Difference between revisions of "Elko Astronauts"

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==History==
 
==History==
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===The Shadow of Elko===
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{{HellmouthIIShadowOfElkoFragment}}
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===The Shadow of Elko Descends Again===
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{{HellmouthIIShadowDescendsAgainFragment}}
  
 
==Elko in the Hellmouth II Cup==
 
==Elko in the Hellmouth II Cup==

Latest revision as of 18:19, 28 November 2025

Elko Astronauts
Elko Astronauts logo
"Where the f--k are we?"
Team Information
Name Elko Astronauts
Abbreviation EA
Nickname The Stros
Primary Color #a0e7e5
Secondary Color #283a3a
Logo  EA.png 
Hometown Elko
Emoji 🛰
Status Active
Rivalry Crowns
Favorites
Mixtape Elko🛰Astronauts🛰
Integer 1,000,000,007
Movie Alien (Director's Cut)
Divination
Element Air
Power Word Outerspace
Card J♣
Motto

Ad astra per aspera

(To the stars through difficulties)
 
Template:Infobox team   •   edit
 

The EA.png Elko Astronauts are a Golly team from Elko, Nevada. They joined the Hellmouth Cup in Season 1.

The Elko Astronauts are, to put it mildly, a weird bunch. Living in the desert has baked the common sense out of them. They spend much of their time staring up into the sky - directly into the sun, if it is daytime, or into the moon if nighttime. They also spend a significant amount of time staring at the ground.

Most Astronauts will not respond to traditional human methods of gaining attention and initiating conversation. Those who have successfully communicated with Astronauts in the past recommend tin foil and peanuts.

Astronauts are easily frightened by bright lights and loud noises, and visiting stadiums will make special accommodations for Astronauts when they come to town for matches.

Hellmouth Cup

History

Elko in the Hellmouth Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

HellmouthSeasonsQuantileGraph EA.png

Summary

{{HellmouthRankList SeasonAllTime Chron EA}}

  • In Season 1 the Elko Astronauts did not reach the postseason.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 2 the Elko Astronauts were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 3 the Elko Astronauts were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 5 the Elko Astronauts were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 6 the Elko Astronauts were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 8 the Elko Astronauts did not reach the postseason.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 9 the Elko Astronauts were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 10 the Elko Astronauts were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 11 the Elko Astronauts were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 12 the Elko Astronauts did not reach the postseason.
    • They were the first Cold League team to be eliminated from the postseason (Partytime) on day 44.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 13 the Elko Astronauts were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 14 the Elko Astronauts were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 16 the Elko Astronauts were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 22 the Elko Astronauts did not reach the postseason.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.


Promotional Posters

  • Season2 HellmouthCup Poster.png
  • Season3 HellmouthCup Poster.png
  • Season5 HellmouthCup Poster.png
  • Season13 HellmouthCup Poster.png
  • Season16 HellmouthCup Poster.png

Toroidal Cup

History

Texas Murder Coalition

In Toroidal/Season 20, there was some buzz around the league about the possibility of the Commissioner announcing a new Choke Artist: the SS.png Seattle Sneakers . The Curse of the Ancient Mariner had cemented itself into their lore, and the Sneakers, thirsty for a Cup series victory, knew this could be their final do-or-die opportunity. The Sneakers delivered, sweeping the FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls in the first round, sweeping the EA.png Elko Astronauts in the second round, and shutting down the ORL.png Orlando Business Majors in 5 efficient games.

In the final moments after the Sneakers were celebrating their victory, the Commissioner had appear to them from the static, like an apparition, and presented the Sneakers with a choice: Cake or Death? The Sneakers shouted "Cake!" - and the Commissioner disappeared just as quickly as they had appeared. Later, the Sneakers learned that the BTX.png Baltimore Texas had been presented with the remaining option, Or Death, and was subsequently incinerated as part of the Cancel Texas Memo.

