Difference between revisions of "Seattle Sneakers"

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==History==
 
==History==
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===Texas Murder Coalition===
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{{ToroidalTexasMurderCoalitionFragment}}
  
 
==Seattle in the Toroidal Cup Season by Season==
 
==Seattle in the Toroidal Cup Season by Season==

Latest revision as of 02:23, 23 November 2025

Seattle Sneakers
Seattle Sneakers logo
"Don't Look Down"
Team Information
Name Seattle Sneakers
Abbreviation SS
Nickname Sneaks
Primary Color #e86215
Secondary Color #000000
Logo  SS.png 
Hometown Seattle
Stadium The Slurve
Emoji 👟
Status Active
Rivalry Crowns
Favorites
Integer 1,234
Divination
Element Air
Power Word Cool
Card J♦
Motto
Sine metu
(Without fear)
 
Template:Infobox team   •   edit
 

The SS.png Seattle Sneakers (The Sneaks) are a Golly team from Seattle, Washington. They joined the Hellmouth Cup in Season 1.

The Sneakers' major arcana is The High Priestess; they have a deep spiritual connection to the Underworld and frequently pass between the Realm of the Living and the Realm of the Dead.

The Sneakers are known for being fearless in the face of danger, courageous when all others lose heart, and never willing to hear what the odds are.

In their very first Golly game, against the SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals , the SS.png Seattle Sneakers shot Gilbert the Albatross, a rare, benevolent pattern that appeared during the match. Though the Sneakers won the match, they would struggle in the ensuing seasons to make it to the Cup series, and failed to win the series in their two appearances. It was not until Season 22 that the Sneakers discovered they were marked with the Curse of the Ancient Mariner for shooting Gilbert the Albatross.

Hellmouth Cup

History

The Curse of the Ancient Mariner

On the very first day of Golly, in the very first game ever played by the SS.png Seattle Sneakers (GollyLogoTransparent.png 14d8af13-a6aa-4c50-895d-a098ee47f6f6), something happened that would come to haunt the Sneakers for the rest of their existence. And that was the shooting of Gilbert the Albatross.

 
 

'God save thee, ancient Mariner!
From the fiends, that plague thee thus! -
Why look'st thou so?' — With my cross-bow
I shot the ALBATROSS.

-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge, "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner"

 
 

Sometime during that match between the SS.png Seattle Sneakers and the SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals , the Sneakers were at a critical point in their formation, when a rare, benevolent pattern known as Gilbert the Albatross formed on the grid. Gilbert was a neutral, distinctive oscillator rarely found in the wild: mathematically perfect, and a signal of a "good south wind" (strong momentum carrying a team to victory) in the simulator.

Rather than let the pattern pass, or using its wake to build a stable defense, the Sneakers - aggressively living up to their Sine metu (without fear) motto - targeted the anomaly, firing at it with a glider from a cross-bow. Gilbert the Albatross was rapidly dismantled into spare cells to fuel a temporary rush, and Seattle won their match - but inadvertently killed the luck that made the breeze blow. Killing Gilbert the Albatross marked the Sneakers team with a curse, that whenever they would reach the precipice of a championship, the wind beneath their sails would mysteriously die, their patterns would stagnate, and they would slowly twist in the wind until the inevitable decay of their patterns.

By the end of the Hellmouth Cup, the Sneakers had lost both of the two Hellmouth Cup series they had reached, and had made several early exits from the postseason, despite high hopes and expectations. Their Cup loss to the ORL.png Orlando Business Majors in Season 22 led the team to do some soul-searching. It was then, in the aftermath of their second Cup loss, while reviewing footage of past matches in the film room, that they first came across the footage of Gilbert the Albatross being cut down, and realized the source of their postseason woes: they had been cursed by Gilbert.

 
 

Instead of the cross, the Albatross
About my neck was hung.

