
- In Hellmouth II/Season 22 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the San Diego Balloon Animals 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They were swept in the Cold League Championship Series by the Phoenix Freshrolls .
- In Hellmouth II/Season 24 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the Phoenix Freshrolls .
Tucson Butchers in the Hellmouth III Cup
{{HellmouthIIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron TB}}
- In Hellmouth III/Season 1 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Seattle Sneakers 2-3.
- In Hellmouth III/Season 4 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Sacramento Boot Lickers 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They clinched the pennant by defeating the Long Beach Flightless Birds 4-3 in the Cold League Championship Series.
- They lost the Hellmouth III Cup Series to the Delaware Corporate Shells , 2-4.
- In Hellmouth III/Season 5 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Sacramento Boot Lickers 1-3.
- In Hellmouth III/Season 8 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Phoenix Freshrolls 2-3.
- In Hellmouth III/Season 13 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Albuquerque Solarpunks 2-3.
- In Hellmouth III/Season 15 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
- They defeated the Sacramento Boot Lickers 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series.
- They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the Long Beach Flightless Birds 2-4.
- In Hellmouth III/Season 16 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
- They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Long Beach Flightless Birds 2-3.
- In Hellmouth III/Season 22 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
- They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the Salt Lake Turbulence .
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