Detroit Grape Chews

Detroit Grape Chews
"Chews loudly!"
Team Information
Name Detroit Grape Chews Abbreviation DET Nickname Masters of Choke Primary Color #9963ab Logo    Hometown Detroit Emoji 🍬 Status Active
Rivalry Crowns
None
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Motto
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The Detroit Grape Chews are a Golly team from Detroit, Michigan. Early in the team's history the Grape Chews were famous for their rivalry with the Milwaukee Flamingos , dubbed the Midwest Crown, but eventually they became famous as the Hot League Choke Artists due to the fact that they have never clinched a pennant or appeared in a Cup series. (The Baltimore Texas were famous as the Cold League Choke Artists).

Team Character

The Detroit Grape Chews have thin skin and have a well-known propensity to start fistfights with strangers or settle arguments with fists. In fact fans of opposing teams will often taunt the Grape Chews on the grid in order to rile up the players, who will then start fistfights on the grid with other players.

Grape Chews are very insecure and have fragile egos. Their inability to perform in high-pressure postseason games is a negative feedback loop: each time they fail to deliver in the postseason, it increases the expectations and pressure for the next appearance. Mounting pressure leads to anxiety and poor performance, which causes them to choke and lose matches, and so the cycle continues.

The arcana of the Grape Chews is the Blasted Tower - the symbol of ambition constructed on faulty premises.

Grape Chews in the Hellmouth Cup

The Big Purple Machine

The Grape Chews had no problems getting to the postseason - they were in the postseason for the first 7 seasons of the Hellmouth Cup. Their consistency in powering through other teams during the regular season earned the team the nickname "Big Purple Machine" - but as season after season went by, and the Grape Chews lost series after series, the "Big Purple Machine" nickname fell out of general use in favor of the more pithy and fitting nickname, "Choke Artists".

Midwest Crown and Rivalry with Milwaukee Flamingos

Main: Midwest Crown

The rivalry between the Detroit Grape Chews and the Milwaukee Flamingos is a long and complicated one. Starting in Season 1 of the Hellmouth Cup, the rivalry was intense and white-hot; it was named as one of the three Crown Jewels of Golly rivalries. On-field fistfights during Grape Chews-Flamingos matches were more intense and resulted in far more injuries than fistfights between the Grape Chews and any other teams.

However, as the Hellmouth Cup progressed, the rivalry became much more one-way, with the Detroit Grape Chews building much of their team identity around the rivalry, but the Milwaukee Flamingos rapidly losing interest in the rivalry. The Flamingos cited a desire to establish their own identity as a benevolent flock of birds, and began to publicly distance themselves from the Grape Chews. (It is a well-known fact that Milwaukee Flamingos players have never gotten into a single fistfight outside of their matches with the Detroit Grape Chews.)

Valentines Day Series and Butchers-Flamingos Anti-Rivalry

After establishing a hot, messy anti-rivalry in Season 9's Hellmouth Cup series, the Milwaukee Flamingos and Tucson Butchers had many unresolved storylines and tangled loose ends in their newly budding anti-rivalry. Working feverishly toward that end, both teams spent Season 10 with a singular focus on making it to the Hellmouth Cup. The two teams met in their second cup series on Valentine's Day, forever cementing them as the Lovers of Golly.

Initial configuration for "The Lovers Embrace," which set a record for the longest Golly match in history.
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"The Lovers Embrace" after 5,461 generations. Despite being the obvious losers the Milwaukee Flamingos kept teasing the Tucson Butchers for another 2,000 generations.
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The Season 10 Hellmouth Cup series between the Tucson Butchers and Milwaukee Flamingos was nicknamed the "Valentine's Day Series" because it took place on Valentine's Day, because the red/pink color scheme, and because during the Season 9 Hellmouth Cup series, which also featured the Butchers vs the Flamingos, the two teams had developed an anti-rivalry and resolved to meet again in the Hellmouth Cup soon.

This Hellmouth Cup series forms the first X (Season 10, or X) of the Triple X.

