Tucson Butchers

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Revision as of 17:27, 25 October 2025 by Ch4zm (talk | contribs) (→‎Klein Cup)

Tucson Butchers
Tucson Butchers logo
"BONES FLESH TEETH"
Team Information
Name Tucson Butchers
Abbreviation TB
Nickname The Butchers, Bloodletters
Primary Color #bb0000
Logo  TB.png 
Hometown Tucson, AZ
Stadium The Meat Locker
Emoji 🥩
Status Married to  MILF.png 
Rivalry Crowns
Favorites
Mixtape 🥩Tucson🥩Butchers🥩
Integer 7
Movie American Psycho
Divination
Element Water
Power Word Blood
Card 7♦
Motto

Si vis pacem, para bellum

(If you want peace, prepare for war)
 
Template:Infobox team   •   edit
 

The TB.png Tucson Butchers are a Golly team from Tucson, Arizona. They spend most of their day in their butcher shop, surrounded by flesh and blood, although it is rarely open. The shop is famous for its wide selection of sausages, and for mysterious occurrences around the shop (large pools of blood appearing in the street, strange noises emanating from the basement, etc.). If you ask locals about any of these occurrences, they will laugh it off cheerfully, then tail you conspicuously until you leave town.

While they are best known for their craven bloodlust and frenzied formations on the Golly grid, the Butchers are quiet and mysterious. The Butchers and MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos fell deeply and instantly in love during the Season 9 Hellmouth Cup (Valentine's Day), which led to the formation of the Midwest Love Triangle. The Tucson Butchers are happily married to the Milwaukee Flamingos.

The Butchers are famous for their excellent and diverse taste in music. The Butchers were the first Golly team to drop a Mixtape, hosting a mixtape drop party, and its instant success led other teams to start their own mixtape and drop party traditions.

Hellmouth Cup

History

Season 9 Snowbird Series and Anti-Rivalry with Milwaukee Flamingos

In Season 9 the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and TB.png Tucson Butchers faced off in the Hellmouth Cup in a cup series that was nicknamed the "Snowbird Series," for the large number of snowbirds that flock from Milwaukee to Tucson for a warmer winter. Nearly instantaneously, the Flamingos and Butchers developed a hot, messy anti-rivalry that would become a powerful influence on both teams' personalities and history.

Season 10 Valentines Day Series and Continuing Anti-Rivalry with Flamingos

After establishing a hot, messy anti-rivalry in Season 9's Hellmouth Cup series, the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and TB.png Tucson Butchers had many unresolved storylines and tangled loose ends in their newly budding anti-rivalry. Working feverishly toward that end, both teams spent Season 10 with a singular focus on making it to the Hellmouth Cup. The two teams met in their second cup series on Valentine's Day, forever cementing them as the Lovers of Golly.

Initial configuration for "The Lovers Embrace," which set a record for the longest Golly match in history.
GollyLogoTransparent.png b5041ae0-f1a9-49bd-a8fa-79e9ffa00dee
"The Lovers Embrace" after 5,461 generations. Despite being the obvious losers the Milwaukee Flamingos kept teasing the Tucson Butchers for another 2,000 generations.
GollyLogoTransparent.png b5041ae0-f1a9-49bd-a8fa-79e9ffa00dee

The Season 10 Hellmouth Cup series between the TB.png Tucson Butchers and MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos was nicknamed the "Valentine's Day Series" because it took place on Valentine's Day, because the red/pink color scheme, and because during the Season 9 Hellmouth Cup series, which also featured the Butchers vs the Flamingos, the two teams had developed an anti-rivalry and resolved to meet again in the Hellmouth Cup soon.

This Hellmouth Cup series forms the first X (Season 10, or X) of the Triple X.

Game 1 became notable because, in addition to setting a record for longest game, the Butchers and Flamingos spent most of Game 1 making out, causing most viewers to lose interest in the series altogether, and making Season 10 the least-watched postseason series in Golly history.

The Lovers Embrace

The Lovers Embrace is a nickname given to Game 1 of the Hellmouth Cup GollyLogoTransparent.png b5041ae0-f1a9-49bd-a8fa-79e9ffa00dee, when the TB.png Tucson Butchers and MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos were reunited after a season apart. The game set a record for the longest Hellmouth Cup series match in history (7,255 generations - see Records/Length/Hellmouth#Longest Postseason Games in Hellmouth Cup).

The game took place on the Underground Cave Complex map. The Tucson Butchers dominated the grid early, which freed them up to spend most of the rest of the match making out with the Milwaukee Flamingos. By the end of the match, most fans had left, and those that remained were booing the umpires; no one could understand why the umpires took so long to declare the match over.

The Flamingos' Flawless Dynasty

With their back-to-back victories in the Season 9 and Season 10 Hellmouth Cup series, the Flamingos established their franchise's first Flawless Dyansty and the second Flawless Dynasty in Golly history.

Midwest Love Triangle

While not, strictly speaking, a love triangle, more like a love motorcycle with a sidecar, fans took to calling the collective complicated relationships between the Flamingos, Grape Chews, and Butchers as the Midwest Love Triangle, starting after Season 10 of the Hellmouth Cup.

