Midwest Love Triangle

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Related: Midwest Crown

Related: Midwest II Crown

The Midwest Love Triangle is the nickname given to the complicated network of rivalries and anti-rivalries that connect the following teams:

Hellmouth Cup

Midwest Crown

The rivalry between the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews and the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos is a long and complicated one. Starting in Season 1 of the Hellmouth Cup, the rivalry was intense and white-hot; it was named as one of the three Crown Jewels of Golly rivalries. On-field fistfights during Grape Chews-Flamingos matches were more intense and resulted in far more injuries than fistfights between the Grape Chews and any other teams.

However, as the Hellmouth Cup progressed, the rivalry became much more one-way, with the Detroit Grape Chews building much of their team identity around the rivalry, but the Milwaukee Flamingos rapidly losing interest in the rivalry. The Flamingos cited a desire to establish their own identity as a benevolent flock of birds, and began to publicly distance themselves from the Grape Chews. (It is a well-known fact that Milwaukee Flamingos players have never gotten into a single fistfight outside of their matches with the Detroit Grape Chews.)

Snowbird Series

In Season 9 the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and TB.png Tucson Butchers faced off in the Hellmouth Cup in a cup series that was nicknamed the "Snowbird Series," for the large number of snowbirds that flock from Milwaukee to Tucson for a warmer winter. Nearly instantaneously, the Flamingos and Butchers developed a hot, messy anti-rivalry that would become a powerful influence on both teams' personalities and history.

Valentines Day Series

After establishing a hot, messy anti-rivalry in Season 9's Hellmouth Cup series, the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and TB.png Tucson Butchers had many unresolved storylines and tangled loose ends in their newly budding anti-rivalry. Working feverishly toward that end, both teams spent Season 10 with a singular focus on making it to the Hellmouth Cup. The two teams met in their second cup series on Valentine's Day, forever cementing them as the Lovers of Golly.

Initial configuration for "The Lovers Embrace," which set a record for the longest Golly match in history.
GollyLogoTransparent.png b5041ae0-f1a9-49bd-a8fa-79e9ffa00dee
"The Lovers Embrace" after 5,461 generations. Despite being the obvious losers the Milwaukee Flamingos kept teasing the Tucson Butchers for another 2,000 generations.
GollyLogoTransparent.png b5041ae0-f1a9-49bd-a8fa-79e9ffa00dee

The Season 10 Hellmouth Cup series between the TB.png Tucson Butchers and MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos was nicknamed the "Valentine's Day Series" because it took place on Valentine's Day, because the red/pink color scheme, and because during the Season 9 Hellmouth Cup series, which also featured the Butchers vs the Flamingos, the two teams had developed an anti-rivalry and resolved to meet again in the Hellmouth Cup soon.

This Hellmouth Cup series forms the first X (Season 10, or X) of the Triple X.

Game 1 became notable because, in addition to setting a record for longest game, the Butchers and Flamingos spent most of Game 1 making out, causing most viewers to lose interest in the series altogether, and making Season 10 the least-watched postseason series in Golly history.

The Lovers Embrace

The Lovers Embrace is a nickname given to Game 1 of the Hellmouth Cup GollyLogoTransparent.png b5041ae0-f1a9-49bd-a8fa-79e9ffa00dee, when the TB.png Tucson Butchers and MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos were reunited after a season apart. The game set a record for the longest Hellmouth Cup series match in history (7,255 generations - see Records/Length/Hellmouth#Longest Postseason Games in Hellmouth Cup).

The game took place on the Underground Cave Complex map. The Tucson Butchers dominated the grid early, which freed them up to spend most of the rest of the match making out with the Milwaukee Flamingos. By the end of the match, most fans had left, and those that remained were booing the umpires; no one could understand why the umpires took so long to declare the match over.

The Flamingos' Flawless Dynasty

With their back-to-back victories in the Season 9 and Season 10 Hellmouth Cup series, the Flamingos established their franchise's first Flawless Dyansty and the second Flawless Dynasty in Golly history.

Midwest Love Triangle Forms

While not, strictly speaking, a love triangle, more like a love motorcycle with a sidecar, fans took to calling the collective complicated relationships between the Flamingos, Grape Chews, and Butchers as the Midwest Love Triangle, starting after Season 10 of the Hellmouth Cup.

The Grape Chews became further frustrated from being rejected and ignored by the Flamingos; their performance tanked during the multiple seasons that followed the Season 10 Valentine's Day Series.

On several occasions, the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews made surprise visits to the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos training facilities, only to discover that the TB.png Tucson Butchers were visiting, making things extremely awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. On several occasions, fistfights involving the Grape Chews, Butchers, Flamingos, and/or innocent bystanders took place in the street outside the Flamingos training facility.

The Flamingos eventually broke off all formal relations with the Grape Chews, although the Midwest Crown continued.