Game 1 became notable because, in addition to setting a record for longest game, the Butchers and Flamingos spent most of Game 1 making out, causing most viewers to lose interest in the series altogether, and making Season 10 the least-watched postseason series in Golly history.

The Lovers Embrace

The Lovers Embrace is a nickname given to Game 1 of the Hellmouth Cup b5041ae0-f1a9-49bd-a8fa-79e9ffa00dee, when the Tucson Butchers and Milwaukee Flamingos were reunited after a season apart. The game set a record for the longest Hellmouth Cup series match in history (7,255 generations - see Records/Length/Hellmouth#Longest Postseason Games in Hellmouth Cup).

The game took place on the Underground Cave Complex map. The Tucson Butchers dominated the grid early, which freed them up to spend most of the rest of the match making out with the Milwaukee Flamingos. By the end of the match, most fans had left, and those that remained were booing the umpires; no one could understand why the umpires took so long to declare the match over.

The Flamingos' Flawless Dynasty

With their back-to-back victories in the Season 9 and Season 10 Hellmouth Cup series, the Flamingos established their franchise's first Flawless Dyansty and the second Flawless Dynasty in Golly history.

Effect of Valentines Day Series on Rivalry with Milwaukee Flamingos

Main: Midwest Love Triangle

The Season 9 and Season 10 Hellmouth Cup and the messy, complicated anti-rivalry between the Milwaukee Flamingos and Tucson Butchers is credited by many historians and psychoanalysts with being one of the principal causes that contributed to the Detroit Grape Chews becoming the Hot League Choke Artists and failing to make it to a final Cup series during their entire history.

The Grape Chews' inability to clinch a Hot League pennant and make it to a single cup game during their entire history was attributed to a combination of overperforming to show off for the Flamingos (which put them in the postseason often) and the tendency to choke in clutch situations, resulting in repeated postseason disappointment for the Grape Chews.

A public statement shortly after the Season 10 Hellmouth Cup by the Tucson Butchers (in response to a reporter's question about the Detroit Grape Chews ) said the Grape Chews were artificially-created globs of manufactured flavor, while Butchers and Flamingos were real, visceral flesh and blood. The Big Purple Machine nickname was never given to a Grape Chews team after Season 10, leading many to interpret the statement as marking the symbolic end of the Grape Chews' Big Purple Machine era.

Midwest Love Triangle

While not, strictly speaking, a love triangle, more like a love motorcycle with a sidecar, fans took to calling the collective complicated relationships between the Flamingos, Grape Chews, and Butchers as the Midwest Love Triangle, starting after Season 10 of the Hellmouth Cup.

The Grape Chews became further frustrated from being rejected and ignored by the Flamingos; their performance tanked during the multiple seasons that followed the Season 10 Valentine's Day Series.

On several occasions, the Detroit Grape Chews made surprise visits to the Milwaukee Flamingos training facilities, only to discover that the Tucson Butchers were visiting, making things extremely awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. On several occasions, fistfights involving the Grape Chews, Butchers, Flamingos, and/or innocent bystanders took place in the street outside the Flamingos training facility.

The Flamingos eventually broke off all formal relations with the Grape Chews, although the Midwest Crown continued.

Grape Chews in the Toroidal Cup

The Dynasty Detroit Built

Over the course of the Toroidal Cup, the rivalry between the Milwaukee Flamingos and Detroit Grape Chews went from cool to icy. The Flamingos, who had already established a Flawless Dynasty in the Hellmouth Cup, established a second Flawless Dynasty, this one in the Toroidal Cup, in Toroidal/Season 17.

Milwaukee's Toroidal Cup Dynasty has been nicknamed "The Dynasty Detroit Built" as a result of the fact that all three of Milwaukee's Hot League pennant-clinching Championship Series wins were over Detroit. This cemented the Grape Chews' legacy as the Hot League Choke Artists, and gave the Milwaukee Flamingos a permanent moral high ground in the Midwest Crown rivalry.

