Difference between revisions of "Seattle Sneakers"

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The '''Seattle Sneakers''' are a Golly team from Seattle, Washington. They joined the [[Hellmouth Cup]] in [[Season 1]].
 
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The Sneakers' major arcana is '''The High Priestess''', a reference to their inextricable link to the Underworld and the Gateway to the Land of the Dead.
 
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The Sneakers are known for being fearless, courageous, and never willing to hear what the odds are.
 
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{{Infobox team
 
{{Infobox team
 
| name = Seattle Sneakers
 
| name = Seattle Sneakers
 
| abbr = SS
 
| abbr = SS
 +
| nickname = Sneaks
 +
 
| color = e86215
 
| color = e86215
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| league = Cold
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| secondary_color = 000000
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| division = Fire
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| emoji = 👟
 +
 
 
| slogan = Don't Look Down
 
| slogan = Don't Look Down
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| motto = ''[[Sine metu]]''<br />(Without fear)
 +
 
| hometown = Seattle
 
| hometown = Seattle
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| celebrity_mascot = Bill Murray
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| stadium = The Slurve
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| stadium =  
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| rivals =  
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| status = Active
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| antirivals = [[Jersey OSHA Violations]]
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| arcana = The High Priestess (II)
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| crowns =
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| arcana_title = The Priestess of the Silver Star
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* [[Highwire Crown]] {{TeamLogo|OSHA}}
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| emoji =  
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* [[Fresh Kicks Crown]] {{TeamLogo|FF}}
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| mixtape =
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| integer = 1,234
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| movie =
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| element = Air
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| word = Cool
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| playing_card = J♦
 
}}
 
}}
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{{SSTeamOverview}}
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=Hellmouth Cup=
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==History==
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===The Curse of the Ancient Mariner===
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{{HellmouthSneakersCurseAncientMarinerFragment}}
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==Seattle in the Hellmouth Cup Season by Season==
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===Performance Chart===
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[[File:HellmouthSeasonsQuantileGraph_SS.png|800px]]
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===Summary===
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{{Tl|HellmouthRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}
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{{SeasonBySeason HellmouthCup SS}}
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==Promotional Posters==
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[[Image:Season8_HellmouthCup_Poster.png|500px]]
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[[Image:Season22_HellmouthCup_Poster.png|500px]]
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=Toroidal Cup=
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==History==
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===Texas Murder Coalition===
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{{ToroidalTexasMurderCoalitionFragment}}
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==Seattle in the Toroidal Cup Season by Season==
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===Chart===
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[[File:ToroidalSeasonsQuantileGraph_SS.png|800px]]
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===Summary===
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{{Tl|ToroidalRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}
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{{SeasonBySeason ToroidalCup SS}}
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==Promotional Posters==
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[[Image:ToroidalSeason2_Poster.png|500px]]
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[[Image:ToroidalSeason20_Poster.png|500px]]
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=Rainbow Cup=
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==History==
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==Seattle in the Rainbow Cup Season by Season==
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===Performance Chart===
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[[File:RainbowSeasonsQuantileGraph_SS.png|800px]]
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===Summary===
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{{Tl|RainbowRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}
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{{SeasonBySeason RainbowCup SS}}
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=Klein Cup=
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==History==
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==Seattle in the Klein Cup Season by Season==
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===Performance Chart===
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[[File:KleinSeasonsQuantileGraph_SS.png|800px]]
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===Summary===
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{{Tl|KleinRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}
  
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==Team Character==
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{{SeasonBySeason KleinCup SS}}
  
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The Seattle Sneakers are the coolest team in Golly. Everyone admires their style. Once, as a prank, the entire Seattle Sneakers team wore giant baby diapers to their matches, and acted like it was totally normal. The next day, every other team was wearing giant baby diapers to their matches.
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=Hellmouth II Cup=
  
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===Love of Heights===
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==History==
  
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The Seattle Sneakers live out their motto, "Don't Look Down," in daily life. Many Seattle Sneakers players are world-class amateur extreme splorts enthusiasts in such splorts as such as upside-down tightrope walking or no-plane skydiving. Other players on the Sneakers engage in various forms of strength-building splorts, such as zero-g weightlifting, or psychological endurance splorts, such as long-distance sensory deprivation running. More than a few Seattle Sneakers players hold world titles in various competitive eating splorts.
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==Seattle in the Hellmouth II Cup==
  