After all of these events had taken place, and documented, and discussed, and digested, everyone in the league began to afford a certain level of respect to teams who had been involved in the incineration of the Texas. This informal ranking was later studied and formalized by Goober Boylston in a "Boylston on Boylston Violence" column. The ranking was dubbed the Texas Murder Coalition, and consists of teams who participated in the postseason bracket of Toroidal/Season 20, directly or indirectly, and who as a consequence led to the Seattle Sneakers winning the Toroidal Cup, being presented with the choice of Cake or Death, and leaving the Baltimore Texas to their fate of Or Death.

The list, in order of culpability/veneration:

  1. SS.png Seattle Sneakers
  2. ORL.png Orlando Business Majors
  3. EA.png Elko Astronauts

  1. DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells
  2. FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls
  3. LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds
  4. BB.png Boylston Boogers
  5. ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks
  6. OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations

Elko in the Toroidal Cup Season by Season

Chart

ToroidalSeasonsQuantileGraph EA.png

Summary

{{ToroidalRankList SeasonAllTime Chron EA}}


Promotional Posters

ToroidalSeason3 Poster.png

ToroidalSeason6 Poster.png

ToroidalSeason21 Poster.png

Rainbow Cup

History

Elko in the Rainbow Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

RainbowSeasonsQuantileGraph EA.png

Summary

{{RainbowRankList SeasonAllTime Chron EA}}


Klein Cup

History

Elko in the Klein Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

KleinSeasonsQuantileGraph EA.png

Summary

{{KleinRankList SeasonAllTime Chron EA}}


Hellmouth II Cup

History

The Shadow of Elko

Hellmouth II/Season 13 saw the AA.png Alewife Arsonists suffer an unbearable loss to an old rival, the EA.png Elko Astronauts , part of the Thank You For Not Smoking Crown. Elko once again demonstrated an ability to seal themselves off in the cold, silent vacuum of space, making themselves immune to the fire, noise, stink, and chaos of Alewife Station. The Astronauts' reverence for spacetime and the cathedrals built by geoplanetary forces over the course of many millennia left them unintimidated by the Arsonists, or the Brutalist design of their Concrete Cathedral. Instead, the zero gravity of space left the usual flame formations of the Arsonists floating helplessly in inert bubbles. The lack of gravity and atmosphere left Alewife without its most potent weapons, drifting off into the cold freezing vacuum of space in the final Game 6.

The cold Shadow of Elko had once again been cast on Alewife Station.

Season 13 - Hellmouth II Cup Results Table
EA.png Elko Astronauts

vs. AA.png Alewife Arsonists

  Winner W Score Margin L Score Loser Generations Link
Game 1 Alewife Arsonists 523 96.94% 16 Elko Astronauts 2,677 GollyLogoTransparent.png 7ba492fd-3b50-4c0b-8939-cec83f91ff90
Game 2 Elko Astronauts 325 51.08% 159 Alewife Arsonists 2,621 GollyLogoTransparent.png 660af71e-b366-4b70-b6a7-34dedfe7c98d
Game 3 Elko Astronauts 381 73.23% 102 Alewife Arsonists 4,655 GollyLogoTransparent.png 690ee468-6cbf-4e60-aadb-b50fe08bc28e
Game 4 Alewife Arsonists 533 94.37% 30 Elko Astronauts 3,101 GollyLogoTransparent.png 374cae39-2d8a-40f3-825e-342709344bf2
Game 5 Elko Astronauts 239 21.76% 187 Alewife Arsonists 3,509 GollyLogoTransparent.png 8f9e3a72-9bca-4ba0-b59a-da3c6a1285d9
Game 6 Elko Astronauts 405 64.94% 142 Alewife Arsonists 4,201 GollyLogoTransparent.png 86553867-a072-4630-841d-80e06a537890

The Shadow of Elko Descends Again

By Hellmouth II/Season 20, the AA.png Alewife Arsonists had been frustrated repeatedly by the EA.png Elko Astronauts , with the Shadow of Elko being cast across the country and landing squarely on Alewife Station, the very end of the Red Line. The Arsonists had been training, sweating, planning, working deep into the night, plotting their revenge against the Astronauts deep in the secret tunnels of the Red Line, preparing new secret plans each season to ambush their rival Astronauts the way they had ambushed the BB.png Boylston Boogers with The Nose Wipe.