Detroit Grape Chews vs. Milwaukee Flamingos
Toroidal Cup Postseason Meetings
Season	Postseason Wins	Postseason Points	Postseason Crown Winner
S2	2 - 3	756 - 772	Milwaukee Flamingos
S10	1 - 3	482 - 711	Milwaukee Flamingos
S16	1 - 3	377 - 558	Milwaukee Flamingos
S17	2 - 3	651 - 820	Milwaukee Flamingos

Psychoanalysis of Choke Artist Status

The Detroit Grape Chews continued to live up to their title of Hot League Choke Artists in the Toroidal Cup. The 3 League Championship Series losses to the Milwaukee Flamingos formed the Dynasty Detroit Built (Toroidal/Season 2, Toroidal/Season 10, Toroidal/Season 17).

Overall, the Chews choked in the League Division Series three (3) times:

• Sacramento Boot Lickers (Toroidal/Season 9 LDS), lost in 3
• Milwaukee Flamingos (Toroidal/Season 16 LDS), lost in 4
• Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers (Toroidal/Season 18 LDS), lost in 5

Overall, the Chews choked in the League Championship Series nine (9) times:

• Milwaukee Flamingos (Toroidal/Season 2 LCS), lost in 5
• Boylston Boogers (Toroidal/Season 4 LCS), lost in 5
• Milwaukee Flamingos (Toroidal/Season 10 LCS), lost in 4
• Orlando Business Majors (Toroidal/Season 12 LCS), lost in 5
• Sacramento Boot Lickers (Toroidal/Season 15 LCS), lost in 5
• Milwaukee Flamingos (Toroidal/Season 17 LCS), lost in 5
• Albuquerque Solarpunks (Toroidal/Season 19 LCS), swept in 3
• Sacramento Boot Lickers (Toroidal/Season 21 LCS), lost in 5
• Albuquerque Solarpunks (Toroidal/Season 23 LCS), lost in 5

Grape Chews Blow Their Last Chance

In Toroidal/Season 17 the Detroit Grape Chews and Milwaukee Flamingos met in the Hot League Championship Series, while the Tucson Butchers faced the Cold League Choke Artists the Baltimore Texas in the Cold League Championship Series - a special Double Choke scenario that meant the winner of the Hot League series would surely face the Butchers - the third leg of the Midwest Love Triangle.

Prior to the Hot League Championship Series, the Flamingos made a deal with the Grape Chews. If the Grape Chews could win the Season 17 Hot League Championship Series, and then win the Toroidal Cup series against the Butchers, the Flamingos would agree to resurrect the Midwest Crown rivalry, abandon their romance with the Butchers, and go back to the way things were in the early seasons of the Hellmouth Cup to give things another shot. If the Grape Chews lost the series, or the Toroidal Cup series, the Flamingos and Grape Chews would mutually agree to close the book on the Midwest Crown and retire the rivalry forever.

The Grape Chews agreed. The Grape Chews and Flamingos tied up the series at 2 games apiece. And then, the Grape Chews choked in a critical Game 5.

In Game 5 f69096d2-d073-4be2-8b7f-9f105667cbb4, arguably the most important and defining game of the entire Detroit Grape Chews franchise, the Grape Chews started off weak, and only got weaker, until they were completely overrun by the Flamingos. It was a characteristic choke under maximum pressure.

The Grape Chews would later refer to this game as "The Breakup," including repeated attempts to bring up Game 5 out of nowhere in conversation and refer to it as "The Breakup," but everyone else in the league considered this self-gloss to be poor form, and ignored it.

Flamingos-Butchers Secret Shotgun Vegas Wedding

Shortly after winning the Toroidal/Season 17 championship, with the Commissioner's Office bearing down on them with an investigation, the Milwaukee Flamingos absconded to Las Vegas with their lovers, the Tucson Butchers , whom they had just beaten to achieve a second Flawless Dynasty. They claimed that the trip was an attempt to avoid media attention.

