User:Ch4zm/June 2025/San Francisco Boat Shoes

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San Francisco Boat Shoes
San Francisco Boat Shoes logo
"Anchors away!"
Team Information
Name San Francisco Boat Shoes
Abbreviation SFBS
Nickname The Shoes
Primary Color #e7d7c1
Logo  SFBS.png 
Hometown San Francisco
Emoji ⚓️
Status Active
Rivalry Crowns
Favorites
Integer 99
Movie The Conversation
Divination
Element Water
Power Word Egocentric
Card Q♥
Motto
Pro gloria et fama et fortuito infamatus est
 
Template:Infobox team   •   edit
 

The SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes (The Shoes) are a Golly team from San Francisco, California, and are one of the original 16 Golly teams.

The Boat Shoes hold a number of Golly and Hellmouth Cup records and have accomplished many firsts, including:

Common knowledge was that being a successful Golly team required brute force and demonic pacts, but the Boat Shoes relied on agility, precision, and an almost supernatural ability to navigate the chaotic arenas of the Hellmouth Cup. They reached the Hellmouth Cup series in their first year, and while they lost it to the LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds (Surf and Turf Crown), and lost the championship series to the SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers (Cali Crown) the next year, they began to win championships starting in Season 3 and didn't look back.

The early success of the Boat Shoes led to a solid base of skeptics, detractors, and anti-fans who cheer at the team's every misfortune. This group, made up mainly of fans of the Mingos, Chews, and Boot Lickers, is known as The Barnacles. The Boat Shoes consider the Barnacles to be validation, inflating their already-outsized egos. The Boat Shoes consider themselves to be in a formal rivalry with the entire rest of the league, and enjoy being showered with boos.

Hellmouth Cup

History

Bitter Taste of Almost Glory

The Boat Shoes didn't just appear in the Hellmouth Cup; they kicked down the door. In their very first season, they blazed through the Hot League as the #1 seed, establishing a reputation for unnerving precision. They ground out a win in a grueling 3-2 Division Series victory over their Cali Crown rivals, the SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers , before clinching the pennant by dispatching the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews in another nail-biting 3-2 series. (This series, incidentally, became the centerpiece of many theories about a curse affecting the Chews and keeping them from ever winning a pennant).

The Boat Shoes were the talk of Golly - the upstarts from the Fog City. But the Hellmouth Cup is a cruel crucible. In the final series, they fell to the interstate rival LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds 2-4, a devastating loss that battered their fragile egos but showed them that immortality could be achieved. The seeds of a dynasty were planted, and watered with a bitter stew of defeat at the doorstep of success.

When the Boat Shoes lost the pennant to the SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers in Season 2, and watched their rivals foist the championship trophy in Sacramento before it could be brought to San Francisco, deepened the focus and determination of the relentless Boat Shoes.

The Dynasty Ignites

The Boat Shoes got their first taste of victory in Season 3. Entering the playoffs as the #2 seed, they dispatched the ATL.png Atlanta Glitter Sharks in a tight 5-game series, then fought back the Big Purple Machine (early Hellmouth Cup nickname for the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews ) to reach the Hellmouth Cup, where they defeated the EA.png Elko Astronauts 4-3 in a legendary, seven-game epic series.

Just 3 seasons later, in Season 6, the Boat Shoes showed that their fast-paced, rapid-response style that let them run circles around the opposition was still working, despite fervent efforts by other teams to develop defenses. The Boat Shoes dismantled the ORL.png Orlando Business Majors 3-1, hung on through a messy championship series against the red-hot AA.png Alewife Arsonists to clinch the pennant, and tied the SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals in knots with a 4-1 series victory. With this, the Boat Shoes had established themselves as an institution.

But the Boat Shoes were still hungry for a Dynasty.

The Dynasty Stumbles

After clinching three pennants, and winning two Hellmouth Cup series in their last two attempts, the Boat Shoes had their eye on the first-ever Golly Dynasty - three Hellmouth Cups - and perhaps even the first-ever Flawless Dynasty - three Hellmouth Cups in three attempts.

Season 10 seemed to be the magic season, with the Boat Shoes getting the #2 seed and winning a hard-fought series against the ATL.png Atlanta Glitter Sharks - but fate intervened, and the Boat Shoes found themselves the only thing standing between the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and their lovers the TB.png Tucson Butchers . The Butchers and Mingos had met in the Season 9 Hellmouth Cup series, eloped, and agreed to meet again in the Season 10 Hellmouth Cup series, and the Butchers had quickly dispatched the LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds in a Championship Series sweep, so the Boat Shoes hardly stood a chance.