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===Friendship with Jersey OSHA Violations===
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===Performance Chart===
  
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The Seattle Sneakers have developed a friendly relationship with the [[Jersey OSHA Violations]], whose legal team are avid sneakerheads. The Sneakers feed the OSHA Violations Legal Team hot tips on new sneakers that are dropping, and in exchange receive free legal consults and the backing of the best legal team in Golly.
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[[File:HellmouthIISeasonsQuantileGraph_SS.png|800px]]
  
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===Bonding with OSHA Violations over Extreme Splorts Hobbies===
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===Summary===
  
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The [[Jersey OSHA Violations]], no strangers to pushing the limits of human endurance or finding themselves in situations involving extreme hazards completely outside the realm of normal human experience, bonded with the Seattle Sneakers over their shared love of extreme splorts and pushing the limits. Players from the Sneakers and OSHA Violations can routinely be found upside-down tightrope walking over Naiagra Falls or attempting to remove components from aircraft engines mid-flight.
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{{Tl|HellmouthIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}
  
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==Sneakers in the Hellmouth Cup==
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{{SeasonBySeason HellmouthIICup SS}}
  
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===Feud with San Francisco Boat Shoes===
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=Hellmouth III Cup=
  
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During [[Season 8]] the {{CTeam|SFBS}}, who were eliminated from the postseason, made several social media posts that tagged the Seattle Sneakers or alluded to them.
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==History==
  
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The {{CTeam|SFBS}} and Sneakers did not normally interact, since they were in the Hot and Cold Leagues, respectively. The Sneakers claimed to have never heard of the "Boat Shoes," and proceeded to mock footwear designed specifically for sailboat owners as out-of-touch.
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==Seattle in the Hellmouth III Cup Season by Season==
  
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===Boat Shoes Trademark Attempts===
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===Performance Chart===
  
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The {{CTeam|SFBS}} continued efforts to interact with the Sneakers via social media, and were subsequently blocked.
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[[File:HellmouthIIISeasonsQuantileGraph_SS.png|800px]]
  
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The Boat Shoes began to attempt to get attention through legal avenues. They started by trademarking the "Footwear Crown" as part of a merchandising effort, and sent a team of lawyers to Seattle to negotiate a cut of profits with the Sneakers. The lawyers were unable to find the main offices of the Sneakers using the intentionally incorrect directions provided by the Sneakers, and the deal fell through.
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===Summary===
  
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The Boat Shoes then attempted to trademark the "Fresh Kicks Crown" as part of another merchandising effort. The Boat Shoes sent a bounty hunter instead of a team of lawyers the second time around.
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{{Tl|HellmouthIIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}
  
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Realizing they were out of their depth, the Seattle Sneakers reached out to the {{CTeam|OSHA}} for legal help. The OSHA Violations were no friends of the Boat Shoes after the events of the [[Season 3/Fixing Scandal|Season 3 Fixing Scandal]]). With help from the OSHA Violations, the Sneakers were able to successfully challenge the "Fresh Kicks Crown" trademark claims of the Boat Shoes in court.
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{{SeasonBySeason HellmouthIIICup SS}}
  
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===Fresh Kicks Crown===
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=Hellmouth IV Cup=
  
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{{Main|Fresh Kicks Crown}}
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==History==
  
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The Sneakers, playing it cool, spent the entire [[Hellmouth Cup]] denying the existence of the {{CTeam|SFBS}}, while the Boat Shoes, desperate for the attention of the Sneakers, repeatedly declared they would do everything in their power to meet the Sneakers in the [[Hellmouth Cup]] series.
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==Seattle in the Hellmouth IV Cup==
  
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===Intern Rekindles Boat Shoes Feud===
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===Performance Chart===
  
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In [[Season 11]] a social media intern for the Seattle Sneakers posted from a team account that "boat shoes are stupid" and "who needs special shoes just to walk on a boat? lol"
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[[File:HellmouthIVSeasonsQuantileGraph_SS.png|800px]]
  
