Difference between revisions of "Long Beach Flightless Birds"

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{{HellmouthSaltonSeaCrownFragment}}
 
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===The Stop Hitting Yourself Protocol===
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==Long Beach in the Hellmouth Cup Season by Season==
 
==Long Beach in the Hellmouth Cup Season by Season==

Revision as of 16:02, 30 November 2025

Long Beach Flightless Birds
Long Beach Flightless Birds logo
"Wild. Dumb. Free."
Team Information
Name Long Beach Flightless Birds
Abbreviation LBFB
Nickname The Birds, Black and Tan
Primary Color #f2c57c
Secondary Color #000000
Logo  LBFB.png 
Hometown Long Beach
Stadium Port of Los Angeles, Parking Lot C
Emoji 🦃
Status Active
Rivalry Crowns
Favorites
Mixtape 🦃 Long Beach 🦃 Flightless Birds 🦃
Integer 562
Movie Dumb and Dumber
Divination
Element Earth
Power Word Wild Dumb Free
Card 6♥
Motto
Omnia adscendentia convergunt
(Everything that rises must converge)
 
Template:Infobox team   •   edit
 

The LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds (The Birds) are a Golly team from Long Beach, California. The Flightless Birds are most famous for being the first ever Hellmouth Cup champions. The Long Beach Flightless Birds are truly an embodiment of their team motto: "Wild. Dumb. Free."

The Birds form half of the league's longest-running interleague rivalry, the Surf and Turf Crown (the SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes are the other half). They also have an intense ongoing rivalry with the TB.png Tucson Butchers (the Salton Sea Crown), which was sparked by repeated League Championship Series matchups. The Birds had a very bitter and antagonistic relationship with the FWPT.png Ft. Worth Piano Tuners (later the BPT.png Baltimore Piano Tuners ) until the Piano Tuners were incinerated. To this day, the Birds insist that they had nothing to do with that particular incineration.

Hellmouth Cup

History

Salton Sea Crown Formation

During Season 10 of the Hellmouth Cup, when the LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds met the TB.png Tucson Butchers in the Cold League championship for the third time, the two teams were starting to get tired of each other. The championship series got particularly ugly, with the Butchers desperate to reach the Hellmouth Cup to meet their newfound lovers, the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos . This rivalry was dubbed the Salton Sea Crown.

The two teams meet annually at the Salton Sea, which is the most significant landmark between Long Beach and Tucson that could be agreed upon, for an awards ceremony and festivities.

The Stop Hitting Yourself Protocol

After losing Game 1 of the Season 19 LDS, and realizing they were out-matched and out-classed by the LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds , the FWPT.png Ft. Worth Piano Tuners decided to annoy them to death to win the series. The Flightless Birds, an entity built on dignity and rhythm, were unprepared for the Tuners weaponized immaturity and were psychologically dismantled. the Tuners threw a gigantic, Texas-sized tantrum that lasted from the moment Game 2 started to the moment Game 5 ended. It was a non-stop string of childish behavior that overwhelmed the Bird and nearly pushed the simulator to a breaking point. The Tuners employed several tactics, including freezing in confusion and staring blankly at the Birds - Was there a whistle? Was there a server error? Why are they staring at us like that? - and in that split second of hesitation, the Tuners would break their own stillness with a violent, sucker-punch glider stream, sneaking formations past the Birds and racking up critical go-ahead points while the Birds were still buffering. The moves were technically legal, but entirely unsportsmanlike, and infuriatingly effective.

The Tuners also employed an echo chamber: Whenever the Flightless Birds attempted to communicate or coordinate data ("Shift left!", "Cycle up!"), the Tuners immediately rebroadcast the signal back on a slightly delayed, higher-pitched frequency: "Shift left - er, right? Shift right? Cycle up? Cycle - cycle down?" They flooded the grid with chirps - "Hey bud! Shift down? Shift up? Hot dogs? What?" - until no one could hear or understand anything in the cacophony. The Tuners also clogged the Birds' comms channels with the digital equivalent of "What? What? Huh? I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you." They picked fights after every whistle. They flopped. They whined. And somehow, it all worked.