The Boat Shoes never gave up on their Dynasty dreams, and 2 seasons later their persistence would pay off.

The Dynasty Rises

In Season 12, the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes stormed through the playoffs from the #4 seed. They outlasted the SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers 3-2, and overpowered the ORL.png Orlando Business Majors to clinch a pennant. But their Hellmouth Cup series faceoff with the infamous OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations made the stuff of legend, fitting for the series that christened the first Golly Dynasty. The series was a back-and-forth struggle, 7 fast-paced battles, each match giving no room for error and seemingly over in the blink of an eye. In the final fateful Game 7, the Boat Shoes prevailed, clinching the first and flawless Dynasty, devastating Jersey fans, sustaining the Curse of the Silly Goat, and growing the ranks of The Barnacles.

A Second Dynasty

After a period of frustrating playoff exits that led many to believe their best years were behind them, the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes roared back to life, forging a second, distinct dynasty built on veteran savvy and ruthless execution. This era was defined by redemption and an unforgettable display of absolute power, culminating in a final, triumphant blaze of glory.

The Boat Shoes' run at a second Flawless Dynasty began in Season 18, sparked by an all-consuming desire for vengeance. As the #1 seed, they navigated a treacherous path, dispatching the formidable newcomers ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks , and barely surviving a brutal 3-2 series against the BB.png Boylston Boogers . This set the stage for a Hellmouth Cup final steeped in lore: a rematch 17 seasons in the making against the LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds , the Surf and Turf Crown rivals who had handed the Boat Shoes their first (and only) devastating defeat in the Hellmouth Cup series back in Season 1. But this time, there would be no heartbreak. The Shoes played with a cold fury, dismantling the Birds in 6 games and exhibiting a ruthless efficiency in their victories that nobody had seen before. With their series win, they had exorcised the ghosts of their Season 1 Hellmouth Cup loss.

If the Season 18 victory was about redemption, the Season 20 championship was a terrifying display of pure dominance. This was the Boat Shoes at their most imperious, a run so flawless it cemented their legendary status and drew the deepest ire of their rivals. After sweeping the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews 3-0 in the divisional round, they once again conquered the ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks to clinch the pennant. What followed in the Hellmouth Cup was a massacre. Facing their old rivals, the LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds , the Boat Shoes put on a clinic, sweeping them 4-0. It was a perfect, untouchable performance that sent a clear message to the Golly: the throne still belonged to San Francisco. This fifth title was perhaps the one that The Barnacles resented the most, as its sheer perfection was seen as the height of arrogance.

The final chapter of the epic 24-season journey of the Boat Shoes came in Season 24. Knowing this was likely their last chance at glory, and with an eye on the sheer statistical impossibility of winning a sixth Hellmouth Cup series, the Boat Shoes were single-minded in their drive for a second dynasty. They tore apart the DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells and BB.png Boylston Boogers to clinch the 24th and final Hot League pennant of the Hellmouth Cup, then faced off with the SLC.png Salt Lake Turbulence , with eternal glory and fame on the line. In a hard-fought 4-2 series, the Boat Shoes summoned all of their reserves to power through the turbulence, maintain stability, and channel the chaos of the simulator to their advantage. They crushed the upstart Turbulence to secure their sixth and final championship, in a triumphant end to Golly's greatest dynasty - a final echo of the power and glory that had defined them for two dozen seasons.

The Goat Shoes

The two Boat Shoes dynasties were built on a foundation of clutch plays and razor-thin victories. Their Game 5 division series wins, many of them squeakers, the thrilling series to clinch pennants and win championships, and not least their utter domination in Season 20, were not just moments of triumph for Boat Shoes fans - they were moments of profound agony for everyone else. But by the time the sun had set on the Hellmouth Cup and Season 24 had drawn to a close, with the Boat Shoes crowned reigning champions a sixth time, for their second Flawless Dynasty, the rest of the league had to admit, however reluctantly, that what the Boat Shoes had accomplished would shape Golly forever, and that it could be centuries before the likes of the Hellmouth Cup SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes would be seen again.

