Tucson Butchers

Tucson Butchers
"BONES FLESH TEETH"
Team Information
Name Tucson Butchers Abbreviation TB Primary Color #bb0000 Logo    Hometown Tucson Emoji 🥩 Status Active
Rivalry Crowns
None
Favorites
Mixtape Tucson🥩Butchers🥩
Divination
Motto
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The Tucson Butchers are a Golly team from Tucson, Arizona.

Butchers in the Hellmouth Cup

Season 9 Snowbird Series and Anti-Rivalry with Milwaukee Flamingos

In Season 9 the Milwaukee Flamingos and Tucson Butchers faced off in the Hellmouth Cup in a cup series that was nicknamed the "Snowbird Series," for the large number of snowbirds that flock from Milwaukee to Tucson for a warmer winter. Nearly instantaneously, the Flamingos and Butchers developed a hot, messy anti-rivalry that would become a powerful influence on both teams' personalities and history.

Season 10 Valentines Day Series and Continuing Anti-Rivalry with Flamingos

After establishing a hot, messy anti-rivalry in Season 9's Hellmouth Cup series, the Milwaukee Flamingos and Tucson Butchers had many unresolved storylines and tangled loose ends in their newly budding anti-rivalry. Working feverishly toward that end, both teams spent Season 10 with a singular focus on making it to the Hellmouth Cup. The two teams met in their second cup series on Valentine's Day, forever cementing them as the Lovers of Golly.

Initial configuration for "The Lovers Embrace," which set a record for the longest Golly match in history.
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"The Lovers Embrace" after 5,461 generations. Despite being the obvious losers the Milwaukee Flamingos kept teasing the Tucson Butchers for another 2,000 generations.
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The Season 10 Hellmouth Cup series between the Tucson Butchers and Milwaukee Flamingos was nicknamed the "Valentine's Day Series" because it took place on Valentine's Day, because the red/pink color scheme, and because during the Season 9 Hellmouth Cup series, which also featured the Butchers vs the Flamingos, the two teams had developed an anti-rivalry and resolved to meet again in the Hellmouth Cup soon.

This Hellmouth Cup series forms the first X (Season 10, or X) of the Triple X.

Game 1 became notable because, in addition to setting a record for longest game, the Butchers and Flamingos spent most of Game 1 making out, causing most viewers to lose interest in the series altogether, and making Season 10 the least-watched postseason series in Golly history.

The Lovers Embrace

The Lovers Embrace is a nickname given to Game 1 of the Hellmouth Cup b5041ae0-f1a9-49bd-a8fa-79e9ffa00dee, when the Tucson Butchers and Milwaukee Flamingos were reunited after a season apart. The game set a record for the longest Hellmouth Cup series match in history (7,255 generations - see Records/Length/Hellmouth#Longest Postseason Games in Hellmouth Cup).

The game took place on the Underground Cave Complex map. The Tucson Butchers dominated the grid early, which freed them up to spend most of the rest of the match making out with the Milwaukee Flamingos. By the end of the match, most fans had left, and those that remained were booing the umpires; no one could understand why the umpires took so long to declare the match over.

The Flamingos' Flawless Dynasty

With their back-to-back victories in the Season 9 and Season 10 Hellmouth Cup series, the Flamingos established their franchise's first Flawless Dyansty and the second Flawless Dynasty in Golly history.

Midwest Love Triangle

While not, strictly speaking, a love triangle, more like a love motorcycle with a sidecar, fans took to calling the collective complicated relationships between the Flamingos, Grape Chews, and Butchers as the Midwest Love Triangle, starting after Season 10 of the Hellmouth Cup.

The Grape Chews became further frustrated from being rejected and ignored by the Flamingos; their performance tanked during the multiple seasons that followed the Season 10 Valentine's Day Series.

On several occasions, the Detroit Grape Chews made surprise visits to the Milwaukee Flamingos training facilities, only to discover that the Tucson Butchers were visiting, making things extremely awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. On several occasions, fistfights involving the Grape Chews, Butchers, Flamingos, and/or innocent bystanders took place in the street outside the Flamingos training facility.

The Flamingos eventually broke off all formal relations with the Grape Chews, although the Midwest Crown continued.

Butchers in the Toroidal Cup

The Championships the Butchers Gave Away

After the drama of the Grape Chews Blowing Their Last Chance, the drama continued in Toroidal/Season 17, as the Milwaukee Flamingos faced off with their anti-rivals the Tucson Butchers , and the lovers had a chance to spend some quality time together. The Flamingos eventually beat the Butchers to establish a Flawless Dynasty and the first multi-cup Dynasty in Golly history.

The championship victory drew significant criticism, with parallels being drawn to the Flamingos achieving a Flawless Dynasty with two wins over the Butchers in both the Hellmouth Cup and the Toroidal Cup.

The controversy over the Flamingos winning four of their six championships by beating their anti-rivals raised significant conflict of interest questions and eventually led the Commissioner's Office to open an investigation into the matter, shortly before the Flamingos won their Season 17 Toroidal Cup championship.

Secret Shotgun Marriage

Shortly after winning the Toroidal/Season 17 championship, with the Commissioner's Office bearing down on them with an investigation, the Milwaukee Flamingos absconded to Las Vegas with their lovers, the Tucson Butchers , whom they had just beaten to achieve a second Flawless Dynasty. They claimed that the trip was an attempt to avoid media attention.

