Ft. Worth Piano Tuners

The Ft. Worth Piano Tuners are a Golly team from Ft. Worth, Texas. Despite their name, the Piano Tuners are infamous for their tone-deafness. They are completely unable to keep a tune, old a note, or keep time to even the most basic beat. The Piano Tuners are also, somehow, completely unaware of their musical inabilities.

During Toroidal/Season 16 the Piano Tuners became embroiled in a hacking scandal that would eventually bring down the entire franchise. An investigation revealed that the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners had partnered with the Delaware Corporate Shells to create shell companies to sell backdoored random number generators to Golly's E Division, enabling the Piano Tuners to manipulate the outcome of the Toroidal/Season 15 season (in which the Piano Tuners had won the championship over the Sacramento Boot Lickers ).

Tampering with the random number generators in Toroidal/Season 15 led to dire consequences for Toroidal/Season 16. The biggest inadvertent (and unexplained) consequence of tampering with the random number generators was that the normally-obsequious Sacramento Boot Lickers became extremely nasty for precisely one season, ruthlessly crushing their opponents while steamrolling their way to a playoffs spot in a manner that was completely the opposite of their prior character.

The Toroidal/Season 16 Toroidal Cup series was a rematch between these Nasty Boot Lickers, out for revenge, and the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners , defending champions who had only been able to win by cheating - and who had now completely lost control of the simulator's random number generation. The Piano Tuners were nearly eviscerated by the eventual champions, the Sacramento Boot Lickers .

In Toroidal/Season 20 the Commissioner's Office released the Cancel Texas Memo, which announced the cancellation of Texas in Golly. The Baltimore Texas were incinerated, and the Piano Tuners given the ultimate humiliating fate: to take on the team colors and hometown of their bitter Texas Crown rivals, the Baltimore Texas . While not directly related to the events of the Piano Tuners Hacking Scandal, it is widely recognized that the Piano Tuners were intentionally not incinerated and relegated to the most humiliating fate possible as a result of their Toroidal/Season 15 hubris.

Ft. Worth Piano Tuners
"Tuned up!"
Team Information
Name Ft. Worth Piano Tuners Abbreviation FWPT Primary Color #ef6f6c Logo    Hometown Ft. Worth Emoji Status Active
Rivalry Crowns
None
Favorites
Divination
Motto
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Team Character

Formation in Amateur Leagues

Prior to joining the Golly league as a professional splorts team, the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were previously known as the Dallas Piano Movers, a pick-up league of amateur Golly enthusiasts who played intramural cellular automata games on weekends. When Golly was announced, the Piano Movers formed a franchise and moved to Ft. Worth, rebranding themselves as the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners.

Piano Tuners in the Toroidal Cup

Cancel Texas Memo

Main: Cancel Texas Memo

Season by Season Summary

Hellmouth Cup Summary

• In Season 2 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners had an historic winning season and entered the postseason as the #1 seed in the Cold League. They were knocked out by their Texas Crown rivals the Baltimore Texas in the Cold League Division Series.
• In Season 4 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were the first to Partytime in the Cold League on Day 48.
• In Season 5 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were the first to Partytime in the Cold League on Day 45.
• In Season 6 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were the #2 seed in the Cold League. They were knocked out in the Cold League Championship Series by the San Diego Balloon Animals .
• In Season 7 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were the #4 seed in the Cold League. They were knocked out in the Cold League Championship Series by the Long Beach Flightless Birds .
• In Season 8 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were the first to Partytime on Day 45.
• In Season 10 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were the first to Partytime on Day 45, together with the San Diego Balloon Animals .
• In Season 11 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were the #4 seed in the Cold League. They won the Cold League pennant and went on to win their first-ever Hellmouth Cup championship over the Alewife Arsonists .
• In Season 12 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were the #4 seed in the Cold League. They were knocked out in the Cold League Division Series by the Baltimore Texas .
• In Season 14 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were the #3 seed in the Cold League. They won the Cold League pennant but lost in the Hellmouth Cup series to the Sacramento Boot Lickers .
• In Season 15 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were the #3 seed in the Cold League. They won the Cold League pennant and went on to win the Hellmouth Cup series against the Delaware Corporate Shells .
• In Season 17 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were the #3 seed in the Cold League. They won the Cold League pennant but lost in the Hellmouth Cup series to the Orlando Business Majors .
• In Season 18 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were the first to Partytime on Day 47, together with the Tucson Butchers .
• In Season 19 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were the #2 seed in the Cold League. They clinched the Cold League pennant in a narrow victory over their Texas Crown rivals the Baltimore Texas , but lost in the Hellmouth Cup to the Alewife Arsonists .
• In Season 22 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were the #1 seed in the Cold League. They were knocked out in the Cold League Division Series by the Jersey OSHA Violations .
• In Season 23 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were the #1 seed in the Cold League. They were knocked out in the Cold League Division Series by the Salt Lake Turbulence .
• In Season 24 the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners were the #1 seed in the Cold League. They were knocked out in the Cold League Division Series by the Tucson Butchers .

Team Fight Song

The Ft. Worth Piano Tuners selected the song "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" as their fight song during their historic Season 2 winning streak. The fan section of their home stadium began sinning the fight song during the playoffs, and to this day there are still some hungry, cold, and dedicated fans who live in the stadium and maintain round the clock vigils to finish the song. They have lost count approximately 27 times.

Party Animals

The Ft. Worth Piano Tuners have established themselves as the Party Animals of Golly, reaching Partytime more often than any other team.

Logo and Art

The Artists Union was commissioned to make a poster for the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners after their Season 14 League Division Series victory over the Baltimore Texas. Unfortunately, no one in the Artists Union was aware that no players on the Ft. Worth Piano Tuners have any musical talent whatsoever.

When the poster was unveiled to the team, most of them stood and stared at it, confused. A few asked what "sight reading" was. Fortunately no artists were present for the unveiling. It was a sordid affair all around.

Season 11 Hellmouth Cup Poster

Season 14 Hellmouth Cup Poster

Season 15 Hellmouth Cup Poster

Season 17 Hellmouth Cup Poster

Season 19 Hellmouth Cup Poster

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