-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge, "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner"

 
 

Seattle in the Hellmouth Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

HellmouthSeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}

  • In Season 1 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 3 the Seattle Sneakers did not reach the postseason.
    • They narrowly missed the postseason by losing the tiebreaker to the TB.png Tucson Butchers .
  • In Season 4 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 7 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 8 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 9 the Seattle Sneakers did not reach the postseason.
    • They were the first Cold League team to be eliminated from the postseason (Partytime) on day 46.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 10 the Seattle Sneakers did not reach the postseason.
    • They narrowly missed the postseason by losing the tiebreaker to the BTX.png Baltimore Texas .
  • In Season 11 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 12 the Seattle Sneakers did not reach the postseason.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 13 the Seattle Sneakers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 15 the Seattle Sneakers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 16 the Seattle Sneakers did not reach the postseason.
    • They were the first Cold League team to be eliminated from the postseason (Partytime) on day 45.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 18 the Seattle Sneakers did not reach the postseason.
    • They narrowly missed the postseason by losing the tiebreaker to the BTX.png Baltimore Texas .
  • In Season 20 the Seattle Sneakers did not reach the postseason.
    • They were the first Cold League team to be eliminated from the postseason (Partytime) on day 47.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 21 the Seattle Sneakers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 22 the Seattle Sneakers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.


Promotional Posters

Season8 HellmouthCup Poster.png

Season22 HellmouthCup Poster.png

Toroidal Cup

History

Texas Murder Coalition

In Toroidal/Season 20, there was some buzz around the league about the possibility of the Commissioner announcing a new Choke Artist: the SS.png Seattle Sneakers . The Curse of the Ancient Mariner had cemented itself into their lore, and the Sneakers, thirsty for a Cup series victory, knew this could be their final do-or-die opportunity. The Sneakers delivered, sweeping the FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls in the first round, sweeping the EA.png Elko Astronauts in the second round, and shutting down the ORL.png Orlando Business Majors in 5 efficient games.

In the final moments after the Sneakers were celebrating their victory, the Commissioner had appear to them from the static, like an apparition, and presented the Sneakers with a choice: Cake or Death? The Sneakers shouted "Cake!" - and the Commissioner disappeared just as quickly as they had appeared. Later, the Sneakers learned that the BTX.png Baltimore Texas had been presented with the remaining option, Or Death, and was subsequently incinerated as part of the Cancel Texas Memo.

After all of these events had taken place, and documented, and discussed, and digested, everyone in the league began to afford a certain level of respect to teams who had been involved in the incineration of the Texas. This informal ranking was later studied and formalized by Goober Boylston in a "Boylston on Boylston Violence" column. The ranking was dubbed the Texas Murder Coalition, and consists of teams who participated in the postseason bracket of Toroidal/Season 20, directly or indirectly, and who as a consequence led to the Seattle Sneakers winning the Toroidal Cup, being presented with the choice of Cake or Death, and leaving the Baltimore Texas to their fate of Or Death.

The list, in order of culpability/veneration:

  1. SS.png Seattle Sneakers

  1. ORL.png Orlando Business Majors
  2. EA.png Elko Astronauts
  3. DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells
  4. FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls
  5. LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds
  6. BB.png Boylston Boogers
  7. ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks
  8. OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations

Seattle in the Toroidal Cup Season by Season

Chart

ToroidalSeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{ToroidalRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}


Promotional Posters

ToroidalSeason2 Poster.png

ToroidalSeason20 Poster.png

Rainbow Cup

History

Seattle in the Rainbow Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

RainbowSeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{RainbowRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}


Klein Cup

History

Seattle in the Klein Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

KleinSeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{KleinRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}


Hellmouth II Cup

History

Seattle in the Hellmouth II Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthIISeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}


Hellmouth III Cup

History

Seattle in the Hellmouth III Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

HellmouthIIISeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}


Hellmouth IV Cup

History

Seattle in the Hellmouth IV Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthIVSeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}


Hellmouth V Cup

History

Seattle in the Hellmouth V Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthVSeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}


Hellmouth VI Cup

History

Seattle in the Hellmouth VI Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthVISeasonsQuantileGraph SS.png

Summary

{{HellmouthVIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron SS}}


Art

Logos

SeattleSneakers Logo.png

Navboxes

Hellmouth VI League Teams

Hellmouth IV Cup logo

Hellmouth VI Cup
Teams 		Cold Fire Division

BTX2.png Baltimore Texas II

EA.png Elko Astronauts

LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds

SLC.png Salt Lake Turbulence

SS.png Seattle Sneakers

Cold Water Division

FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls

TB.png Tucson Butchers

ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks

SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals

SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers

Hot Fire Division

VV.png Vegas Vampires

DET.png Detroit Grape Chews

MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos

SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes

FFF.png Fargo Flea Flickers

Hot Water Division

AA.png Alewife Arsonists

BB.png Boylston Boogers

DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells

SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers

OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations

Navbox Info:
Template:Navbox hellmouth vi teams   •   edit
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