However, with the opening of an investigation, the Flamingos faced the possible revocation of two Flawless Dyanasties, incineration, and worse - eternal humiliation. The Flamingos consulted the Jersey OSHA Violations legal team for advice.

The first and most important advice the Flamingos received from the Jersey OSHA Violations legal team was for the Milwaukee Flamingos and Tucson Butchers to immediately get married in a secret surprise Vegas shotgun wedding. Getting married would allow the two teams to claim spousal privilege during the investigation, significantly hindering its progress. However, the marriage was kept secret for fear of confirming everyone's suspicions about the Butchers throwing the championship for their lovers, the Flamingos.

Marriage Goes Public

In Toroidal/Season 19 the Commissioner's Office publicly disclosed the marriage of the Milwaukee Flamingos and Tucson Butchers in an attempt to gain control of the media narrative around the investigation. The result was widespread shock and dismay. Many people discussed whether it was a sign that the Commissioner of Golly was letting the entire splort unravel.

The Flamingos and Butchers seized on the media narrative of a lax Commissioner who was playing fast and loose with the rules, and waged a media war that pressured the Commissioner to shut down the investigation, which had been stymied by spousal privilege, lack of evidence, and a general sentiment that this was a whole lot of effort going into something that wasn't particularly important.

At the end of Toroidal/Season 20, the Commissioner's Office made several important announcements:

• Announcement of the formation of the Rainbow Cup, with teams from the Toroidal Cup league
• Announcement of the infamous Cancel Texas Memo in which the Commissioner doomed the Baltimore Texas to be incinerated, and punished the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners to take on the hometown and team colors of their bitter rivals, thus creating the Baltimore Piano Tuners
• Announcement of the end of the investigation of the Milwaukee Flamingos and sanctioning their marriage to the Tucson Butchers

In the wake of Toroidal/Season 20, historians and experts widely agree that the media war waged by the Flamingos, and their secret shotgun wedding legal strategy, was brilliantly executed and marked a significant erosion of the power of the Commissioner.

Season by Season Summary

Hellmouth Cup Summary

• In Season 1 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League. They defeated the San Diego Balloon Animals 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series. They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the Long Beach Flightless Birds 2-3.
• In Season 2 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League. They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Elko Astronauts 1-3.
• In Season 3 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League. They lost the Cold League Division Series to the San Diego Balloon Animals 2-3.
• In Season 5 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League. They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Baltimore Texas 1-3.
• In Season 7 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League. They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners 2-3.
• In Season 8 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League. They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the Baltimore Texas .
• In Season 9 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League. They defeated the Jersey OSHA Violations 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series. They clinched the pennant by sweeping the Long Beach Flightless Birds 3-0 in the Cold League Championship Series. They lost the Hellmouth Cup Series to the Milwaukee Flamingos , 1-4.
• In Season 10 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League. They defeated the Elko Astronauts 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series. They clinched the pennant by sweeping the Long Beach Flightless Birds 3-0 in the Cold League Championship Series. They lost the Hellmouth Cup Series to the Milwaukee Flamingos , 3-4.
• In Season 15 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League. They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners 2-3.
• In Season 20 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League. They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Long Beach Flightless Birds 1-3.
• In Season 23 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League. They defeated the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series. They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the Long Beach Flightless Birds 2-3.
• In Season 24 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League. They swept the Phoenix Freshrolls 3-0 in the Cold League Division Series. They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the Salt Lake Turbulence 1-3.

Toroidal Cup Summary

• In Toroidal/Season 4 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League. They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Long Beach Flightless Birds 1-3.
• In Toroidal/Season 7 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League. They swept the Elko Astronauts 3-0 in the Cold League Division Series. They clinched the pennant by defeating the Salt Lake Turbulence 3-2 in the Cold League Championship Series. They became Toroidal Cup champions by defeating the Sacramento Boot Lickers 4-3.
• In Toroidal/Season 8 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League. They defeated the Salt Lake Turbulence 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series. They clinched the pennant by defeating the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners 3-2 in the Cold League Championship Series. They became Toroidal Cup champions by defeating the Alewife Arsonists 4-1.
• In Toroidal/Season 10 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League. They defeated the Elko Astronauts 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series. They clinched the pennant by defeating the Jersey OSHA Violations 3-1 in the Cold League Championship Series. They lost the Toroidal Cup Series to the Milwaukee Flamingos , 2-4.
• In Toroidal/Season 16 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League. They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Long Beach Flightless Birds 2-3.
• In Toroidal/Season 17 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League. They defeated the Phoenix Freshrolls 3-1 in the Cold League Division Series. They clinched the pennant by defeating the Baltimore Texas 3-2 in the Cold League Championship Series. They lost the Toroidal Cup Series to the Milwaukee Flamingos , 2-4.
• In Toroidal/Season 19 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League. They were swept in the Cold League Division Series by the San Diego Balloon Animals .
• In Toroidal/Season 22 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League. They defeated the Baltimore Piano Tuners 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series. They lost the Cold League Championship Series to the San Diego Balloon Animals 2-3.
• In Toroidal/Season 23 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League. They defeated the Salt Lake Turbulence 3-2 in the Cold League Division Series. They clinched the pennant by defeating the Long Beach Flightless Birds 3-2 in the Cold League Championship Series. They lost the Toroidal Cup Series to the Albuquerque Solarpunks , 3-4.
• In Toroidal/Season 24 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League. They lost the Cold League Division Series to the Phoenix Freshrolls 2-3.

Art

Cup Posters