San Francisco in the Hellmouth Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

HellmouthSeasonsQuantileGraph SFBS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SFBS}}


Toroidal Cup

History

Boat Shoes Get Donut Sickness

While the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes cemented their legend in the Hellmouth Cup, the Toroidal Cup was a different beast entirely — the Cup introduced a new periodic grid, causing patterns to wrap around the edges and back onto the other side of the grid. This proved to be profoundly problematic for the Boat Shoes, whose winning strategies did not translate to periodic grids. Their inability to devise or execute winning strategies was dubbed "Donut Sickness" and would afflict them for the entire Toroidal Cup. Far from making history, the Boat Shoes provided a cautionary tale of hubris, showing the league that even the greatest Dynasty could not last forever.

The Boylston Nightmare

Teased with the promise of continued success by their Toroidal/Season 6 victory, but still suffering from the ill effects of Donut Sickness, the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes soon found themselves sliding into a deep funk. Over the course of a dozen seasons, the Boat Shoes bumped their head on the ceiling of the Division Series or Championship Series five times without success.

The BB.png Boylston Boogers in particular were a recurring nightmare for the Boat Shoes, culminating in a Toroidal/Season 14 Division Series sweep by the Boogers of the #1-seeded Boat Shoes. The division series sweep, coming as it did when they were the top seed, humiliated the Boat Shoes, and left them desperate for their glory days.

But the desperation of Toroidal/Season 14 was nothing compared to the devastation that Toroidal/Season 15 would bring, in the form of one fateful series with their most bitter rivals.

The 159-158 Game

The 159-158 Game is a legendary match between the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes and the SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers . The Boot Lickers won the match by a single point, for a final score of 159-158.

The Toroidal/Season 15 postseason winds controlled the fate of the Boat Shoes franchise and their fading hopes at postseason glory. Standing in the way was a Division Series showdown with their most bitter rivals: the SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers . After many Toroidal Cup seasons being tormented by the Boot Lickers, the Boat Shoes had finally gained the upper hand in their regular-season matchups. This gave Boat Shoes fans a fragile sense of optimism. Commentators billed the matchup as the most important series in the history of the Boat Shoes-Boot Lickers Cali Crown rivalry.

The series was a brutal, back-and-forth war, leading to a decisive and fateful Game 5 (ToroidalCup.png 0fe0cbc8-adaf-4c27-84bc-6ea2fa720870). The teams battled, neck-and-neck until the end. Then, in a single, crystalline moment of horror for San Francisco, Sacramento, which had looked like a dormant ash field, deployed a quick blooming flower pattern, the clock suddenly stopped, and final score read 159-158, in favor of the Boot Lickers.

The 159-158 Game shocked the Boat Shoes and the entire Golly world with its one-point photo finish. The one-point loss was an emotional cataclysm from which the Toroidal Cup Boat Shoes would never recover. In an ironic twist of fate, the Boot Lickers would advance to the Toroidal Cup series, only to be cheated out of the title by the FWPT.png Ft. Worth Piano Tuners in a sordid hacking scandal that would lead to the Cancel Texas Memo.

Toroidal Twilight

The aftermath of Toroidal/Season 15 was a long, protracted, and melodramatic downward slide for the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes . The team once nicknamed the GOAT Shoes had become a hollowed-out shell in the Toroidal Cup, their confidence irrevocably broken. The last whimper of their Toroidal Cup ambitions came in the final Toroidal/Season 24, where they entered as the lowly #4 seed. They were swept out of the first round by the SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers and showed no fight, made no dramatic last stand. The team that had won six Hellmouth Cups and once had hopes of repeating their prior glory had been unceremoniously swept aside in a fitting end to their cursed Donut run.

San Francisco in the Toroidal Cup Season by Season

Chart

ToroidalSeasonsQuantileGraph SFBS.png

Summary

{{ToroidalRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SFBS}}


Rainbow Cup

History

The First Season is a Harsh Mistress

The SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes entered the inaugural Rainbow/Season 1 with their customary regular-season excellence, securing the #1 seed in the West League and clinching the pennant over the FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls . However, the four-way chaos of the Rainbow Cup final proved to be harsh and difficult to navigate. The Boat Shoes were badly outmaneuvered, finishing in a distant and disappointing fourth place with a meager 35🌈, a full 18🌈 behind the champion OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations . (Adding salt to the wound was the fact that the OSHA Violations finally broke the Curse of the Silly Goat, something for which the Boat Shoes were regularly blamed.) The tactics that had served them so well in the Hellmouth Cup and had let them down in the Toroidal Cup needed a radical overhaul for this new era.