The Piano Tuners' victory was sealed with weaponized, petty pestering. When the final horn sounded in Game 4, and the Tuners secured their 3-1 series win, there was no applause. The Flightless Birds left the grid in disgusted silence. The exhausted referees were relieved the tantrums were finally over. The Commissioner had a terrible headache and refused to take any calls for a week. Even the Piano Tuners' own fans seemed embarrassed as they shuffled out of the stadium. The Tuners had advanced to a (no-lose) Texas Crown LCS showdown against the BTX.png Baltimore Texas , the infamous Cold League Choke Artists, but they arrived with zero dignity.

Season 19 Cold League Division Series Results Table
FWPT.png Ft. Worth Piano Tuners vs. LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds

  Winner W Score Margin L Score Loser Generations Link
Game 1 Long Beach Flightless Birds 242 72.73% 66 Ft. Worth Piano Tuners 1,857 GollyLogoTransparent.png e71ca63a-c808-434f-af66-afe992ec4326
Game 2 Ft. Worth Piano Tuners 168 75.60% 41 Long Beach Flightless Birds 1,739 GollyLogoTransparent.png 4871db16-792b-4fd3-a522-b90984d07bff
Game 3 Ft. Worth Piano Tuners 241 69.71% 73 Long Beach Flightless Birds 2,742 GollyLogoTransparent.png 5fee7df2-0cb3-45db-92fe-67838f4adf9a
Game 4 Ft. Worth Piano Tuners 193 40.41% 115 Long Beach Flightless Birds 1,188 GollyLogoTransparent.png f18706fa-31d2-4a7a-9900-c071c5c09fe0

Long Beach in the Hellmouth Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

HellmouthSeasonsQuantileGraph LBFB.png

Summary

{{HellmouthRankList SeasonAllTime Chron LBFB}}

  • In Season 1 the Long Beach Flightless Birds were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 2 the Long Beach Flightless Birds did not reach the postseason.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 3 the Long Beach Flightless Birds were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 4 the Long Beach Flightless Birds were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 6 the Long Beach Flightless Birds did not reach the postseason.
    • They narrowly missed the postseason by losing the tiebreaker to the BTX.png Baltimore Texas .
  • In Season 7 the Long Beach Flightless Birds were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 9 the Long Beach Flightless Birds were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 10 the Long Beach Flightless Birds were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 11 the Long Beach Flightless Birds did not reach the postseason.
  • In Season 12 the Long Beach Flightless Birds were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 14 the Long Beach Flightless Birds did not reach the postseason.
    • They were the first Cold League team to be eliminated from the postseason (Partytime) on day 41.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 15 the Long Beach Flightless Birds were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 17 the Long Beach Flightless Birds were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 18 the Long Beach Flightless Birds were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 19 the Long Beach Flightless Birds were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 20 the Long Beach Flightless Birds were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 21 the Long Beach Flightless Birds were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 22 the Long Beach Flightless Birds did not reach the postseason.
    • They were the first Cold League team to be eliminated from the postseason (Partytime) on day 47.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 23 the Long Beach Flightless Birds were the #2 seed in the Cold League.


Promotional Posters

  • Season1 HellmouthCup Poster.png
  • Season4 HellmouthCup Poster.png
  • Season7 HellmouthCup Poster.png
  • Season18 HellmouthCup Poster.png
  • Season20 HellmouthCup Poster.png
  • Season23 HellmouthCup Poster.png

Toroidal Cup

History

Double Pennant Revenge Reversal

The LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds Double Pennant Revenge Reversal was a sequence of Cold League pennant winners (Flightless Birds, Turbulence, Flightless Birds, Balloon Animals) in the Toroidal Cup from Toroidal/Season 11 through Toroidal/Season 14. The sequence is called a Double Revenge Reversal in reference to the fact that both Season 11/12 and Season 13/14 were rematches with reversed outcomes.

In Toroidal/Season 11, the LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds beat the SLC.png Salt Lake Turbulence in the LCS 3 games to 1, and defeated the Boogers in the Toroidal Cup.

In Toroidal/Season 12, the SLC.png Salt Lake Turbulence beat the LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds in the LCS 3 games to 1, and defeated the Business Majors in the Toroidal Cup.

In Toroidal/Season 13, the LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds swept the SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals in the LCS 3 games to 0, and defeated the Boot Lickers in the Toroidal Cup.