Grape Chews on Valentines Day

The Season 9 and Season 10 Hellmouth Cup and the messy, complicated anti-rivalry between the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and TB.png Tucson Butchers is credited by many historians and psychoanalysts with being one of the principal causes that contributed to the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews becoming the Hot League Choke Artists and failing to make it to a final Cup series during their entire history.

The Grape Chews' inability to clinch a Hot League pennant and make it to a single cup game during their entire history was attributed to a combination of overperforming to show off for the Flamingos (which put them in the postseason often) and the tendency to choke in clutch situations, resulting in repeated postseason disappointment for the Grape Chews.

A public statement shortly after the Season 10 Hellmouth Cup by the TB.png Tucson Butchers (in response to a reporter's question about the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews ) said the Grape Chews were artificially-created globs of manufactured flavor, while Butchers and Flamingos were real, visceral flesh and blood. The Big Purple Machine nickname was never given to a Grape Chews team after Season 10, leading many to interpret the statement as marking the symbolic end of the Grape Chews' Big Purple Machine era.

Detroit Choke Artistry in the Hellmouth Cup

The DET.png Detroit Grape Chews earned the title of Hot League Choke Artists in the Hellmouth Cup. Despite consistently making a strong showing in the regular season and making appearances in the postseason, the Chews repeatedly choked in critical moments, earning them the Choke Artist nickname. The Chews continued to earn their reputation, and the nickname stuck - permanently. Throughout the course of the Hellmouth Cup, the Chews lost seven League Championship series, failing to clinch a pennant seven times:

(Note that this is only considering losses in the League Championship Series, and does not account for losses in the League Division Series.)

Toroidal Cup

The Dynasty Detroit Built

Over the course of the Toroidal Cup, the rivalry between the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and DET.png Detroit Grape Chews went from cool to icy. The Flamingos, who had already established a Flawless Dynasty in the Hellmouth Cup, established a second Flawless Dynasty, this one in the Toroidal Cup, in Toroidal/Season 17.

Milwaukee's Toroidal Cup Dynasty has been nicknamed "The Dynasty Detroit Built" as a result of the fact that all three of Milwaukee's Hot League pennant-clinching Championship Series wins were over Detroit. This cemented the Grape Chews' legacy as the Hot League Choke Artists, and gave the Milwaukee Flamingos a permanent moral high ground in the Midwest Crown rivalry.

Detroit Choke Artistry in the Toroidal Cup

The DET.png Detroit Grape Chews continued to live up to their title of Hot League Choke Artists in the Toroidal Cup. In addition to the 3 League Championship Series losses to the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos that formed the Dynasty Detroit Built (Toroidal/Season 2, Toroidal/Season 10, Toroidal/Season 17), the Grape Chews also lost League Championship Series to four other teams in that time, leading to seven failures to clinch a pennant:

(Note that this is only considering losses in the League Championship Series, and does not account for losses in the League Division Series.)

Grape Chews Blow Their Last Chance

In Toroidal/Season 17 the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews and MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos met in the Hot League Championship Series, while the TB.png Tucson Butchers faced the Cold League Choke Artists the BTX.png Baltimore Texas in the Cold League Championship Series, meaning the winner of the Hot League series would definitely face the Butchers - the third leg of the Midwest Love Triangle.

Prior to the Hot League Championship Series, the Flamingos made a deal with the Grape Chews. If the Grape Chews could win the Season 17 Hot League Championship Series, and then win the Toroidal Cup series against the Butchers, the Flamingos would agree to resurrect the Midwest Crown rivalry, abandon their romance with the Butchers, and go back to the way things were in the early seasons of the Hellmouth Cup to give things another shot. If the Grape Chews lost the series, or the Toroidal Cup series, the Flamingos and Grape Chews would mutually agree to close the book on the Midwest Crown and retire the rivalry forever.

The Grape Chews agreed. The Grape Chews and Flamingos tied up the series at 2 games apiece. And then, the Grape Chews choked in a critical Game 5.

In Game 5 ToroidalCup.png f69096d2-d073-4be2-8b7f-9f105667cbb4, arguably the most important and defining game of the entire Detroit Grape Chews franchise, the Grape Chews started off weak, and only got weaker, until they were completely overrun by the Flamingos. It was a characteristic choke under maximum pressure.

The Grape Chews would later repeatedly refer to this game as "The Breakup," including several attempts to bring up Game 5 out of nowhere when talking to the Flamingos and then casually dropping "The Breakup" nickname, but the Flamingos ignored the nickname, and the rest of the league followed suit and also ignored it.

The Championships the Butchers Gave Away

After the drama of the Grape Chews Blowing Their Last Chance, the drama continued in Toroidal/Season 17, as the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos faced off with their anti-rivals the TB.png Tucson Butchers , and the lovers had a chance to spend some quality time together. The Flamingos eventually beat the Butchers to establish a Flawless Dynasty and the first multi-cup Dynasty in Golly history.

The championship victory drew significant criticism, with parallels being drawn to the Flamingos achieving a Flawless Dynasty with two wins over the Butchers in both the Hellmouth Cup and the Toroidal Cup.