The First Taste of the Rainbow

The SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes returned to the Rainbow Cup in Rainbow/Season 4, having clearly mastered the format's complex dynamics. Despite coming in second to the FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls in the West League Championship, they entered the Rainbow Cup series with a refined strategy, and they played the field perfectly. In a stunning display of strategic point accumulation, they dominated the Rainbow Cup Series, racking up 65🌈 to finish a comfortable 19🌈 ahead of the second-place Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers. This first Rainbow Cup title proved the old dynasty could learn new tricks and reaffirmed their status as Golly's elite.

The Rainbow Gap

Following their Rainbow/Season 4 Rainbow Cup win, the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes entered another fallow period. The Shoes failed to make a significant impact for over a dozen seasons, including a mediocre third-place finish in Rainbow/Season 17 and bumbling their way to an early exit in Rainbow/Season 19. As their Hellmouth Cup glory faded further into memory and their fans recovered from the team's Donut Sickness and disastrous Toroidal Cup showing, many Shoes fans began to whisper about a "Rainbow Sickness" and the team reliving a tragic repeat of their Toroidal Cup nightmare.

The Delaware Dagger

The losing narrative of the Rainbow Cup SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes was nearly rewritten in Rainbow/Season 22. In a stunning return to form, the Boat Shoes, as the #2 seed, clinched the West League pennant and battled brilliantly in the Rainbow Cup final. The entire series was a nail-biter between them and the DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells . The lead changed hands multiple times, with every point scored shifting the delicate balance. In the end, it came down to the wire, but the Boat Shoes fell agonizingly short, finishing in second place with 52🌈 - a mere 2🌈 behind the victorious Corporate Shells. The loss was a devastating dagger to the fans, especially the ones who remembered the Season 22 magic from the Hellmouth Cup days. Instead, it had echoes of The 159-158 Game, another heart-wrenching "what if" moment for the team and its long-suffering fans.

The Rainbow Redemption

The agonizingly close finish in Rainbow/Season 22 could have been the final, cruel joke in the long SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes history of "what ifs" - certainly what The Barnacles were hoping for. It felt like a confirmation of the rumored "Rainbow Sickness", a sign the team would be destined to forever fall short. But for the team, and for the fans, a 2-🌈 loss at the doorstep of the Rainbow Cup didn't break them, it forged them in fire. And it would set the stage for a final, improbable run, and a final chapter to redeem decades of frustration.

Taste of the Tenderloin

The Shoes entered the Rainbow/Season 24 playoffs not as favorites, but as the #4 seed - afterthoughts, tired veterans whose glory days were over in a league full of younger, hungrier teams. The Shoes scratched and clawed their way through the West League Championship, clinching a pennant not with dominance, but with sheer grit, finishing second behind the one team that defined their deepest rivalry: the SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers .

The Rainbow Cup final was therefore loaded with narrative weight. It was one final shot for the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes , a final showdown with their oldest and most bitter rivals on the grandest stage. This time, there would be no heartbreak, no near misses, and no whisper of a curse. The Boat Shoes played with a masterful blend of wisdom and ferocity, a perfect swansong for their legendary careers. They didn't just win; they dominated. Racking up a massive 68🌈, they exorcised the ghosts of The 159-158 Game and the Delaware Dagger. In their final act, they won their second Rainbow Cup by finishing a glorious 19🌈 ahead of the second-place Boot Lickers. It was the perfect victory: a definitive and deeply satisfying triumph over their greatest rivals.

The matchup came to be known as the Taste of the Tenderloin - an allusion to the beatdown delivered to the Boot Lickers, giving them a taste of San Francisco's roughest neighborhood.