In Toroidal/Season 14, the SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals swept the LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds in the LCS 3 games to 0, and defeated the Corporate Shells in the Toroidal Cup.

Texas Murder Coalition

In Toroidal/Season 20, there was some buzz around the league about the possibility of the Commissioner announcing a new Choke Artist: the SS.png Seattle Sneakers . The Curse of the Ancient Mariner had cemented itself into their lore, and the Sneakers, thirsty for a Cup series victory, knew this could be their final do-or-die opportunity. The Sneakers delivered, sweeping the FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls in the first round, sweeping the EA.png Elko Astronauts in the second round, and shutting down the ORL.png Orlando Business Majors in 5 efficient games.

In the final moments after the Sneakers were celebrating their victory, the Commissioner had appear to them from the static, like an apparition, and presented the Sneakers with a choice: Cake or Death? The Sneakers shouted "Cake!" - and the Commissioner disappeared just as quickly as they had appeared. Later, the Sneakers learned that the BTX.png Baltimore Texas had been presented with the remaining option, Or Death, and was subsequently incinerated as part of the Cancel Texas Memo.

After all of these events had taken place, and documented, and discussed, and digested, everyone in the league began to afford a certain level of respect to teams who had been involved in the incineration of the Texas. This informal ranking was later studied and formalized by Goober Boylston in a "Boylston on Boylston Violence" column. The ranking was dubbed the Texas Murder Coalition, and consists of teams who participated in the postseason bracket of Toroidal/Season 20, directly or indirectly, and who as a consequence led to the Seattle Sneakers winning the Toroidal Cup, being presented with the choice of Cake or Death, and leaving the Baltimore Texas to their fate of Or Death.

The list, in order of culpability/veneration:

  1. SS.png Seattle Sneakers
  2. ORL.png Orlando Business Majors
  3. EA.png Elko Astronauts
  4. DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells
  5. FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls
  6. LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds

  1. BB.png Boylston Boogers
  2. ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks
  3. OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations

Long Beach in the Toroidal Cup Season by Season

Chart

ToroidalSeasonsQuantileGraph LBFB.png

Summary

{{ToroidalRankList SeasonAllTime Chron LBFB}}


Promotional Posters

  • ToroidalSeason4 Poster.png
  • ToroidalSeason11 Poster.png
  • ToroidalSeason18 Poster.png

Rainbow Cup

History

Long Beach in the Rainbow Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

RainbowSeasonsQuantileGraph LBFB.png

Summary

{{RainbowRankList SeasonAllTime Chron LBFB}}


Klein Cup

History

Long Beach in the Klein Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

KleinSeasonsQuantileGraph LBFB.png

Summary

{{KleinRankList SeasonAllTime Chron LBFB}}


Hellmouth II Cup

History

Long Beach in the Hellmouth II Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthIISeasonsQuantileGraph LBFB.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron LBFB}}


Hellmouth III Cup

History

Long Beach in the Hellmouth III Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

HellmouthIIISeasonsQuantileGraph LBFB.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron LBFB}}


Hellmouth IV Cup

History

Long Beach in the Hellmouth IV Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthIVSeasonsQuantileGraph LBFB.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron LBFB}}


Hellmouth V Cup

History

Long Beach in the Hellmouth V Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthVSeasonsQuantileGraph LBFB.png

Summary

{{HellmouthVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron LBFB}}


Hellmouth VI Cup

History

Long Beach in the Hellmouth VI Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthVISeasonsQuantileGraph LBFB.png

Summary

{{HellmouthVIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron LBFB}}


Navboxes

Hellmouth VI League Teams

Hellmouth IV Cup logo

Hellmouth VI Cup
Teams 		Cold Fire Division

BTX2.png Baltimore Texas II

EA.png Elko Astronauts

LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds

SLC.png Salt Lake Turbulence

SS.png Seattle Sneakers

Cold Water Division

FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls

TB.png Tucson Butchers

ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks

SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals

SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers

Hot Fire Division

VV.png Vegas Vampires

DET.png Detroit Grape Chews

MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos

SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes

FFF.png Fargo Flea Flickers

Hot Water Division

AA.png Alewife Arsonists

BB.png Boylston Boogers

DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells

SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers

OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations

Navbox Info:
Template:Navbox hellmouth vi teams   •   edit
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