The controversy over the Flamingos winning four of their six championships by beating their anti-rivals raised significant conflict of interest questions and eventually led the Commissioner's Office to open an investigation into the matter, shortly before the Flamingos won their Season 17 Toroidal Cup championship.

Commissioners Office Opens Investigation

With the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos winning four of their six championships over their anti-rivals the TB.png Tucson Butchers , the Flamingos faced public scrutiny over their championship wins. The questions of conflict of interest reached such a clamor during Toroidal/Season 17 that the Commissioner's Office announced it would be opening an investigation into the matter.

Shortly after the investigation opened, and with the most awkward timing possible, the Flamingos won the Season 17 Toroidal Cup championship over the Butchers.

Flamingos-Butchers Secret Vegas Shotgun Wedding

Shortly after winning the Toroidal/Season 17 championship, with the Commissioner's Office bearing down on them with an investigation, the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos absconded to Las Vegas with their lovers, the TB.png Tucson Butchers , whom they had just beaten to achieve a second Flawless Dynasty. They claimed that the trip was an attempt to avoid media attention.

However, with the opening of an investigation, the Flamingos faced the possible revocation of two Flawless Dyanasties, incineration, and worse - eternal humiliation. The Flamingos consulted the OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations legal team for advice.

The first and most important advice the Flamingos received from the OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations legal team was for the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and TB.png Tucson Butchers to immediately get married in a secret surprise Vegas shotgun wedding. Getting married would allow the two teams to claim spousal privilege during the investigation, significantly hindering its progress. However, the marriage was kept secret for fear of confirming everyone's suspicions about the Butchers throwing the championship for their lovers, the Flamingos.

Marriage Goes Public

In Toroidal/Season 19 the Commissioner's Office publicly disclosed the marriage of the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and TB.png Tucson Butchers in an attempt to gain control of the media narrative around the investigation. The result was widespread shock and dismay. Many people discussed whether it was a sign that the Commissioner of Golly was letting the entire splort unravel.

The Flamingos and Butchers seized on the media narrative of a lax Commissioner who was playing fast and loose with the rules, and waged a media war that pressured the Commissioner to shut down the investigation, which had been stymied by spousal privilege, lack of evidence, and a general sentiment that this was a whole lot of effort going into something that wasn't particularly important.

At the end of Toroidal/Season 20, the Commissioner's Office made several important announcements:

In the wake of Toroidal/Season 20, historians and experts widely agree that the media war waged by the Flamingos, and their secret shotgun wedding legal strategy, was brilliantly executed and marked a significant erosion of the power of the Commissioner.

Chews To Be Or Not To Be

When the Commissioner released the Cancel Texas Memo and announced the incineration of the BTX.png Baltimore Texas , the Commissioner did not give the Texas a choice in the matter. However, the Commissioner did contact the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews to offer the possibility of being incinerated alongside their fellow Choke Artists, thus ending their humiliating, championship-appearance-free existence once and for all and the possibility of being reincarnated as a cursed expansion team, one day, many decades from now.

The offer came at a critical time for the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews . They had been humiliated in the League Championship Series of the Toroidal/Season 17, when they were forced to agree to disband the Midwest Crown following their loss. They had given up their third Hot League pennant to the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos , who went on to establish the Dynasty Detroit Built. And to top it off, they had just found out about the secret marriage of the Flamingos and Butchers, through a Commissioner's Office press release of all things.

The Grape Chews ultimately decided to stick their finger in fate's eye and continue their Sisyphean existence as the Hot League Choke Artists, abandoning themselves to a probable fate full of further failure and humiliation. But this time, they could do so knowing they were free of their old Milwaukee attachments, their old Milwaukee rivalries, their old deep feelings for Milwaukee that they could easily bottle up and bury, no problem, nope, none at all.

Quote from the Commissioner: "Let the record show, that the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews chose to continue to exist. Should further misery continue to befall them, they are now solely responsible for it."

Klein Cup

The Midwest Staredown

Main: The Midwest Staredown

The Midwest Staredown is the nickname for the Klein/Season 1 League Championship Series between the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews , specifically, Game 6, which lasted for 10,168 generations (KleinCup.png 96bc14a5-21eb-4ff1-bbd9-825d711debad). Although the Detroit Grape Chews won the staredown to even the series at 3-3, they ultimately choked in Game 7. The MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos advanced to the first Klein Cup and faced the TB.png Tucson Butchers , to whom they are married.

The Midwest Staredown did re-spark interest in the Midwest Crown, which had been on hiatus.

Detroit Choke Artistry in the Klein Cup

The DET.png Detroit Grape Chews continued to live up to their title of Hot League Choke Artists in the Klein Cup. In addition to blowing the League Championship Series twice each to the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos , DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells , and BB.png Boylston Boogers , they managed to best their own track record of choking, failing to clinch a pennant nine times:

(Note that this account is only losses in the League Championship Series, and does not account for losses in the League Division Series.)

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