San Francisco in the Rainbow Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

RainbowSeasonsQuantileGraph SFBS.png

Summary

{{RainbowRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SFBS}}

  • In Rainbow/Season 1 the San Francisco Boat Shoes were the #1 seed in the West League.
    • They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in first place ahead of the FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls .
    • They came in fourth in the Rainbow Cup Series, accumulating 35🌈 to finish 18🌈 behind the first-place OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations .
  • In Rainbow/Season 4 the San Francisco Boat Shoes were the #1 seed in the West League.
    • They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in second place behind the FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls .
    • They won the Rainbow Cup Series, accumulating 65🌈 to finish 19🌈 ahead of the SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers .
  • In Rainbow/Season 17 the San Francisco Boat Shoes were the #1 seed in the West League.
    • They clinched the pennant in the West League Championship Series by coming in second place behind the SS.png Seattle Sneakers .
    • They came in third in the Rainbow Cup Series, accumulating 40🌈 to finish 24🌈 behind the first-place SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers .
  • In Rainbow/Season 19 the San Francisco Boat Shoes were the #3 seed in the West League.
  • In Rainbow/Season 22 the San Francisco Boat Shoes were the #2 seed in the West League.
  • In Rainbow/Season 24 the San Francisco Boat Shoes were the #4 seed in the West League.


Klein Cup

History

Boat Shoes Agonistes

If the Hellmouth Cup was their coronation and the Toroidal Cup their collapse, the Klein Cup was purgatory for the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes . For over two decades, the Shoes existed in a state of perpetual, agonizing contention. While consistently hitting the top of the league in the regular season - often climbing to the very top of the pile - this sustained regular season performance translated to just one single hard-won Klein Cup trophy.

The Boat Shoes accumulated a staggering number of near-misses and soul-crushing playoff defeats, often at the hans of the same few rivals who became their white whales. The emotional resolve of Boat Shoes fans, which had been tested by the Donut Sickness in the Toroidal Cup and the seeming repeat in the Rainbow Cup, was temporary alleviated by the Taste of the Tenderloin beatdown during Rainbow/Season 24, but the Klein Cup was a trial by fire for true Shoes fans.

Stuck in the First Klein Loop and Breakout

The SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes didn't enter the Klein Cup with a bang - it was thrown into the room through a window, experiencing a series of frustrating losses that hinted at the heartbreak to come. Early exits in Klein/Season 3 to the AA.png Alewife Arsonists and Klein/Season 4 to the DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells established the pattern. In Klein/Season 5, following a brilliant season as the #1 seed, the Boat Shoes lost a brutal, seven-game Hot League Championship Series to the VV.png Vegas Vampires . The very next year, in Klein/Season 6, they vanquished the Vampires in the first round, only to fall again in a seven-game heartbreaker, this time to the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos . They were stuck in their first Klein Loop of the season, but it would not be the last.

The Shoes finally broke through the first Klein Loop in Klein/Season 7. After sweeping the SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers , they exacted their revenge on Vegas to clinch the pennant. In the Klein Cup final, they defeated their old high-desert space nemesis EA.png Elko Astronauts 4-2, a moment of sublime triumph and relief. For a brief moment, it seemed the "Boat Shoes Agonistes" curse had been broken. This Klein Cup trophy came at a period of peak performance - the "golden era" of the Klein Cup Boat Shoes, where they were consistently a top-contending team and fans had high hopes for the future.

Stuck in the Second Klein Loop

While SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes fans expected Klein/Season 7 to open the floodgates, that single victory instead stood alone, and marked the beginning of an almost unbelievable string of failures at the final hurdle. The Boat Shoes became regular-season gatekeepers of the Hot League - dominating the shorter format of 11-game seasons - but faced continued failure in their quest for a pennant. The second Klein Loop was defined by three bitter rivalries with teams that could and did effectively shut down the Boat Shoes, season after season, at the doorstep of a pennant:

  • MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos (Milwaukee Ice) - The rivalry with the Flamingos was defined by a cold, soul-crushing finality. In Klein/Season 11 and Klein/Season 12, Milwaukee put the Boat Shoes' ambitions on ice, knocking them out of the playoffs, including a painful 2-4 loss in the Championship Series. Every series was like a promising Boat Shoes season hitting a wall of Midwestern winter.
  • AA.png Alewife Arsonists (the Alewife Firewall) - The Arsonists maintained an impassable firewall, extinguishing the Shoes' hopes in a 4-2 Championship Series in Klein/Season 9 and (even more painfully) in another seven-game classic in Klein/Season 14 where the Boat Shoes had entered the postseason as the #1 seed.
  • SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers (the Static Stranglehold) - The Eavesdroppers didn't just beat the Boat Shoes, they completely silenced them. Matchups were defined by suffocating defenses that turned promising drives, patterns, and formations into static ash fields. After being swept in Klein/Season 7, the Boat Shoes fell into the Eavesdroppers' trap, losing a crushing seven-game Championship Series in Klein/Season 10 (where the Boat Shoes had entered the postseason as the #1 seed), ending the Shoes' season with a quiet hum of dead air.

Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Fire

The Boat Shoes' final legitimate chance at Klein Cup glory came in Klein/Season 15. In a heroic run, they defeated their old Klein Loop rivals the VV.png Vegas Vampires in the Division Series and then won a seven-game thriller against their other old Klein Loop rivals the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews to clinch their first pennant in 8 seasons. They had finally overcome the agony of the Hot League Championship Series (with much help from fate guiding them to play the definitely-cursed Grape Chews in the Championship Series).

And the reward for all of the hard work by the Boat Shoes to get back to the Klein Cup? Getting absolutely roasted in a 4-0 sweep in the Klein Cup final at the hands of the ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks .

It was their last hurrah in the postseason, and truly one fitting of a team whose Klein Cup performance was summed up in the phrase, "Boat Shoes Agonistes."

San Francisco in the Klein Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

KleinSeasonsQuantileGraph SFBS.png

Summary

{{KleinRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SFBS}}


Hellmouth II Cup

History

The Probability Loan

Sometime after their humiliating Klein Cup loss to Detroit in Klein/Season 23, and pondering how they could make a mark in the upcoming Hellmouth II Cup, the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes reached out to the tossed-out-of-the-league quitters ATL.png Atlanta Glitter Sharks and were put in touch with a loan shark offering a Probability Mortgage - in exchange for guaranteeing that first, glorious Hellmouth II/Season 1 win, the Boat Shoes took out a loan against the outcomes of all future seasons. Tragically, this would leave them with staggering debt to pay off over the next 23 seasons, compounding in the form of choking at clutch moments, heart-breaking losses at the doorstep of success, and the curse of never again foisting the Hellmouth II Cup after their Hellmouth II/Season 1 victory.

Their entire history in this cup is the story of the universe ruthlessly foreclosing on that debt.

The Dream Season

The SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes began the Hellmouth II Cup era with a dream season, culminating in a 4-2 victory over their Hellmouth II/Season 1 opponents, the SLC.png Salt Lake Turbulence . Along the way, the Boat Shoes also roasted the OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations , sparking the fire of a new rivalry that would burn for years. But to Boat Shoes fans, who had dealt with decades of struggle, from Donut Sickness to "Rainbow Sickness," from one Klein Loop to another, it seemed the Boat Shoes had finally slayed their old demons and gotten their groove back.

The First Pound of Flesh

After the initial exuberance of Hellmouth II/Season 1, the Boat Shoes again performed brilliantly in Hellmouth II/Season 4, where they earned the #1 seed. They were seemingly on top of the world, and had yet to experience any ill effects from their Probability Debt.

But in the first sign of trouble, the Boat Shoes were knocked out in a stunning first-round exit at the hands of the lower-seeded OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations . The unexpected loss to the OSHA Violations was compounded in Hellmouth II/Season 5, when the Boat Shoes experienced a full-on regular-season meltdown. It was obvious by that point that the Boat Shoes were beginning to pay the price for their Hellmouth II/Season 1 success.

Game Seven Sickness

As the seasons of the Hellmouth II Cup progressed, and as the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes struggled to pay down their debt and get back to even, the Shoes increasingly found themselves unable to "close it out," with seemingly every postseason series running to the maximum number of games. It started in Hellmouth II/Season 4 with their humiliation at the hands of the OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations in the final Game 5, but would go on to include the Hellmouth II/Season 7 LDS and LCS, the Hellmouth II/Season 8 LCS, the Hellmouth II/Season 9 LDS and LCS, and the Hellmouth II/Season 10 LDS and LCS. (This would also later include the Hellmouth II/Season 13 LDS, the Hellmouth II/Season 15 LDS, the Hellmouth II/Season 16 LDS, and the Hellmouth II/Season 17 LDS.) Tragically, despite reaching the Championship Series 4 times, despite pushing it to the max 7 games each time, they did not have a single Championship series win to show for it.