However, with the opening of an investigation, the Flamingos faced the possible revocation of two Flawless Dyanasties, incineration, and worse - eternal humiliation. The Flamingos consulted the Jersey OSHA Violations legal team for advice.

The first and most important advice the Flamingos received from the Jersey OSHA Violations legal team was for the Milwaukee Flamingos and Tucson Butchers to immediately get married in a secret surprise Vegas shotgun wedding. Getting married would allow the two teams to claim spousal privilege during the investigation, significantly hindering its progress. However, the marriage was kept secret for fear of confirming everyone's suspicions about the Butchers throwing the championship for their lovers, the Flamingos.

Chews To Be or Not To Be

When the Commissioner released the Cancel Texas Memo and announced the incineration of the Baltimore Texas , the Commissioner did not give the Texas a choice in the matter. However, the Commissioner did contact the Detroit Grape Chews to offer the possibility of being incinerated alongside their fellow Choke Artists, thus ending their humiliating, championship-appearance-free existence once and for all and the possibility of being reincarnated as a cursed expansion team, one day, many decades from now.

The offer came at a critical time for the Detroit Grape Chews . They had been humiliated in the League Championship Series of the Toroidal/Season 17, when they were forced to agree to disband the Midwest Crown following their loss. They had given up their third Hot League pennant to the Milwaukee Flamingos , who went on to establish the Dynasty Detroit Built. And to top it off, they had just found out about the secret marriage of the Flamingos and Butchers, through a Commissioner's Office press release of all things.

The Grape Chews ultimately decided to stick their finger in fate's eye and continue their Sisyphean existence as the Hot League Choke Artists, abandoning themselves to a probable fate full of further failure and humiliation. But this time, they could do so knowing they were free of their old Milwaukee attachments, their old Milwaukee rivalries, their old deep feelings for Milwaukee that they could easily bottle up and bury, no problem, nope, none at all.

Quote from the Commissioner: "Let the record show, that the Detroit Grape Chews chose to continue to exist. Should further misery continue to befall them, they are now solely responsible for it."

Grape Chews in the Rainbow Cup

Rivalry with Fargo Flea Flickers

(TBD)

Season by Season Summary

The Grape Chews are an original Golly team and joined the Hellmouth Cup in Season 1.

Hellmouth Cup Summary

A brief season-by-season summary:

• In Season 1 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #2 seed in the Hot League. They defeated the Delaware Corporate Shells 3-2 in the Hot League Division Series. They lost the Hot League Championship Series to the San Francisco Boat Shoes 2-3.
• In Season 2 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #3 seed in the Hot League. They were swept in the Hot League Division Series by the Orlando Business Majors .
• In Season 3 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #1 seed in the Hot League. They defeated the Orlando Business Majors 3-2 in the Hot League Division Series. They lost the Hot League Championship Series to the San Francisco Boat Shoes 1-3.
• In Season 4 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #2 seed in the Hot League. They defeated the Orlando Business Majors 3-1 in the Hot League Division Series. They lost the Hot League Championship Series to the Sacramento Boot Lickers 2-3.
• In Season 5 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #4 seed in the Hot League. They lost the Hot League Division Series to the Milwaukee Flamingos 2-3.
• In Season 6 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #1 seed in the Hot League. They lost the Hot League Division Series to the Alewife Arsonists 1-3.
• In Season 8 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #1 seed in the Hot League. They defeated the Milwaukee Flamingos 3-2 in the Hot League Division Series. They were swept in the Hot League Championship Series by the Alewife Arsonists .
• In Season 9 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #1 seed in the Hot League. They lost the Hot League Division Series to the Orlando Business Majors 1-3.
• In Season 11 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #4 seed in the Hot League. They defeated the Atlanta Glitter Sharks 3-1 in the Hot League Division Series. They lost the Hot League Championship Series to the Alewife Arsonists 1-3.
• In Season 14 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #3 seed in the Hot League. They lost the Hot League Division Series to the Sacramento Boot Lickers 2-3.
• In Season 15 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #4 seed in the Hot League. They defeated the Milwaukee Flamingos 3-2 in the Hot League Division Series. They lost the Hot League Championship Series to the Delaware Corporate Shells 1-3.
• In Season 19 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #3 seed in the Hot League. They swept the Sacramento Boot Lickers 3-0 in the Hot League Division Series. They lost the Hot League Championship Series to the Alewife Arsonists 2-3.
• In Season 20 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #3 seed in the Hot League. They were swept in the Hot League Division Series by the San Francisco Boat Shoes .
• In Season 21 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #2 seed in the Hot League. They lost the Hot League Division Series to the Sacramento Boot Lickers 2-3.
• In Season 22 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #3 seed in the Hot League. They lost the Hot League Division Series to the Boylston Boogers 2-3.
• In Season 24 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #2 seed in the Hot League. They were swept in the Hot League Division Series by the Boylston Boogers .