The Grape Chews became further frustrated from being rejected and ignored by the Flamingos; their performance tanked during the multiple seasons that followed the Season 10 Valentine's Day Series.

On several occasions, the DET.png Detroit Grape Chews made surprise visits to the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos training facilities, only to discover that the TB.png Tucson Butchers were visiting, making things extremely awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. On several occasions, fistfights involving the Grape Chews, Butchers, Flamingos, and/or innocent bystanders took place in the street outside the Flamingos training facility.

The Flamingos eventually broke off all formal relations with the Grape Chews, although the Midwest Crown continued.

Tucson in the Hellmouth Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

HellmouthSeasonsQuantileGraph TB.png

Summary

{{HellmouthRankList SeasonAllTime Chron TB}}

  • In Season 1 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 2 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 3 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 5 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 6 the Tucson Butchers did not reach the postseason.
    • They were the first Cold League team to be eliminated from the postseason (Partytime) on day 44.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 7 the Tucson Butchers were the #1 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 8 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 9 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 10 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 11 the Tucson Butchers did not reach the postseason.
    • They were the first Cold League team to be eliminated from the postseason (Partytime) on day 45.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 13 the Tucson Butchers did not reach the postseason.
    • They were the first Cold League team to be eliminated from the postseason (Partytime) on day 47.
    • They finished in last place in the Cold League.
  • In Season 15 the Tucson Butchers were the #2 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 20 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 23 the Tucson Butchers were the #4 seed in the Cold League.
  • In Season 24 the Tucson Butchers were the #3 seed in the Cold League.


Toroidal Cup

History

The Blood Monsoon

The back-to-back championships in Toroidal/Season 7 and Toroidal/Season 8 were the apex of power for the TB.png Tucson Butchers , an era that came to be known as the "Blood Monsoon." Fueled by their now-legendary mixtape - a relentless sonic assault headlined by Slayer's "Raining Blood" - playing full blast on a loop, the Butchers unleashed a torrential downpour of crimson upon the league. Their patterns were no mere patterns, they were frenzied, blood-soaked rituals that washed away all opposition. The Toroidal/Season 8 Cup Series against the AA.png Alewife Arsonists was a particularly epic clash of fire and blood, where the Arsonists' inferno was unceremoniously extinguished by the bloody deluge. The Blood Monsoon was a declaration: the Butchers were not just playing the game, they were the storm.

The Championships the Butchers Gave Away

After the drama of the Grape Chews Blowing Their Last Chance, the drama continued in Toroidal/Season 17, as the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos faced off with their anti-rivals the TB.png Tucson Butchers , and the lovers had a chance to spend some quality time together. The Flamingos eventually beat the Butchers to establish a Flawless Dynasty and the first multi-cup Dynasty in Golly history.

The championship victory drew significant criticism, with parallels being drawn to the Flamingos achieving a Flawless Dynasty with two wins over the Butchers in both the Hellmouth Cup and the Toroidal Cup.

The controversy over the Flamingos winning four of their six championships by beating their anti-rivals raised significant conflict of interest questions and eventually led the Commissioner's Office to open an investigation into the matter, shortly before the Flamingos won their Season 17 Toroidal Cup championship.

Secret Shotgun Marriage

Shortly after winning the Toroidal/Season 17 championship, with the Commissioner's Office bearing down on them with an investigation, the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos absconded to Las Vegas with their lovers, the TB.png Tucson Butchers , whom they had just beaten to achieve a second Flawless Dynasty. They claimed that the trip was an attempt to avoid media attention.

However, with the opening of an investigation, the Flamingos faced the possible revocation of two Flawless Dyanasties, incineration, and worse - eternal humiliation. The Flamingos consulted the OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations legal team for advice.

The first and most important advice the Flamingos received from the OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations legal team was for the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and TB.png Tucson Butchers to immediately get married in a secret surprise Vegas shotgun wedding. Getting married would allow the two teams to claim spousal privilege during the investigation, significantly hindering its progress. However, the marriage was kept secret for fear of confirming everyone's suspicions about the Butchers throwing the championship for their lovers, the Flamingos.

Marriage Goes Public

In Toroidal/Season 19 the Commissioner's Office publicly disclosed the marriage of the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos and TB.png Tucson Butchers in an attempt to gain control of the media narrative around the investigation. The result was widespread shock and dismay. Many people discussed whether it was a sign that the Commissioner of Golly was letting the entire splort unravel.

The Flamingos and Butchers seized on the media narrative of a lax Commissioner who was playing fast and loose with the rules, and waged a media war that pressured the Commissioner to shut down the investigation, which had been stymied by spousal privilege, lack of evidence, and a general sentiment that this was a whole lot of effort going into something that wasn't particularly important.

At the end of Toroidal/Season 20, the Commissioner's Office made several important announcements:

In the wake of Toroidal/Season 20, historians and experts widely agree that the media war waged by the Flamingos, and their secret shotgun wedding legal strategy, was brilliantly executed and marked a significant erosion of the power of the Commissioner.