Rumors of a New Choke Artists

Ironically, and relatedly, part of the reason the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes were in the Championship Series from Hellmouth II/Season 7 through Hellmouth II/Season 10 is because they were able to use the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews as a footstool to repeatedly reach the Championship series. For four consecutive seasons, the Grape Chews and Boat Shoes met in the Division Series. And for four consecutive seasons, the Grape Chews were dispatched by the Boat Shoes. And for four consecutive seasons, the Boat Shoes maxed out the Championship Series at 7 games, choking 3 of the 4 times. Much to the delight of the Grape Chews, rumors began to spread that a new Hellmouth II Cup Choke Artist might be crowned. Nobody in the league was aware of the staggering Probability Debt exacting its toll on the Boat Shoes, so to the rest of the league, it all looked like a classic sports curse.

A Tale of Two Finals

The largest payments on their Probability Loan were made on the grandest stage. Twice more, the Boat Shoes clawed their way to the Hellmouth II Cup final, and twice more, the universe extracted a pound of flesh for payment. The two Hellmouth II Cup finals that the Boat Shoes lost would come to overshadow their dream Hellmouth II/Season 1 season, and would become the Hellmouth II Cup Boat Shoes that everyone remembered: a team whose successes only seemed to feed their failures.

In Hellmouth II/Season 9, the Boat Shoes finally survived the gauntlet of the postseason and made it to the Hellmouth II Cup series, facing off against their old nemesis, the LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds . But they couldn't scrape together more than a single win, and fell 1-4 to the Birds. The loss suggested that the Boat Shoes were haunted by the ghosts of their past, and were unable to move on from their Hellmouth Cup glory days.

Just 8 seasons later, the Boat Shoes again made it to the Hellmouth II Cup series, this time facing off against a new power, the TB.png Tucson Butchers . They lost the series to the Butchers, 2-4, in a messy and bloody affair. The loss suggested that despite having moved on from their Hellmouth Cup glory days, the Boat Shoes struggled with the new tricks needed to defeat teams they'd never faced before.

Detroit's Revenge

If there is one thing people know about the Detroit Grape Chews, it's that the Grape Chews don't have many good revenge stories. Perhaps it's because the club is resigned to its fate, perhaps it's due to lack of gaining the upper hand first. But one happy (for Detroit) story of revenge in a long history without it occurred in Hellmouth II/Season 23.

Having been brutalized four consecutive seasons, Hellmouth II/Season 7 through Hellmouth II/Season 10, by the Boat Shoes in the League Division Series, the Grape Chews were itching for revenge. When they entered the Hellmouth II/Season 23 postseason as the #1 seed, facing off against the #4 seeded Boat Shoes, they saw their chance. The Chews did not just beat the Shoes, denying them their final opportunity at Hellmouth II Cup redemption, they crushed the Boat Shoes in 3 straight games. There was much discussion about the fate of the Boat Shoes, who had seemed to be making a genuine effort in all 3 games. In truth, the Boat Shoes getting swept allowed them to make their final payment on their Probability Debt, and close out the Hellmouth II Cup at zero.

San Francisco in the Hellmouth II Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthIISeasonsQuantileGraph SFBS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SFBS}}


Hellmouth III Cup

History

Secret Bingo

By the time the Hellmouth III Cup began, the city of San Francisco realized, after a decades-long will-they-won't-they roller coaster with their beloved SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes , that the Boat Shoes were already GOATs. Their history, the records smashed in the Hellmouth Cup, afforded the team something rare in the demanding sports town of San Francisco: a long leash.

Despite the long leash, the team knew it still had to keep fans engaged in games. In a true innovate or die moment, the team found the perfect solution: Secret Bingo.

The concept was simple on the surface, but offered complexity and richness in its outcomes. Before each season, dedicated fans could sign up for a "Secret Bingo" card assigned to their section of the stadium. The bingo cards were not about simple outcomes like "win" or "lose." Instead, the bingo cards were chock full of esoteric, hyper-specific, and deeply strange in-game events. A square might be:

  • "Team executes a 'Wiggle' formation three times in a single drive."
  • "An opposing player is flagged for a foul involving a previously unknown rule."
  • "The Boat Shoes lose a postseason game despite being the #1 seed." (A famously easy square to get in most eras).
  • "A play is reviewed and the outcome is somehow more confusing than before."
  • "The final score contains three of the same digit."