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The post gathered intense interest and had several hundred thousand likes within 24 hours. The social media intern was rapidly promoted to Assistant General Manager of the Seattle Sneakers.
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===Summary===
  
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===Fresh Kicks Crown Revived===
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{{Tl|HellmouthIVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}
  
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In [[Season 16]] the {{CTeam|FF}} joined the Golly league as an expansion team. The Seattle Sneakers posted on social media that they thought the Freshrolls toilet paper logo was "fresh" and the post received several hundred thousand likes within 24 hours.
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{{SeasonBySeason HellmouthIVCup SS}}
  
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The Sneakers and Freshrolls entered into an anti-rivalry, which the Sneakers suggested they call the "Fresh Kicks Crown". The Freshrolls eagerly agreed, and the entire anti-rivalry was already well-established by the time the Boat Shoes heard about it. The Boat Shoes were incensed, and complained loudly on social media in the hopes the Sneakers would see it, but the Sneakers never saw it because they had blocked the Boat Shoes a long time ago.
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=Hellmouth V Cup=
  
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==Season by Season Summary==
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==History==
  
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===Hellmouth Cup===
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==Seattle in the Hellmouth V Cup==
  
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* In [[Season 1]] the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the [[Leagues|Cold  League]]. They were knocked out in the Cold League Division Series by the {{CTeam|LBFB}}.
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===Performance Chart===
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* In [[Season 4]] the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League. They were knocked out in the Cold League Division Series by the {{CTeam|BTX}}.
 
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* In [[Season 7]] the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League. They were knocked out in the Cold League Division Series by the {{CTeam|FWPT}}.
 
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* In [[Season 8]] the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League. They won the Cold League Pennant over the {{CTeam|BTX}}, but lost in the [[Hellmouth Cup]] to the {{CTeam|AA}}.
 
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* In [[Season 11]] the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League, but lost to the {{CTeam|FWPT}} (the eventual champions) in the Cold League Championship Series.
 
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* In [[Season 13]] the Seattle Sneakers were the #2 seed in the Cold League, but lost to the {{CTeam|EA}} in the Cold League Championship Series.
 
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* In [[Season 15]] the Seattle Sneakers were the #1 seed in the Cold League, but lost to the {{CTeam|LBFB}} in the Cold League Division Series.
 
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* In [[Season 21]] the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League, but lost to the {{CTeam|LBFB}} in the Cold League Division Series.
 
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* In [[Season 22]] the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League. They won the Cold League Pennant over their anti-rivals the {{CTeam|OSHA}}, but lost to the {{CTeam|ORL}} in the [[Hellmouth Cup]] series.
 
  
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==Art==
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[[File:HellmouthVSeasonsQuantileGraph_SS.png|800px]]
  
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===Logos===
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===Summary===
  
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Seattle Sneakers team logo:
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{{Tl|HellmouthVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}
  
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[[Image:SeattleSneakers_Logo.png|500px]]
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{{SeasonBySeason HellmouthVCup SS}}
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=Hellmouth VI Cup=
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==History==
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==Seattle in the Hellmouth VI Cup==
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===Performance Chart===
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[[File:HellmouthVISeasonsQuantileGraph_SS.png|800px]]
  
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===Season 8 Hellmouth Cup Poster===
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===Summary===
  
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[[Image:Season8_HellmouthCup_Poster.png|500px]]
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{{Tl|HellmouthVIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}
  
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==Navboxes==
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{{SeasonBySeason HellmouthVICup SS}}
  
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{{Navbox golly teams}}
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=Art=
  
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{{Navbox rainbow teams}}
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==Logos==
  
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==Navboxes==
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[[Image:SeattleSneakers_Logo.png|500px]]
  
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{{Navbox golly teams}}
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=Navboxes=
  
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{{Navbox rainbow teams}}
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{{Navbox hellmouth vi teams}}
  
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[[Category:Teams]]
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{{SSTeamCategories}}
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[[Category:Hellmouth Cup]]
 
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[[Category:Toroidal Cup]]
 
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[[Category:Rainbow Cup]]
 
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[[Category:SS]]
 