Tucson in the Toroidal Cup Season by Season

Chart

ToroidalSeasonsQuantileGraph TB.png

Summary

{{ToroidalRankList SeasonAllTime Chron TB}}


Rainbow Cup

History

Triple X

The Triple X is a set of three championship matches between the TB.png Tucson Butchers and the MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos (who were married in the Toroidal Cup after their involvement in the Midwest Love Triangle) that took place on Season 10 (or 11) of each of three respective cups (Hellmouth, Toroidal, Rainbow). They are:

These three championship series form the Triple X.

The Triple X was formed at the conclusion of Rainbow/Season 11. The Butchers and Flamingos planned an elaborate ceremony for the announcement and sent invitation emails to everyone, but the Triple X in the subject line caused all of the emails to be flagged as Spam and discarded, so no one showed up.

Second Valentines Day Series

The Second Valentine's Day Series was the Season 19 Rainbow Cup Series, the second Cup Series to take place on or around Valentine's Day, and the second time that the TB.png Tucson Butchers and MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos had met in a Cup Series on or around Valentine's Day. (The Butchers and Flamingos had originally met in Season 9 of the Hellmouth Cup series, the (first) Valentines Day Series, where they immediately fell in love, creating the Midwest Love Triangle.)

Despite a mediocre fourth-place showing in the Rainbow Cup series, and a second-place finish for the Butchers, the real win for both teams was a second Valentine's Day Series with their lover.

Tucson in the Rainbow Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

RainbowSeasonsQuantileGraph TB.png

Summary

{{RainbowRankList SeasonAllTime Chron TB}}


Klein Cup

History

The Reign of Blood

The three Klein Cup championships in Klein/Season 1, Klein/Season 17, and Klein/Season 22 established the Butchers' "Reign of Blood." This was not a dynasty of finesse or intricate strategy - it was a dynasty of sustained, brutal dominance. The sweeps of the SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers and DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells unfolded like ritual sacrifices, rendering their grids blood-stained altars to the Butchers' wild power. The "Reign of Blood" became the soundtrack to the league's nightmares - a period where every team feared the inevitable, bloody end that awaited them at the hands of the Butchers. It was an era defined by the relentless, pounding rhythm of the Butchers' mixtape, a symphony of slaughter that echoed across the league.

And yet, in spite of the near-universal fear throughout the league, the popularity of the TB.png Tucson Butchers team mixtape was through the roof. Teams could not seem to stop listening to the nightmare fuel - the more they listened to the playlist, the more it ran through their heads, the more they dreamed of an ugly demise at the hands of the Butchers - but still, everyone was listening to the mixtape on an endless loop, exercising to it, eating to it, falling asleep to it. Some have speculated that the mixtape was engineered to plant fear in the league and was the genesis of the "Reign of Blood," but this remains speculation.

Tucson in the Klein Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

KleinSeasonsQuantileGraph TB.png

Summary

{{KleinRankList SeasonAllTime Chron TB}}


Hellmouth II Cup

History

Tucson in the Hellmouth II Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthIISeasonsQuantileGraph TB.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron TB}}


Hellmouth III Cup

History

Tucson in the Hellmouth III Cup Season by Season

Performance Chart

HellmouthIIISeasonsQuantileGraph TB.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIIIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron TB}}


Hellmouth IV Cup

History

Tucson in the Hellmouth IV Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthIVSeasonsQuantileGraph TB.png

Summary

{{HellmouthIVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron TB}}


Hellmouth V Cup

History

Tucson in the Hellmouth V Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthVSeasonsQuantileGraph TB.png

Summary

{{HellmouthVRankList SeasonAllTime Chron TB}}


Hellmouth VI Cup

History

Tucson in the Hellmouth VI Cup

Performance Chart

HellmouthVSeasonsQuantileGraph TB.png

Summary

{{HellmouthVIRankList SeasonAllTime Chron TB}}


Navboxes

Hellmouth VI League Teams

Hellmouth IV Cup logo

Hellmouth VI Cup
Teams 		Cold Fire Division

BTX2.png Baltimore Texas II

EA.png Elko Astronauts

LBFB.png Long Beach Flightless Birds

SLC.png Salt Lake Turbulence

SS.png Seattle Sneakers

Cold Water Division

FF.png Phoenix Freshrolls

TB.png Tucson Butchers

ABQ.png Albuquerque Solarpunks

SDBA.png San Diego Balloon Animals

SAC.png Sacramento Boot Lickers

Hot Fire Division

VV.png Vegas Vampires

DET.png Detroit Grape Chews

MILF.png Milwaukee Flamingos

SFBS.png San Francisco Boat Shoes

FFF.png Fargo Flea Flickers

Hot Water Division

AA.png Alewife Arsonists

BB.png Boylston Boogers

DECO.png Delaware Corporate Shells

SGE.png Sugar Grove Eavesdroppers

OSHA.png Jersey OSHA Violations

Navbox Info:
Template:Navbox hellmouth vi teams   •   edit
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