The prizes ranged from the mundane (a free hot dog for a single bingo) to the absurdly lavish (a new car for a full "blackout" card), but the prizes were secondary. The game itself went viral. It completely transformed the fan experience. Instead of groaning when the team was swept as the #1 seed, a whole section of the stadium might erupt in cheers because it completed their "Playoff Collapse" square. A convoluted, failed trick play wasn't a moment of frustration; it was a chance to fill the "Too Clever By Half" space.

For Boat Shoes fans, the "Championship Standard" of San Francisco had already been met, and the only ones left arguing about the Boat Shoes' legacy were haters and pundits. For the Boat Shoes faithful in San Francisco, Hellmouth III Cup became the era of Secret Bingo, and with it, a myriad of new paths to future glory.

The Vegas Ambush

In Hellmouth III/Season 1, the #1-seeded SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes flexed their muscles with an early, strong showing in the regular season. In their first postseason appearance of the new Hellmouth III Cup, the Shoes faced off against the VV.png Vegas Vampires , a fast-paced, explosive, and risk-taking bunch that couldn't resist putting on a show.

That was exactly what the Vampires gave their fans. In a display of spectacle over substance, Vegas completely overwhelming the arrogant powerhouse from San Francisco in a stunning 3-game sweep, ending the Boat Shoes' season (and delighting many Boat Shoes fans whose Secret Bingo cards were completed with the Boat Shoes' early, humiliating postseason exit.)

The "High and Dry" Cup

Hellmouth III/Season 3 saw the team's only deep postseason run of the Hellmouth III Cup. After a strong regular season, the Shoes battled their way to a Hellmouth III Cup series appearance, giving the city a taste of the team's old glory. But their final series against the ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks was a crushing 4-1 series defeat, and the team was left high and dry by the Punks. Boat Shoes fans, experiencing their first heartbreaking loss of the Secret Bingo era, found that it was a balm that could soothe all wounds.

The Northeastern Flu

The SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes contracted the Northeastern Flu between Hellmouth III/Season 6 and Hellmouth III/Season 13, making three early exits from the postseason after getting eliminated by the AA.png Alewife Arsonists (Hellmouth III/Season 6), BB.png Boylston Boogers (Hellmouth III/Season 9), and OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations (Hellmouth III/Season 12). The Shoes had only one postseason victory during that entire span.

Eventually the Shoes' condition would worsen, and the Northeastern Flu would become the Division Series Flu.

The Division Series Flu

After contracting the Northeastern Flu, wherein the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes experienced a series of humbling Division Series losses to the AA.png Alewife Arsonists in Hellmouth III/Season 6, the BB.png Boylston Boogers in Hellmouth III/Season 9, and the OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations in Hellmouth III/Season 13, the Boat Shoes managed to shake it off, winning the Division Series against the VV.png Vegas Vampires in Hellmouth III/Season 14. But they were soon back to their losing ways, experiencing another series of humbling Division Series losses to the SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers , the FFF.png Fargo Flea Flickers , and the Vampires.

The Northeastern Flu and subsequent Division Series Flu led to so many Secret Bingo wins, the Boat Shoes stadium completely ran out of hot dogs (fans get a free hot dog for every bingo). San Francisco is home to the highest number of hot dog millionaires in the world.

San Francisco in the Hellmouth III Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

HellmouthIIISeasonsQuantileGraph SFBS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SFBS}}


Hellmouth IV Cup

History

San Francisco in the Hellmouth IV Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthIVSeasonsQuantileGraph SFBS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SFBS}}


Hellmouth V Cup

History

San Francisco in the Hellmouth V Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthVSeasonsQuantileGraph SFBS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SFBS}}


Art

Cup Posters

Navboxes

Hellmouth V League Teams

Hellmouth IV Cup logo

Hellmouth V Cup
Teams 		Cold Fire Division

BTX2.png Baltimore Texas II

EA.png Elko Astronauts

LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds

SLC.png Salt Lake Turbulence

SS.png Seattle Sneakers

Cold Water Division

FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls

TB.png Tucson Butchers

ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks

SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals

SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers

Hot Fire Division

VV.png Vegas Vampires

DET.png Detroit Grape Chews

MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos

SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes

FFF.png Fargo Flea Flickers

Hot Water Division

AA.png Alewife Arsonists

BB.png Boylston Boogers

DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells

SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers

OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations

Navbox Info:
Template:Navbox hellmouth v teams   •   edit
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