Latest revision as of 02:23, 23 November 2025

Seattle Sneakers
Seattle Sneakers logo
"Don't Look Down"
Team Information
Name Seattle Sneakers
Abbreviation SS
Nickname Sneaks
Primary Color #e86215
Secondary Color #000000
Logo  SS.png 
Hometown Seattle
Stadium The Slurve
Emoji 👟
Status Active
Rivalry Crowns
Favorites
Integer 1,234
Divination
Element Air
Power Word Cool
Card J♦
Motto
Sine metu
(Without fear)
 
Template:Infobox team   •   edit
 

The SS.png Seattle Sneakers (The Sneaks) are a Golly team from Seattle, Washington. They joined the Hellmouth Cup in Season 1.

The Sneakers' major arcana is The High Priestess; they have a deep spiritual connection to the Underworld and frequently pass between the Realm of the Living and the Realm of the Dead.

The Sneakers are known for being fearless in the face of danger, courageous when all others lose heart, and never willing to hear what the odds are.

In their very first Golly game, against the SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals , the SS.png Seattle Sneakers shot Gilbert the Albatross, a rare, benevolent pattern that appeared during the match. Though the Sneakers won the match, they would struggle in the ensuing seasons to make it to the Cup series, and failed to win the series in their two appearances. It was not until Season 22 that the Sneakers discovered they were marked with the Curse of the Ancient Mariner for shooting Gilbert the Albatross.

Hellmouth Cup

History

The Curse of the Ancient Mariner

On the very first day of Golly, in the very first game ever played by the SS.png Seattle Sneakers (GollyLogoTransparent.png 14d8af13-a6aa-4c50-895d-a098ee47f6f6), something happened that would come to haunt the Sneakers for the rest of their existence. And that was the shooting of Gilbert the Albatross.

 
 

'God save thee, ancient Mariner!
From the fiends, that plague thee thus! -
Why look'st thou so?' — With my cross-bow
I shot the ALBATROSS.

-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge, "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner"

 
 

Sometime during that match between the SS.png Seattle Sneakers and the SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals , the Sneakers were at a critical point in their formation, when a rare, benevolent pattern known as Gilbert the Albatross formed on the grid. Gilbert was a neutral, distinctive oscillator rarely found in the wild: mathematically perfect, and a signal of a "good south wind" (strong momentum carrying a team to victory) in the simulator.

Rather than let the pattern pass, or using its wake to build a stable defense, the Sneakers - aggressively living up to their Sine metu (without fear) motto - targeted the anomaly, firing at it with a glider from a cross-bow. Gilbert the Albatross was rapidly dismantled into spare cells to fuel a temporary rush, and Seattle won their match - but inadvertently killed the luck that made the breeze blow. Killing Gilbert the Albatross marked the Sneakers team with a curse, that whenever they would reach the precipice of a championship, the wind beneath their sails would mysteriously die, their patterns would stagnate, and they would slowly twist in the wind until the inevitable decay of their patterns.

By the end of the Hellmouth Cup, the Sneakers had lost both of the two Hellmouth Cup series they had reached, and had made several early exits from the postseason, despite high hopes and expectations. Their Cup loss to the ORL.png Orlando Business Majors in Season 22 led the team to do some soul-searching. It was then, in the aftermath of their second Cup loss, while reviewing footage of past matches in the film room, that they first came across the footage of Gilbert the Albatross being cut down, and realized the source of their postseason woes: they had been cursed by Gilbert.

 
 

Instead of the cross, the Albatross
About my neck was hung.

-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge, "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner"

 
 

Seattle in the Hellmouth Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

HellmouthSeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}

  • In Season 1 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 3 the Seattle Sneakers did not reach the postseason.
    • They narrowly missed the postseason by losing the tiebreaker to the TB.png Tucson Butchers .
  • In Season 4 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 7 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 8 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 9 the Seattle Sneakers did not reach the postseason.
    • They were the first Cold League team to be eliminated from the postseason (Partytime) on day 46.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 10 the Seattle Sneakers did not reach the postseason.
    • They narrowly missed the postseason by losing the tiebreaker to the BTX.png Baltimore Texas .
  • In Season 11 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 12 the Seattle Sneakers did not reach the postseason.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 13 the Seattle Sneakers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 15 the Seattle Sneakers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 16 the Seattle Sneakers did not reach the postseason.
    • They were the first Cold League team to be eliminated from the postseason (Partytime) on day 45.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 18 the Seattle Sneakers did not reach the postseason.
    • They narrowly missed the postseason by losing the tiebreaker to the BTX.png Baltimore Texas .
  • In Season 20 the Seattle Sneakers did not reach the postseason.
    • They were the first Cold League team to be eliminated from the postseason (Partytime) on day 47.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 21 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 22 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.