Toroidal Cup Summary

• In Toroidal/Season 2 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #3 seed in the Hot League. They defeated the Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers 3-1 in the Hot League Division Series. They lost the Hot League Championship Series to the Milwaukee Flamingos 2-3.
• In Toroidal/Season 4 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #3 seed in the Hot League. They defeated the Delaware Corporate Shells 3-2 in the Hot League Division Series. They lost the Hot League Championship Series to the Boylston Boogers 2-3.
• In Toroidal/Season 9 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #2 seed in the Hot League. They were swept in the Hot League Division Series by the Sacramento Boot Lickers .
• In Toroidal/Season 10 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #3 seed in the Hot League. They defeated the Boylston Boogers 3-1 in the Hot League Division Series. They lost the Hot League Championship Series to the Milwaukee Flamingos 1-3.
• In Toroidal/Season 12 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #4 seed in the Hot League. They defeated the Delaware Corporate Shells 3-1 in the Hot League Division Series. They lost the Hot League Championship Series to the Orlando Business Majors 2-3.
• In Toroidal/Season 15 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #4 seed in the Hot League. They defeated the Boylston Boogers 3-1 in the Hot League Division Series. They lost the Hot League Championship Series to the Sacramento Boot Lickers 2-3.
• In Toroidal/Season 16 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #4 seed in the Hot League. They lost the Hot League Division Series to the Milwaukee Flamingos 1-3.
• In Toroidal/Season 17 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #3 seed in the Hot League. They swept the Orlando Business Majors 3-0 in the Hot League Division Series. They lost the Hot League Championship Series to the Milwaukee Flamingos 2-3.
• In Toroidal/Season 18 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #3 seed in the Hot League. They lost the Hot League Division Series to the Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers 2-3.
• In Toroidal/Season 19 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #3 seed in the Hot League. They swept the Orlando Business Majors 3-0 in the Hot League Division Series. They were swept in the Hot League Championship Series by the Albuquerque Solarpunks .
• In Toroidal/Season 21 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #3 seed in the Hot League. They defeated the Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers 3-1 in the Hot League Division Series. They lost the Hot League Championship Series to the Sacramento Boot Lickers 2-3.
• In Toroidal/Season 23 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #1 seed in the Hot League. They defeated the Vegas Vampires 3-2 in the Hot League Division Series. They lost the Hot League Championship Series to the Albuquerque Solarpunks 2-3.

Rainbow Cup Summary

• In Rainbow/Season 2 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #1 seed in the Unwest League. They were knocked out in the Unwest League Championship Series by the Jersey OSHA Violations and the Louisville Illusionists .
• In Rainbow/Season 3 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #2 seed in the Unwest League. They were knocked out in the Unwest League Championship Series by the Fargo Flea Flickers and the Louisville Illusionists .
• In Rainbow/Season 4 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #2 seed in the Unwest League. They were knocked out in the Unwest League Championship Series by the Orlando Business Majors and the Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers .
• In Rainbow/Season 9 the Detroit Grape Chews were the #1 seed in the Unwest League. They were knocked out in the Unwest League Championship Series by the Alewife Arsonists and the Milwaukee Flamingos .