It was not long before the Arsonists had their opportunity. In Hellmouth II/Season 20, the Thank You For Not Smoking Crown rivals had their eyes locked on one another from the get go, and both teams battled ferociously through their postseason rivals to have a shot at the other in a rematch of the Season 13 Hellmouth II Cup series. Fans of all teams were elated for yet another chapter in the history of the epic Astronauts-Arsonists matchup.

In a seeming reversal of their string of bad fortune against the Astronauts, the Arsonists took a 3-1 series lead against the Astronauts, and were poised to strike one final, winning blow against Elko to shatter the Shadow of Elko's grip and end the long string of heartbreaks.

But the Shadow of Elko caused a total eclipse of the sun, the Astronauts ushered Alewife into an airlock, and ejected them into deep space, icing them out of the Hellmouth II Cup in a reversal that (given the ferocity and fire in the belly of the Arsonists) virtually no one saw coming. It was an historic, repeated humiliation on the biggest stage, and made the Thank You For Not Smoking Crown the most lopsided crown since the Chews Versus Shoes Crown.

Season 20 - Hellmouth II Cup Results Table
EA.png Elko Astronauts

vs. AA.png Alewife Arsonists

  Winner W Score Margin L Score Loser Generations Link
Game 1 Elko Astronauts 304 18.75% 247 Alewife Arsonists 2,632 GollyLogoTransparent.png 51846f18-6d41-419a-bdc9-7faa59f2fe0c
Game 2 Alewife Arsonists 373 49.60% 188 Elko Astronauts 5,297 GollyLogoTransparent.png a4236dd5-cd13-45af-bf51-308079eb63ba
Game 3 Alewife Arsonists 363 74.66% 92 Elko Astronauts 4,840 GollyLogoTransparent.png f34083c9-2b9f-417f-84d1-719ebf61bf5a
Game 4 Alewife Arsonists 334 56.59% 145 Elko Astronauts 3,067 GollyLogoTransparent.png 63ec74bb-ca1b-482d-92cd-c291b8e2947b
Game 5 Elko Astronauts 404 56.19% 177 Alewife Arsonists 4,422 GollyLogoTransparent.png c1c87c32-577e-48c0-900c-37fcfc707122
Game 6 Elko Astronauts 593 88.03% 71 Alewife Arsonists 2,850 GollyLogoTransparent.png 95d7f7e1-3fba-4f51-8e30-75574f984a5a
Game 7 Elko Astronauts 563 85.08% 84 Alewife Arsonists 4,526 GollyLogoTransparent.png ad38fe25-58a8-4ac6-96dd-2c2d60f2bd19

Elko in the Hellmouth II Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthIISeasonsQuantileGraph EA.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron EA}}


Hellmouth III Cup

History

Elko in the Hellmouth III Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

HellmouthIIISeasonsQuantileGraph EA.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron EA}}


Hellmouth IV Cup

History

Elko in the Hellmouth IV Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthIVSeasonsQuantileGraph EA.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron EA}}


Hellmouth V Cup

History

Elko in the Hellmouth V Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthVSeasonsQuantileGraph EA.png

Summary

{{HellmouthVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron EA}}


Hellmouth VI Cup

History

Elko in the Hellmouth VI Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthVISeasonsQuantileGraph EA.png

Summary

{{HellmouthVIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron EA}}


Art

Promotional Posters

EA Promotional Poster.png

Navboxes

Hellmouth V League Teams

Hellmouth IV Cup logo

Hellmouth V Cup
Teams 		Cold Fire Division

BTX2.png Baltimore Texas II

EA.png Elko Astronauts

LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds

SLC.png Salt Lake Turbulence

SS.png Seattle Sneakers

Cold Water Division

FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls

TB.png Tucson Butchers

ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks

SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals

SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers

Hot Fire Division

VV.png Vegas Vampires

DET.png Detroit Grape Chews

MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos

SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes

FFF.png Fargo Flea Flickers

Hot Water Division

AA.png Alewife Arsonists

BB.png Boylston Boogers

DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells

SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers

OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations

Navbox Info:
Template:Navbox hellmouth v teams   •   edit
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