Promotional Posters

Season8 HellmouthCup Poster.png

Season22 HellmouthCup Poster.png

Toroidal Cup

History

Texas Murder Coalition

In Toroidal/Season 20, there was some buzz around the league about the possibility of the Commissioner announcing a new Choke Artist: the SS.png Seattle Sneakers . The Curse of the Ancient Mariner had cemented itself into their lore, and the Sneakers, thirsty for a Cup series victory, knew this could be their final do-or-die opportunity. The Sneakers delivered, sweeping the FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls in the first round, sweeping the EA.png Elko Astronauts in the second round, and shutting down the ORL.png Orlando Business Majors in 5 efficient games.

In the final moments after the Sneakers were celebrating their victory, the Commissioner had appear to them from the static, like an apparition, and presented the Sneakers with a choice: Cake or Death? The Sneakers shouted "Cake!" - and the Commissioner disappeared just as quickly as they had appeared. Later, the Sneakers learned that the BTX.png Baltimore Texas had been presented with the remaining option, Or Death, and was subsequently incinerated as part of the Cancel Texas Memo.

After all of these events had taken place, and documented, and discussed, and digested, everyone in the league began to afford a certain level of respect to teams who had been involved in the incineration of the Texas. This informal ranking was later studied and formalized by Goober Boylston in a "Boylston on Boylston Violence" column. The ranking was dubbed the Texas Murder Coalition, and consists of teams who participated in the postseason bracket of Toroidal/Season 20, directly or indirectly, and who as a consequence led to the Seattle Sneakers winning the Toroidal Cup, being presented with the choice of Cake or Death, and leaving the Baltimore Texas to their fate of Or Death.

The list, in order of culpability/veneration:

  1. SS.png Seattle Sneakers

  1. ORL.png Orlando Business Majors
  2. EA.png Elko Astronauts
  3. DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells
  4. FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls
  5. LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds
  6. BB.png Boylston Boogers
  7. ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks
  8. OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations

Seattle in the Toroidal Cup Season by Season

Chart

ToroidalSeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{ToroidalRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}


Promotional Posters

ToroidalSeason2 Poster.png

ToroidalSeason20 Poster.png

Rainbow Cup

History

Seattle in the Rainbow Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

RainbowSeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{RainbowRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}


Klein Cup

History

Seattle in the Klein Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

KleinSeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{KleinRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}


Hellmouth II Cup

History

Seattle in the Hellmouth II Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthIISeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}


Hellmouth III Cup

History

Seattle in the Hellmouth III Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

HellmouthIIISeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}


Hellmouth IV Cup

History

Seattle in the Hellmouth IV Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthIVSeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}


Hellmouth V Cup

History

Seattle in the Hellmouth V Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthVSeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}


Hellmouth VI Cup

History

Seattle in the Hellmouth VI Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthVISeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthVIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}


Art

Logos

SeattleSneakers Logo.png

Navboxes

Hellmouth VI League Teams

Hellmouth IV Cup logo

Hellmouth VI Cup
Teams 		Cold Fire Division

BTX2.png Baltimore Texas II

EA.png Elko Astronauts

LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds

SLC.png Salt Lake Turbulence

SS.png Seattle Sneakers

Cold Water Division

FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls

TB.png Tucson Butchers

ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks

SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals

SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers

Hot Fire Division

VV.png Vegas Vampires

DET.png Detroit Grape Chews

MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos

SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes

FFF.png Fargo Flea Flickers

Hot Water Division

AA.png Alewife Arsonists

BB.png Boylston Boogers

DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells

SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers

OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations

Navbox Info:
Template:Navbox hellmouth vi teams   •   edit
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